Page 70 of Bought

He stared at me for a long moment and this time I couldn’t interpret what I saw in his eyes. “So am I,” he said.

26

Tennyson

It had been years since I’d looked at another woman and not seen Juliana. The subs I played with didn’t count because they were subs and subs only. They occupied a different place in my mind, a different compartment. Juliana had never been my sub. I hadn’t even known back then that I liked dominance games, though perhaps if she hadn’t died, I might have discovered that part of myself with her.

But she had died, and she’d never know the dominant part of me. The little sub did, though. The little sub knew that about me. She knew I bought virgins, and she knew I’d been on the streets, that I’d whored myself out, that I’d killed a man.

She knew all my secrets and she understood, I could see it in her eyes.

We both had had similar things happen to us, and we were both alone.

We were the same, the little sub and me.

No. Zara.

I was sorry I’d lost Juliana, sorrier than I was about any other part of my life, but it had been a long time ago, and I’d been a different man. I’d been a boy. I’d had some kind of innocence back then, even if it had only been the innocence of youth, and that innocence had been slowly scraped away over the years, leaving exposed the hard shell underneath. The hard shell I’d had to develop or else be destroyed.

I wouldn’t have thought any part of that eighteen-year-old boy, that overly emotional, fiercely protective boy, was left, but apparently there was still a fragment of him somewhere inside me. A small spark that had leapt into life the moment I’d opened the door of the guest room, wanting to question Zara further after that scene in Caleb’s office. And I’d seen her standing there dressed only in a blanket, realizing at that moment that I didn’t want to question her. I didn’t want to hold her at a distance, distrust her or disbelieve her.

I wanted her body against mine. I wanted her heat, her scent, and cries of pleasure. And I wanted the pleasure and relief she gave to me in return.

In fact, I’d wanted her so badly I hadn’t thought, only acted. Crossing the room and shoving her against the wall, burying myself inside her before either of us could say a word.

I’d known then that I’d been lying to myself. That keeping her at arm’s length, telling her she couldn’t be my sub anymore, that I had to give her up, were excuses. Anything to hide the fact that my control around her wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be. That she was in my thoughts too much. That she’d gotten under my skin.

I wanted her and telling myself that I didn’t hadn’t made any difference to that want. All I could do now was accept it.

So, I was going to keep her, I didn’t know for how long, but I was. And keeping her meant telling her everything. Not that she didn’t know everything already, but I wanted to tell her in my own words. Give her context.

For too long it had just been Atlas who’d known about Sir George, and perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything considering how she’d kept things from me, but I was tired of my own secrets. Tired of their weight. And it was a relief to be able to tell someone else. Atlas had understood my actions, but it was different with Zara. She’d had no part in what I’d done, and she hadn’t known Sir George. She hadn’t known me back then either. Also, she wasn’t my friend. She was my lover.

She was watching me, sympathy and understanding in her eyes, a sympathy and understanding I hadn’t had from anyone in all the long years since I’d lost my Juliana. It eased a part of my soul.

I reached out and cupped her silky cheek, stroking it gently with my thumb. She didn’t pull away. She’d never pulled away from me since I’d brought her here, not once.

“You never used your safe word with me,” I said, caught by that sudden realization.

“Why would I?” She leaned into my palm. “You never made me feel unsafe.”

My chest tightened. Beautiful little sub. She was a treasure and I’d treated her badly. I’d locked her up in my guest room, kept her prisoner, deprived her of my presence and even though I’d had good reason for all those things, it was still wrong. She didn’t deserve that.

She was a woman who needed to be cherished and kept safe. Who bloomed like a flower when given passion and pleasure, though she wasn’t all fragility. She had strength and courage too, and underneath that I suspected a generous, giving heart.

How could I let a woman like that go?

You can’t get in too deep with her. That heart of hers is also vulnerable.

It was true. I couldn’t give her love, that was beyond me, but I could give her everything else. And if she was happy with that then why not?

I dropped my hand from her cheek and reached for her, gathering her up in my arms again. She gave a little squeak as I did so, her eyes going wide as I backed over to the couch and sat down on it, still holding her close.

She relaxed then, putting her head back against my shoulder and looking up at me. “So…what’s going to happen now?”

“What’s going to happen now is that I’ve decided to keep you,” I said. “And if you don’t want that, you need to tell me because this will be your only opportunity to refuse.” Better for us both to be clear about this up front.

Surprise flickered through her eyes, and I thought I caught the glitter of something hot and excited. “Really?” Her lashes lowered abruptly and she reached for one of the buttons on my shirt, toying with it. “How long are we talking about here?”