Page 2 of Falling for Carla
“You do say it a lot,” I pointed, as Kyle drained his beer and shook his head, “and we know we’re privileged. Mostly because you keep telling us,” I joked. “But I’m sticking to my original point. People, all of them, are more or less assholes. You guys are practically the only ones I like.”
“I notice you didn’t say we aren’t assholes,” Ham said.
“No lies detected!” Aaron said again and we all groaned. “You know I only do that to piss you off,” he chuckled.
“And here I was thinking that teaching slightly older students was going to be nice. But you’re, what? Like thirty-eight and still act like you’re twenty-one,” I said. “Grad students have been better overall than undergrad as far as grasping the seriousness of criminal justice, but you don’t give me much hope for their maturity.”
“Grad students are so much better than undergrad,” Kyle said. “They have some basic knowledge of the subject matter, and they don’t change their majors every six weeks like the freshman do.”
“They’re still clueless,” Hamilton said.
“Exactly,” I added, “they understand the ethics and procedures more, but they still only know what they read in books. Or see on cop shows, God help me. One more true crime documentary on Netflix brings in a flood of wannabe CSIs and I’m going to throw my TV out the damn window in protest.”
“They all think they’re gonna crack all the cold cases?” Rick asked.
“Oh yeah. Mostly the undergrads think that and try to use the stupid procedural terms they’ve seen on like Criminal Minds and shit, but none of them are prepared for what it’s like on the streets,” I said.
“The streets sure as hell aren’t pretty,” Kyle agreed.
“I’m hoping for some good students this semester. Last round was pretty green. Sometimes I think it’s funny and sometimes it’s just sad, how sheltered all these Berkley kids are. The first time they come up against a perp out in the field, they’re gonna piss their pants. It doesn’t matter what I tell them, until they have some high-as-a-kite suspect wanted on a weapons charge take off all his clothes and start running bare ass naked and you have to chase him and end up leaving Taser prong marks on his butt that you have to explain in front of a jury while staring at a huge photo enlargement of his pasty ass cheek—they don’t know what it’s like.”
“You tased somebody on the ass?” Aaron asked.
“No lies detected,” I shot back, and everybody laughed.
“Well, with that lovely image in my mind, I’m going to have to take off. I don’t want to miss bedtime with the twins or time with Mindy. So, I’ll head out and you can spend the next ten minutes saying stupid misogynistic crap about how I’m pussy-whipped,” Kyle joked. “Good to see you boys, but I have a woman at home who’s a lot better to look at than you assholes.”
After Kyle left, we all agreed how happy we were for him. And how it was low key annoying that one of us wasn’t a bachelor anymore.
“I just miss the days when we were all playboys,” Rick said.
“You give yourself too much credit,” Hamilton told him. “I think even the undergrads have more game than you.”
“And when was the last time you went home with a woman?” Rick challenged.
“Last Thursday,” he said.
“I’m not talking about visiting your mother,” Rick burned him.
“No, I’m talking about when I went home with your mother.”
“Before we actually have yo-mama bullshit going on, could you two knock it off? I’ve had rookies straight out of the academy that didn’t talk as much shit as you two,” I scoffed at them.
“Since Kyle left you have to be the dad?” Aaron chuckled.
“I’m nobody’s dad,” I said. “And I don’t plan to be.”
“Going celibate on us? Living the life of a monk?” Hamilton ribbed me.
“No, but unlike our boy Kyle, I understand how birth control works,” I quipped. “I know, I know, they’re cute as hell together and they’re happy. I’m thrilled for the guy. But accidental pregnancy? At our age? I love women, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve never met one I’d want to be tied to for the rest of my life. I realize I sound like a grouchy old man, but I’ve seen too much shit as a cop to believe the best of people.”
“You need another drink,” Rick said, “you’re depressing me. And it’s your turn to pay.”
I shook my head and laughed. I loved these guys. All of us professors at Berkeley, all of us bachelors with the exception of Kyle, and all committed to staying uncommitted.
Our friendship was easy, the way I liked all my personal life to stay. I’d witnessed enough suffering and cruelty and heartbreak to last ten lifetimes. The last thing I planned do was throw my hat in the ring for a disaster of my own. I was more than happy to buy the drinks and have a laugh.
CHAPTER 2