Page 48 of Montana Freedom
I wasn’t sure how long I stood there after Emma left the lodge without looking back. But I was aware I stared at the door for far too long, hoping she’d return just so I could see the fire in her eyes and the conviction when she spoke. Because everything she said was true, and still, my soul ached with tension and hesitation.
Fuck sleeping. That wasn’t going to happen.
I poured myself one more drink and downed it before heading out the back door to the gym. Most of us kept spare clothes there, and I changed quickly into a pair of shorts so I could do…something.
We had machines, but I didn’t really feel like running or biking, and given the thoughts in my head regarding Emma, I didn’t want to punch a bag. The violence didn’t sit right with me.
I headed for the weights and stacked a bar with a low number I didn’t need to be spotted for. Pushing it, I went until my arms burned before I released it. It felt good, so I went further, grabbing a jump rope and forcing my heart rate higher.
The door opened and Jude came in, taking one look at me and raising an eyebrow. It wasn’t unheard of for any of us to hit the gym this late at night, but it was far more common when something was bothering us. I hadn’t expected anyone to come here now, least of all him.
“Why aren’t you at home with Lena?”
“She left a dish here she needs tomorrow at Deja Brew for an order. I told her I would come and get it. The gate was still open and your truck was still out front, but you weren’t in the lodge, so I wondered if something was up. Clearly, I was right. And I imagine it starts with anE?”
I let the rope stop and put it back on its hook. The teasing grated on my nerves, but I also deserved it. I’d dished out plenty of advice to Jude that I specifically wasn’t taking myself. I was well aware of the hypocrisy.
The truth was something I owed him, at least. “I guess the tables are turned, huh?”
“Only if you wait three years,” he said with a smirk.
Lying back on the bench, I did another set, not letting myself think, simply speaking. “I want her, but there are too many things wrong with it. I’m too old for her, which she says isn’t an issue, but I don’t know if I agree. She’s in a life-threatening situation, which I have a history of misjudging. And again, she’s in a life-threatening situation and therefore might not be thinking clearly.”
“Do you have any reason to believe she’s not thinking clearly?” His voice was closer.
I gritted my teeth and pushed again, my arms nearing the point of failure. “No.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I think you need to get your hearing checked,” I said with a groan, letting the bar rest.
“And I think you need to, with love and respect, get your head out of your ass.”
I looked at him. “Jude, she’s fifteen years younger than me.”
“And?”
“And—” I opened my mouth, looking for the reason to give him, but nothing came. Other than the outward appearances, which might make some people uncomfortable, there was nothingwrongwith it.
Jude smirked and pushed one of the punching bags so it was swinging. “Not so long ago, you told me the same thing,” he said. “Not in the same words, but essentially that my head had been in my ass, and you were one hundred percent correct.”
I sighed. “Your point?”
“Are you making choices for Emma?”
Fuck. That wasn’t the way I’d been thinking about it, but I was. By telling her it wasn’t good forherto be with me, I was robbing her of the choices she wanted to make. If I didn’t want to be with her, that had to be a reason for me, not using her as an excuse.
“I learned the hard way, that’s not the way to go. It’s my biggest regret now.”
“Making choices for her?”
“That, and waiting so long. Every second with Lena is a fucking miracle. But the time we have now doesn’t make up for the time wecouldhave had if I hadn’t been afraid of what she’d think of what I really wanted—or if I’d been willing to tell her why I was trying to protect her instead of staying away,knowingshe was waiting for me to make a move.”
Jude had his happy ending, and everyone was ecstatic for them. He was right. It had been a long time coming. “I’m not sure this is the same.”
“It is.” Jude pushed the bag again, throwing a couple of idle punches. “In a different way. With Lena and me, everyone was waiting for us to get together. With you, everyone is simply waiting for you to be happy.”
“I am happy.” The words were an automatic reflex. And for a long time, they’d been true. Only recently had things finally begun to surface and eat at me. Being surrounded by happy couples emphasized my solitude, and once you saw it, you couldn’t go back to ignoring it.