Page 82 of Dan.

I nod, tears streaming down my face faster than I am able to wipe them away. “He does. He's told me so many times, but I can't bring myself to do the same. He deserves to know how I feel, but I just can't seem to say the words.”

Dad hums in thought. “Let’s go sit down, shall we? This is a lot of big revelations for us to still be standing in front of the door.”

So we do just that. I haven’t had him over in some time, and I resist the urge to tidy up as I lead him to the living room, leaving him there so I can go make us some tea. Dan has gotten me in the habit of drinking it every time I need to relax or think deep thoughts, and while I don’t have the fancy blooming tea that he is so fond of, my father is plenty pleased with the small basket of tea bag choices and the water from the electric kettle when I return.

I sit down on the opposite side of the couch, tucking my feet underneath me and letting the warm ceramic tea mug center me. I chose chamomile, and Dad is having Earl Grey.

“Now,” he starts, giving me an easy smile. “You were telling me how you care for our friend Daniel, but are still running into trouble?”

I huff a sad laugh. “That’s putting it lightly. Dan is such an amazing person,” I continue, my voice cracking with emotion. “I don't know what's wrong with me.”

I expect Dad to placate me with soothing words, considering how our interaction has gone so far, so what he says next takes me off guard. “Is it because of that Englishman? That Johan you met at summer camp?” Dad asks, his voice gentle.

I am shocked that he knows about my previously deep feelings for Johan. Sure, Mom and Dad both knew that he and I had dated years ago, but my father has never been overly interested in Johan before this. I figured he still thought of him as a summer crush I had long ago, and nothing more. “How do you know that?”

He gives me a sly look. “I will give you one guess, and one guess only.”

“Ha, of course,” I smile despite myself. “Mom told you, didn’t she?”

“Indeed she did.” He chuckles. “Your mom told me he was in Capri and that he'd be coming to have dinner with us,” he explains. “Also that your sister was oddly excited about it. Not many things interest Hannah, so it’s got your mother thinking.”

“Yeah,” I reply, my mind racing. I’m definitely not going to let him in on the hunch that I have about Hannah having a silly childhood crush on the much-too-old for her Johan. Especially when Johan and I still haven’t resolved our own relationship issues fully. “He invited me to England this fall… to an equestrian show. If Dan wasn’t in the picture, I’d go––at least as Johan’s friend––but I think that he expects more from me than just friendship.”

“And this decision is more difficult for you since Dan is around?”

“Yes. He definitely would cut things off permanently if I went with Johan, I don't know what to do. Dan is very important to me, and I love our relationship, but at the same time, I can't help but think about what could be with Johan.” I feel the storm of sadness brewing in me again, so I take a sip of the calming tea and hope that it subsides. “It's tearing me apart.”

Now Dad does something else that surprises me greatly. He sets his teacup down and motions for me to do the same before he reaches out and takes my hand in his, “I know it's hard, but you have to listen to your heart and do what feels right for you. It’s funny… you remind me so much of myself,” Dad says with a hint of nostalgia in his voice.

Tonight he’s like a completely different person, as if he’s dropped the persona of the cold, hard businessman that is unshakeable, and donned the mantle of a caring, loving father. I’ve seen hints of it before, but never like this. “Of yourself?” I ask, surprised by his words. “What do you mean?”

I can’t help but be curious about his change in demeanor, and he humors me by proceeding to tell me a story about how he fell in love with my mother. She was unafraid of expressing her feelings, unlike him who came from a very emotionally repressed family.

“Your mother was fearless when she told me her feelings. I had always thought of myself as the strong one, but when she looked at me, so sure of herself and her words, it humbled me.”

My mother is more emotionally open than my father, but I don’t exactly see her as a wellspring of feelings, so this surprises me. “I guess she got a little more reserved with age.”

“I don’t think so… she just expresses herself more quietly now, but she feels just as deeply.” He sighs, but there is a fond smile on his face. “You know, it’s funny in a way. I might be the oldest, but Julia was always the unafraid one," he says, with a hint of sadness. “I nearly lost her for being so… well, emotionally repressed. Don't make the same mistake.”

My mind races as I process his words. Even though Sebastian van den Bosch is the last person I expected to hear this from, he's right, I've been so afraid of expressing my feelings to Dan because of the fear of rejection or heartbreak. But what if I don't tell him how I feel and end up losing him?

“What if he doesn’t work out, though? I don’t want to break his heart,” I say, looking down at my hands, unable to look him in the eye.

“Telling someone you love them is an act of maturity and responsibility,” Sebastian reminds me in a stern but loving tone. “It takes courage to do so, but be honest with what you feel for Dan. Just… don’t play with his feelings, alright?” He smirks, trying to lighten the mood. “We all really like Dan, and I’d hate for my daughter to be the one to break his heart.”

It’s time for me to take responsibility for my feelings and be honest with Dan, even if it means risking my heart. The thought of losing him is too much to bear, and I know deep down that I must take this chance if I want to right my wrongs.

“I understand, Dad,” I say, looking up at him with determination in my eyes. “I’ll talk to Dan and tell him how I feel. I just hope he can be patient with me.”

My father nods, a proud smile on his face, and reaches out to squeeze my shoulder. I close my eyes, feeling a sense of peace wash over me. I know it won't be easy, but I'm ready. The thought of it is both terrifying and exhilarating.

We finish our tea, and the conversation drifts from the heavy subject of my dating life to more mundane things––like the Lake Como trip and the way that things have been at home. I feel settled now, and more hopeful that Dad can open up to me like this and be vulnerable. Maybe he can do the same for Andries, and accept that his son’s love story is not something he’s able to control.

Dad leaves eventually, and I have a little bit of bread and cheese to settle my hunger before going through my usual nighttime routine, playing music over the built-in surround sound in the apartment to keep my mind busy while I do so.

As I lay in bed, I think about what my dad said to me earlier. His words weigh heavily on my mind as I replay our conversation over and over again. I can’t shake the feeling of regret as I glance at my phone and see that there’s no new message from Dan. I know I should have been more honest with him about my feelings, but the thought of losing him terrifies me. I toss and turn, the emptiness surrounding me feels suffocating. The sheets that were once warm with the presence of my boyfriend are now cold and foreign. The darkness of the room only amplifies the ache in my heart as I lay here alone. In the deafening silence, each passing moment feels like an eternity as I replay the events that led to this moment. Our last conversation, the hurt in his eyes, the finality of his words… it all plays on a loop in my mind. The weight of my regret and longing for him to be here with me is overwhelming. I close my eyes to escape the reality of this empty bed and the reality of my broken heart. There is hope, if I play my cards right, and if I can be brave, but it’s difficult for me to see a bright future right now.

Lonely and drained, I finally drift off to sleep.