Page 84 of Bought
He glanced at me, and seemed as if the lines of his face were more sharply etched, more deeply carved. “I’ve changed my mind.” There was regret in his cold voice. “I think it’s better for you if we end this now.”
I stared at him, bewildered, feeling as if he’d yanked the ground out from under me. “What do you mean? How is it better for me? Why did you change your mind?”
This time his gaze didn’t waver. “Caleb is in love with Isabel, and she is in love with him. I still don’t approve of their relationship, but he’ll make her happy and that’s all I ever wanted for her. Only happiness. And I…” He paused a moment, then continued, “I want you to be happy too, Zara. You need it. You deserve it. But I can’t give it to you, and I never will. I’ll only end up causing you pain and you’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime.”
The cold was creeping over my skin, freezing every nerve ending, the terrible gentleness in his voice like steel wool rubbing over my heart.
I knew this would never be permanent, I’d always known. I knew he’d never love me the way I loved him, because why would he? We’d only known each other barely a week and I was a nobody with nothing. No education, no home, no money. Only a history of illegal jobs and homelessness, and one parent who didn’t give a shit about me, and one who actively hated me.
Yet…I thought we’d have longer together.
I swallowed against the lump rising in my throat, blinked back the stupid tears prickling in my eyes. “Why the hell would you think that my happiness is dependent on you?”
His gaze scanned me the way it always did, sharp, penetrating. Seeing right through me, seeing everything about me. “Because you’re upset, Zara. And if you’re upset, it’s already too late.”
I blinked harder, my hands closing into fists as I reached for my anger to shield me from the pain. “Too late? Too late for what? If you mean, it’s too late for me not to feel anything for you then you’re right. It is.” I took a couple of steps toward him, suddenly furious with him and furious with my stupid heart too. For falling for him. For wanting what it could never have. It wanted the impossible dreams, it always had. “But you’re wrong in that you can’t make me happy. Happy is all I’ve been this entire time with you, and I think I make you happy too.” I swallowed yet again, fighting not to break down in front of him like a child. “So why can’t we just keep going until we don’t make each other happy anymore?”
32
Tennyson
Zara’s face was white, her gray eyes glittering with tears, yet she stood in front of me with her stubborn chin lifted, daring me, challenging me the way she always did.
There was an ache inside me somewhere, a pain I didn’t want to acknowledge so I didn’t. This had to be done and the decision had been slowly made as I’d come back from Arcadia, after I’d delivered my lecture to Caleb, and he’d come to his senses about Isabel. He’d gone after her, ready to claim her, and I was glad. I only wanted happiness for her, but it had gotten me thinking about Zara, about what I could offer her and what she needed.
My little sub hadn’t had much happiness in her life nor many chances for it, and I knew without a doubt that holding onto her would be a mistake. Because if I kept her, she’d never get that chance. She’d never find that happiness with me.
I’d lost the ability to make people happy years ago, perhaps when Juliana died. And all I’d done since was hurt the people closest to me and make their lives a misery.
I could give the little sub satisfaction and pleasure. I could make her feel safe and protected. But I couldn’t give her the one thing she needed and deserved above all.
She wasn’t a stupid woman. She was generous, passionate, and caring, and eventually, she’d want more. Eventually, she’d feel that something was missing, and she’d be right. There was something missing.
I couldn’t love her the way Caleb loved Isabel, and I never would.
Looking at her right now, fiercely blinking back the tears in her eyes, her hands in fists at her sides, I knew I’d made the right decision. Because it was too late. She already felt something for me and so this would hurt her. But better some pain now than agony later.
“Because that’s not fair to you,” I said. “You’re young, Zara. You’ll get over me—”
“No,” she interrupted fiercely. “No, I won’t get over you.” She took a deep, shaky sounding breath. “Don’t you understand? I’ve fallen in love with you, Tennyson.”
The ache inside me deepened into pain at the sound of my name and at what she’d said. Of course, it was too late. Of course. There was something savage underneath the agony, but I ignored it. I had to.
I should never have taken her home that night after the auction. I should never have touched her. I should have paid her the money and sent her on her way, but I hadn’t and now I had to deal with the consequences.
There were always fucking consequences.
“I’m sorry, Zara,” I said, trying for my usual ice and failing. “But that’s why we have to end this. I don’t feel the same way. Juliana took my heart with her when she died, I told you that, and I have nothing left to give you or anyone else.”
Zara shook her head, swiping at her tears with one hand. “I’m not asking you to love me, Jesus Christ. I don’t want marriage and forever, and kids and a white picket fence. All I’m asking for is a couple more days.”
She was young. Too young. She had no idea how your heart could be ripped still beating from your chest. How love could leave you hollowed out, a shell of the person you’d once been. How it took years to even feel normal again, except you’d never feel normal. You’d never feel whole.
Zara deserved more than that. More than the half-man I was.
“And if I give you that?” I asked. “Do you really want a couple more days when you already know it’s over? How will that make you happy? And when the time comes to say goodbye, will it be any easier for you?”
She dashed away another tear. “No,” she said with brutal honesty. “Will it be easier for you?”