Page 86 of Dearest Protector
Ididn’tthink he’d intentionally deceived me.
That just wasn’t who Ben was.
I’d come to the conclusion that he’d been truthful about the fact that nothing else was a lie, but that didn’t stop me from worrying about a possible future together.
I didn’t need constant protection anymore.
I’d come a long way from the woman I’d been when Ben and I had first met.
“He was trying to protect you,” Katie confirmed. “But that’s really no excuse for keeping the truth from you. He had no idea back then how strong you are, Ariel. Your circumstances may have been dire, but that doesn’t make you weak. I think you could have handled the truth much better before both of your emotions got involved.”
“I probably would have still taken the job he was offering,” I said. “Yeah, I might have wondered if he just felt sorry for me or guilty, but it wasn’t like I had a whole lot of options at the time. I would have to be a total idiot to turn down an opportunity like that.”
I’d had to get really honest with myself to come to that conclusion, but it was the truth.
Katie’s eyebrows lifted. “I don’t think that offer had anything to do with pity. At all. I think he took one look at you on that stage and decided he had to have you. Yeah, it’s a caveman approach, but Ian did the same thing. Ian also lied to me, and I was in the same situation as you are right now. I had to decide if I was going to let those lies go and embrace the fact that he loved me like a madman. For me, Ian was worth that risk, and I know he’d never lie to me again because it would destroy our relationship. He loves me, and I love him. I don’t think he’d ever be willing to jeopardize that love again. I’ve made it very clear that I’m willing to deal with his obsessive protectiveness, but I won’t tolerate lies between us.”
“In some ways, I understand why Ian felt like he had to lie,” I pondered aloud. “His need to make sure you that you were financially okay while you were going to college overcame his desire to be honest.”
She shrugged. “I could say the same thing about Ben. But hey, at least he didn’t become your stalker.”
I snorted. “He didn’t have to. I was totally willing to be his assistant, his friend, and then his lover. I can’t regret any of those relationships.”
“He’s a good man, Ariel,” Katie replied in a more serious tone. “If it’s any consolation, I think he struggled with his decision not to tell you, and I think he’s living in hell because of it. In the end, I think he had to tell you because he couldn’t live with himself anymore. He’s crazy in love with you, girlfriend.”
My eyes shot to Katie’s face. “He never told me that he loved me.”
“Well, he didn’t tell me that, either, but it’s so damn obvious. Do you really think he’d be acting like he was in mourning if he didn’t?”
“How is he, really?” I finally asked, even though I probably shouldn’t.
“He’s hurting, just like you are,” Katie said candidly. “But he’s stubborn, just like his older brother. If he thinks you need space, he’s going to give it to you for as long as necessary. But he’s not going away.”
“I don’t think I want him to go away,” I admitted. “I love him so much it hurts, Katie, but I want to make sure that I have my shit together before I try to talk to him. I might be strong, but in some respects, Ben was right about me being vulnerable. I was completely lost because I couldn’t dance anymore, and after that I was in survival mode. Being an assistant for a slimebag like Leland was probably the straw that nearly broke me. I was pretty low at that point.”
“I know you loved your mom,” Katie said gently. “But she was a tough woman to please. I think you were still fighting with those demons, too.”
“I know. I’ve been working through that in counseling,” I told her. “I’ve totally realized that her love was always conditional and how dysfunctional that was. That’s probably why I had such a hard time letting go of the fact that I couldn’t dance anymore. My entire identity revolved around dancing and doing it perfectly. Dancing was the only thing that made me feel like I was loved and accepted. I think she loved me in her own way, but it was messed up. I’m not even sure if she was telling me the truth about my birth father. I sent in a DNA sample to see if I can find out who he was. She told me he died before I was ever born. If he’s really dead, then I guess I’ll have closure on that topic. If he’s alive, I’m not even sure I want to approach him. I just want to know where I came from. That question has always been there. Does that make sense?”
“It makes perfect sense,” Katie agreed. “I’d want to know. My father sucked, but at least I know who he was.”
“That’s all I really need to know,” I explained. “I guess I just need to tie up some of the loose ends in my life. I don’t associate my self-worth with my ability to dance anymore, and I’m really happy about my new career. There’s just…”
“Ben?” Katie finished.
I nodded. “That’s my most difficult challenge right now.”
“Maybe you should just take things slow,” she suggested thoughtfully. “Everything has happened pretty fast between you two, not that I have any room to criticize about that, but I wasn’t in an accident that almost took my life, either. But for God’s sake, please talk to him. He’s always been a workaholic, but he’s even worse than he was before. He has no reason to work the hours he does right now, but I think it’s his idea of a distraction. I’m pretty sure he never sleeps, and he looks like shit.”
My heart squeezed at the thought of Ben going back to his old workaholic ways.
“I wonder if he’s upset about the check,” I speculated.
Katie sent me a questioning glance. “What check?”
I took another gulp of wine, unwrapped another chocolate, and told her about what I’d decided to do.
Chapter 22