Page 68 of Recollection

eleven

Past

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IWAKE UP WHEN THEbed beside me shifts. I reach out instinctively, fumbling until I feel a warm, firm body.

I smile.

Arthur.

It’s been a month since the first time we had sex, and waking up beside him is one of my favorite things.

“What time is it?” I mumble, not quite getting my eyes open yet.

“Almost five. In the afternoon, not the morning.”

“Oh yeah. We were taking a nap, weren’t we? What were you doing just now?”

“I was in the bathroom. I was trying not to wake you up.”

I roll over onto my side and blink my eyes open. He’s lying on his side facing me, the covers pushed down to his waist. His hair is loose and messy around his face. He needs to shave, and his eyebrows could really use combing.

He’s utterly scrumptious.

“I don’t mind being woken if I don’t actually have to get up.” I stretch under the covers. It’s cool in the room but warm in the bed.

He rearranges his body onto his back and pulls me over to his side, his arm around me. I kiss his chest, but it’s soft and idle rather than the start of something passionate. We already had sex earlier in the afternoon and took a nap afterward.

Arthur exhales deeply, his body relaxing as if he’s enjoying the lazy afternoon too. He likes having sex, but he’s in his forties and isn’t motivated to jump into bed multiple times a day.

We have sex nearly every day, but it isn’t always long, sustained, and creative. Earlier today we were kind of tired so weren’t up for anything athletic or adventurous. We kissed for a while and then he rolled me over onto my stomach and lay on top of me, rocking into me from behind with one of his arms around me.

I turned my head so we could keep kissing, and it felt as warm and intimate as missionary ever has.

I fell asleep with his weight halfway on top of me, and it might have been the safest I’ve ever felt in my life.

He brushes a few kisses into my hair as I snuggle against him now.

He hasn’t yet told me he loves me. He hasn’t said a word about deeper feelings. He’s evidently still committed to taking it day by day and not defining our relationship with words.

That’s the only thing that’s been bothering me for the past four weeks. Otherwise I might have been perfectly happy.

Because the truth is I want everything from him, and it doesn’t feel like I have it yet.