Page 42 of Where Is the Love

I nodded and gave her a tight smile and looked at everyone else and did the same. Terrence had probably gotten to them and made them see how much worse this process could have been and how it was so hard for me to let go. They dispersed as I walked to my car. When I got to it, I could see how puffy my eyes were. They looked damn near closed.

I got inside and took a deep breath then messaged Stacy.You were right. I apologize for my attitude.

It’s okay, Brix. I know you need time to process everything. I’ll call later. I have to show a house.

I didn’t bother responding to her text. However, after my release, I knew I needed to talk to my mama again. I attacked her without understanding the situation and how I played a part in their decision to keep that loan from me. I closed my eyes momentarily then started my car. I knew my mama would forgive me, so I wasn’t worried about how that talk would go. The other woman in my life wouldn’t be so easy to convince.

I wished I could take back everything I said to her. If she chose to move on in life, I would have to somehow be okay with it. Whether I wanted to or not, I would have to respect her decision and move on.

CHAPTERFIFTEEN

JESSICA

“You sure you okay, boo?”

“I’m okay, Aunt Tiff. I’m just dreading this conversation I’m about to have with Decklan. It’s the last one I plan to have, but I plan to be the most open than I’ve ever been with him.”

“Why? Do you even owe his ass a conversation?”

“I don’t owe him shit, but I think it will help him stop low key stalking me, thinking he has a chance. He’s disrupting my peace, but I think this conversation will help him understand and help me accept accountability for some things.”

“Okay, well, he’s driving up now.”

She rolled her eyes and walked away. Aunt Tiff was like my big sister. She always had my back, no matter what. I stayed with her whenever I came to Nome when Joseph was still alive. Although I wanted to stay away from home, I couldn’t go without seeing my family. My mama needed me to vent to at times, and so did my brother. Plus, I needed to see Nesha and my aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

When Decklan got out of his car, his eyes immediately met mine. Sorrow nearly overtook me. Whenever I saw him, it took something out of me, and I knew that was because I wasn’t over what happened. I’d been making that shit look easy too. As much as I hated what he did to me, it was hard to walk away. That was why it took me four months. I didn’t want to give up on us, but now that I had, there was no going back.

Once he got close, he gave me a small smile and said, “Hey, Jess.”

“Hey,” I said, reaching out for his hand.

His eyebrows lifted slightly as he slid his hand in mine, and I led him to the stable where the horses were. Since I was more experienced, I got on Aunt Tiff’s horse, Terminator, just in case he got a hair up his ass and decided to buck. Decklan saddled his horse the way I’d taught him to, and we mounted up in silence. As we rode to the pasture, I could see Uncle Storm’s truck pull into the driveway. He, Uncle Marcus, and Uncle Jasper got out of it and made their way to Aunt Tiff’s back porch.

I smiled slightly as they sat then turned my head to Decklan. He was watching me, probably waiting to see what this was about. I stopped stalling and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “Decklan, there are some things I need to say to you that I haven’t said. This isn’t about us getting back together, because that ship has sailed.”

He nodded. I continued since he didn’t say anything. “I am so closed off. It takes me a while to verbalize my feelings. I realized that maybe had I verbalized them to you, we would have been in a different space. I saw myself marrying you one day. I had fallen in love with you.”

I closed my eyes, and when I felt his hand in mine, I opened them to see him riding close and his glossy eyes on mine. It looked like a tear would drop at any moment. Still, he remained silent. “I believe had I told you how I felt, things would have been different. I’m sorry for being so closed off and unexpressive. It hindered our relationship in so many ways. I never wanted a permanent boyfriend. I saw us making it, even after things started getting weird.”

A tear fell down my cheek, breaking through the wall I thought I’d put up. I stared up at the sky, trying to contain myself. When I felt the horse stop, I looked over to see Decklan sliding off his horse. He walked over to mine and got on behind me, then slid his arms around me. The wall fell down from the weight, and I cried uncontrollably for a minute.

Once I calmed down, I said, “So our breakup wasn’t totally on you. I contributed to it. I’m trying to be better, but I feel like I just wasn’t meant for love. Maybe I was meant to be alone.”

“Jess,” he said in my ear.

I closed my eyes as he kicked Terminator to get him to walk. His arms felt good wrapped around me. His affection felt like it used to. His forehead rested on my shoulder, and that shit only made me cry more. “Decklan, my father abused me at every turn. He made me feel like my worth was dependent on a man. Like I was only here to serve. He verbally abused me all the time, and he hit me a few times. Because of that trauma, I never wanted to reveal my true feelings for fear of getting hurt or them not being reciprocated. While I thought I was being strong and protecting myself, I realized that it was hindering me and made me weak in a sense.”

“What happened between us wasn’t your fault. You were perfect, Jess. I was the asshole. I got lonely while you were gone, and I fucked up. After that one time, it was like I severed our connection. We had something so special, and I fucked it up. Then I couldn’t stop because things between us weren’t the same. The vibe was shot to hell because I’d introduced someone else to parts of me that should have only been yours. That isn’t your fault, baby. If I needed more from you, I should have said so.”

His arms were still wrapped around me tightly as I sniffled. My phone vibrated, so I pulled it from my bra to see a couple of messages. One was from Nate, and the other was from Brix. Even after expressing myself with Brix, he still hurt me. That was how I knew that love just wasn’t in the cards for me right now.

“Jess, you didn’t have to tell me you loved me. Whenever you were near, I felt it. It wasn’t until a couple of months before we broke up that I could no longer feel it. I believe that was because I had so much hell in me, your light couldn’t get through. Don’t base your future on the past. I’m sorry about your upbringing. That couldn’t have been easy, but you are destined for greater. You’ll love again, and the next man will deserve your love.”

He kissed my cheek as we continued to ride. Thankfully, Aunt Tiff’s horses were well trained. I barely had to do anything for him to keep walking. “Decklan, thank you for that. This transition has been hard. You popping up on me has been hard as well. I think it’s because this conversation was needed.”

“Yeah, it was. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know how to let go, even though I’m the one that fucked up. I’m sorry for the hurt I put you through. I had no idea you were hurting this badly. I’m glad you chose to be vulnerable with me. I won’t pop up on you anymore. Besides, Lennox jumped my ass about being here. That nigga told me if I kept following you, he was going to help you file charges.”

I chuckled. Since Lennox was a detective, I was sure that Decklan took that threat seriously. This really felt better than I thought it would. It was like a huge weight had lifted from my heart. It felt like we were friends again, and I was okay with that. “I think it bothered me so much because I hadn’t been totally open with you. That wasn’t fair to you.”