Page 5 of Julia.
Among the rolling hills covered in green grass, dotted with clusters of trees and colorful wildflowers, are the three empty plots for Mom, Adriana, and Freddie. The priest is already there, awaiting us, while the caskets hover above the empty holes in the safe grip of the casket lowering systems. My stomach rolls at the sight.
It’s early in the day, and the sky is cloudless as our extended family surrounds us. To me, their grief seems shallow compared to mine and my father’s, and it makes me feel immensely lonely, even surrounded by all these people.
The priest’s final words for my mother and siblings are just a buzz in my ears. It isn’t until the caskets are finally below the earth that my father breaks, his once-strong shoulders shaking as he cries silently, and I wrap my arms around his shoulders giving him some comfort.
It’s now that I see Julia is here, too, on the edge of the crowd, watching my father and I with tears streaming down our faces. I hate she has to see us like this, but no person on earth would deny me this breakdown, especially not Julia.
Uncle Leopold joins Dad and I at the edge of the graves as we say our final goodbyes. Words feel meaningless here, but I do my best, telling them that I love them and will miss them for the rest of my life. Dad’s goodbye is much simpler, but it hurts my heart tenfold for its brevity.
“I’m sorry, my dear. I love you. Please forgive me.”
Once Dad is finally ready to turn away from his wife and other two children for the last time, I leave him with Leopold and excuse myself long enough to find Julia. Pain is searing inside me like a brand, but I still can’t just let her leave without speaking to her.
I find her on the outskirts of everything, looking so out of place but at the same time, a welcome comfort to my soul. Wordlessly, we embrace, and it’s the first moment of calm I’ve had in days. Still, I know it can’t last, and I take her by the arm, walking her behind one of the small mausoleums so we can talk away from everyone else.
“Julia,” I start, voice rough. “You shouldn’t be here. I told you to stay safe.”
“Of course, I should be here,” she replies, shocked. “I want to be here for you. You don’t have to cut me out of your life just because you’re going through hell, you know. We can go through it together.”
“Together?” I scoff, my head shaking at the idea. “For what, exactly? Whoever did this–” I wave my hands back toward the graves. “Isn’t going to stop until I’m dead, Julia. I really like you. You’re a sweet girl, but–”
“But you think you are too dangerous for me?” She plants her hands on her hips stubbornly, fixing me with her gaze. “Is that what you think?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration as I gather my thoughts. “I will only bring you pain and suffering, and you don’t deserve that. Plus, my dad needs me more than ever. Willem has already been dropping hints that I might need to take over the company sooner rather than later. I’m…” I pause mid-sentence, searching for a better way to tell her the rest. “Fuck, Julia. I’m just not the right guy for you.”
“I don’t agree with that–” she starts, but I interrupt her.
“My mom and siblings just got killed for fuck’s sake,” I blurt out, louder than I planned, and Julia flinches. “God knows what else is going to happen, and staying with me will only put you in harm’s way. I refuse to have that happen.”
Julia considers it but shakes her head. “What if I just stay around as a friend? I can’t just go home when you’re here in this state. Let me be here for you Sebastian, please.”
I open my mouth to deny her again, but before I can speak Willem walks around the corner of the mausoleum, looking embarrassed to have to interrupt Julia and I. He’s flanked by two security guards, which look annoyed that I have given them the slip.
“Seb,” Willem starts, his voice solemn. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but we have to make that meeting with your dad, remember?”
I don’t look at Julia as I respond, afraid that just seeing her will change my mind. “Of course. I’m coming now. Can you, ah…give us a second?”
Willem nods and departs, but the security guards hover around. Resigned to being shadowed by them, I turn back to Julia and pull her into a hug, which she enters willingly, wrapping her arms around my neck. She smells so sweet, so comforting, that it's difficult to let her go. “I’ll get you a car and you’ll go home, alright? Tell your mom I send her my regards.”
She tilts her chin up, meeting my gaze as I keep her close to me. “I’m not going home. I will wait for you at your place, but I don’t want to go home.”
Here in the sunshine, stubborn and gorgeous, dressed in all black but still looking to me like spring incarnate, I want her more than anything else in this moment. I want to sink into her and forget all of this, lose myself in her soft skin, but…it can’t be. Not now, at least, and if I have her at my place not only will she be in danger of being harmed by the murders, but I also don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to resist taking her to bed. So I brush a stray strand of hair off her forehead and kiss her there instead of her sweet lips, whispering in her ear. “Home, Julia. I will come to see you there, I promise.”
“When?” she demands.
“When the time is right.”
“And when exactly is–” Julia tries to ask, but the funeral photographer must have heard us speaking, and appears, camera at the ready.
“Can I have a photo of the two of you?” he asks, and I nod, grateful for the excuse to end the conversation with Julia before she wraps me around her finger and has me doing her bidding unconsciously.
I loop my arm around her waist, the feeling of her body next to mine the only pleasant thing I’ve felt today, second only to the kiss I planted on her forehead. Once the picture is taken, the two of us smiling faintly, I take her hand in mine and walk her toward the waiting line of cars. One is empty, idling, as a small group of relatives decide to ride home together to share their grief, and I open the door to put Julia inside the empty vehicle. She chews her bottom lip, looking up at me through her lashes, and I see annoyance flash in her eyes before she acquiesces and climbs into the backseat. I want to kiss her goodbye, but so many people are watching us now that I don’t dare, so I close the door on the silent Julia and finally go to find my father.
He’s already in our vehicle, once again composed and blank, tapping his fingers on the head of his cane.
“Sorry, Dad,” I tell him, trying to sound light as I slide in beside him and shut the door. “I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”
“Hmm,” he responds wordlessly, turning to look me over for an uncomfortably long time before his eyes snap forward again. He might not have said a word, but I know exactly what he’s thinking.