Page 24 of Shame
He clenches his jaw, then he reaches for my face, stroking away a strand of hair from my cheek, putting it behind my ear. “Do you ever think of getting away, Carmen?”
“I didn’t think of it much.” I glance around me, as if the walls have ears. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. I don’t care. “Now I can’t think of anything else.”
“I wish I could help you,” he whispers.
I’m honestly stunned. “Why? You got it all set for you, climbing the organization, aren’t you?”
Storm clouds sweep over his face. “Yeah,” he grits out. “I guess I am.”
I shake my head slowly. “You’re in over your head, Lucas.”
He flinches. “What makes you say that?”
I don’t answer. I’m not sure what to tell him. I just see it. Anguish oozes off him like steam from hot asphalt after rain.
He stands abruptly, dropping my hand. “I gotta go.”
The door falls shut behind him and a feeling of loss settles in my chest. I scared him away. He’s older than I am, but he’s still just a boy. A boy who wants to play tough. Does he know what path he has chosen? Does he know it will rob him of all the humanity he just displayed, coming here, to a battered whore, holding her hand?
I turn on my side, wincing. The ache between my legs, in my stomach, throat and face is manageable. Squinting against the harsh light of day, a heavy weight falls on my chest.
The physical pains are manageable. The ache in my heart isn’t.
CHAPTER NINE
Carmen
Faceless monsters chase me. There are hands everywhere, pulling, twisting, ripping me apart. I scream from the pain as they spear my every orifice again and again, tearing my little body to pieces, but all they do is laugh. The hoots echo between invisible walls, going round and round until my mind is filled with it. Greedy bodies claim mine. I’m a person! I want to scream it at them so they understand they can’t do this, but to them I’m not. To them I’m no one. They will kill me. I know these are my last moments as something chokes me, pulls me under. There’s water, oily, filthy water. Below the surface cold, black eyes meet mine and there’s no return. I can never go back.
“Carmen!”
I scream and flail, realizing the hand I’m gripping is warm and tender, little coarse hair on its back, it’s shape very well known.
My heart slams as I open my eyes. “You came back.”
“You had a nightmare.” He sits on the chair, scanning my face, worry etched on his features.
I glance at the clock. It’s four in the afternoon. “Daymare.”
He follows my gaze. “Fine. Daymare. How are you doing? Have you been up? You look better. It’s—” He gestures to my face. “Not as swollen.”
“I took a shower. I feel like a million dollars.” I grin at him.
“You’re amazing.”
“No, I’m not. What makes you say that.”
“You seem to be bouncing back… like… there’s a light in you despite all this.”
My chest clenches at his words. “There’s no light in me, Lucas.”
He cocks his head. “I see it.”
He holds my eyes until I look away, my mouth suddenly dry. His hand on my cheek makes me snap my head back to meet his searching gaze again.
“What happened to you?” I ask.
He flinches and pulls back his hand. “What do you mean?”