Page 19 of Shame

Even I can see he’s lying.

Sean slams his fist in Simon’s face. Once, twice. His head rocks to the side with each blow. His lips split and he spits blood. The woman whimpers through her gag. It’s a constant background noise that I try to drown out as I focus on the scene before me.

“Where’s the money, Simon?” Christian puts a boot to his chest and applies some pressure, making the man cough and groan.

“You’ve got the wrong man!”

Ray stands with his arms crossed over his chest, leaning against the stair railing. “What do you figure will convince him?”

Simon thrashes under Christian’s boot. He can’t do much, though, with his hands and feet zip tied.

“What do you say, Lucas, do away with the wife?”

Words penetrate the fog in my mind. My name.

I jerk and the room comes back, too crisp, the reality sharp and without mercy. I react on instinct when Ray tosses me a sheathed knife, catching it in my cupped hands. A hunter’s knife. I pull out the blade and take in its cruel serrated edge. Looking back up at Ray, I follow his gaze as he looks at the woman I tied to the chair. She stares emptily in front of her. The world spins out of control. Cut her throat? Push my blade through skin and muscle and cut her blood vessels? The vision is too visceral. I can’t. I refuse to hurt a woman. A shudder runs through me as I think of Carmen’s battered body.

Christian grips my arm. “Cut her throat. You wanted in. You’re in.”

I stare at the woman and take a hesitant step toward her. Our eyes meet. Hers are full of a pain I can’t even begin to imagine. Dulled. All hope gone. Her gaze darts to my hand that’s holding the knife and then back up at me. She doesn’t struggle, her face is frozen as if it is made out of stone.

Everyone is quiet. The husband stares emptily in front of him. The woman, whose name I don’t even know, closes her eyes. I step behind her and put the edge against the delicate skin on her throat. A raw chill spreads through my chest. I’m passing a line I can never find my way back across. Her pulse beats rapidly, making the knife flutter. It’s surreal. I look at Ray, Sean, and Christian, meeting their gazes, one after the other. No one pities me, no one makes a move to save me from this nightmare.

You wanted in. You’re in.

Fuck no!

I throw the knife in disgust. It clatters to the floor, bouncing toward the tied-up husband. “You’re fucking sick! All of you. What the fuck!” I dart toward the back door, slam it open, surprising Eric, who is waiting outside. Sweat breaks out on my forehead as I dash to the bushes and empty my stomach on the lawn. Supporting my hands on my thighs, I gasp for air as the others come out, chuckling.

“You gotta step up your game, kid.” Sean slaps me on the back.

I straighten and wipe my mouth on the back of my sleeve. “Did you kill them?”

“Nah. Just wanted to scare the shit outta them. You did good.”

“What if I had done her?” I push at Sean and stalk to the car, my head spinning. Assholes! Fucking assholes!

“We knew you wouldn’t. Welcome to the family!” half-shouts Christian.

Their laughter follows me for the rest of the night.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Carmen

“What did you give her?”

“Ketamine. It’s a powerful painkiller, and a mild sedative. Carmen might be aware, but she won’t experience any discomfort. I need to examine her.”

“We need to wash her off, doc.”

I’m in my body, and I’m not. Their hands are like fingers of a ghost, fluttering, like wafts of air. They unwrap the little packet that is me. The crooked empanada, who is all mushy inside. It’s gone bad. I’ve gone bad.

“Motherf— That beast! I’m gonna kill him!”

I’m awed. The matron never curses.

“I’m so sorry, Elena,” mumbles the doctor as they help straighten my arms and legs and lay me flat.