Page 40 of Because of Blake
“Think?”
“I mean, the feeling of betraying Charlie is still there, but it’s much more muted when I’m with Blake. He’s got this way of bringing down my walls. Like, he can read me no matter how much I try to cover. At first, it was scary, and I didn’t want it, which is why I said no when he asked me out.”
Michelle’s eyelids peel back. “He asked you out!? When?” She leans over the table, smacking me on the shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Ow.” I rub the spot, but keep my eyes on hers. “Back in December, and I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d go on about how I should get back out there. I wasn’t ready then.”
“But you are now?” Michelle sits back against the booth and folds her arms.
“Yeah, I am.” A smile creeps across my lips, but falls when I think about our movie night not being a date. “But I think I missed my chance.”
“Why?”
“Because I told him no in December, and he hasn’t once tried to ask me out again.”
“You just said he asked you to watch a movie with him.”
“Exactly. We watched a movie, asfriends.His words. It wasn’t a date and he didn’t ask about going on one. All he did was invite me over to watch another movie.
Michelle groans, her head dropping back so she’s looking at the ceiling. “Mags, come on.” She lifts her head to meet my gaze. “Even if the movie wasn’t a date, why would he ask you to do another one if he’s not into you?”
I shrug. “Maybe he’s being nice? He knows the kids are gone for a while, so he was just trying to give me something to do.”
“Yeah, him.” Her eyebrows bob as she takes a drink of margarita. After she swallows, she sighs. “Mags, this guy seems like he’d be great for you, and from where I’m sitting, it sounds like he’s interested. Have you tried asking him out? Maybe he doesn’t want to push, but if you take the lead, he’ll bite.”
“I haven’t actually asked him, but I’ve been flirting.” I crinkle my nose.
“What’s that face for?”
“My version of flirting is what Sydney would call ‘cringe.’” I drop my elbow onto the table, resting my chin in my hand. “I have no idea how to flirt, so I bet Blake doesn’t even know I’m doing it.”
“Then come out and say it!”
“But what if he’s not interested anymore? What if he’s just being a good neighbor?”
“Then you enjoy having a hot guy friend and move on. But you need to try, or you might miss out on something wonderful.”
I chew on my lip, sitting back up, my hands falling to my lap. “Okay. I’ll say something next Saturday.”
“Good. Now where the hell is our food?”
Tuesday morning brings a whirlwind of thoughts. I wake up with the sun, a late start for me due to the margaritas from the night before, but I instantly replay my conversation with Michelle. I’m glad she thinks Blake would be good for me, since I think so, too.
I close my eyes and take a second to imagine what being with Blake would be like. How his strong arms would wrap around me, what I would smell or hear as I’m snuggled against his firm chest. My heart picks up speed. I know what his voice sounds like, but what would his breath feel like on my neck? What would his lips feel like pressed against my own? How would he taste?
The butterflies come so fast, I almost vomit.
This sort of reaction is something I haven’t felt in over a decade. Charlie was the last man to elicit it from me, and I haven’t met anyone else who’s come remotely close. Until now.
A thickness forms in my throat as I recall Charlie’s and my first date. We were broke college sophomores, but he pooled his money to take me to a fancy Italian restaurant. He tried his best, but he spilled wine all over me, dripped spaghetti sauce on his shirt, and accidentally tripped a server when he got out of the booth. After that, all our dates were take-out.
Some people might think it’s silly, but it’s how we fell in love. He gave me his time and attention instead of trying to impress me with flashy things.
Blake’s the same way. Aside from being the hottest man I’ve had a chance with, he’s also the most genuine. The only one I’ve opened up to in years. Letting my guard down around him is so easy. I’ve shared information with him which people at work don’t even know. Like the story of my tattoo.
As refreshing as it is, it scares me. I don’t usually get this far. The guilt of betraying Charlie rips apart my stomach if I have the slightest attraction to a guy. I know Charlie isn’t coming back, but I haven’t allowed myself to be intimate with a man, physically or emotionally, because my conscience smacks me upside the head. Everyone says Charlie would want me to be happy. He would want me to live my life, but would it include sleeping with another man? Would Charlie be happy knowing I’m replacing all the memories of him withnewmemories of anewguy?
I don’t think so.