Page 36 of Scary & Bright
It occurred to me that I didn’t know how to describe the nature of our relationship. To say it was complicated was the understatement of several centuries, but there wasn’t another word better suited. How else would someone describe the undeniable connection between the emotionally disconnected, broken-hearted, grief-stricken girl and the inhuman, remorseful beast doomed to kill year after year? I mean, it was practically a Hallmark movie when you put it like that.
“Well, we’re something, anyway,” I settled on saying. “Something complicated.”
Starlight let out a hearty laugh, immediately pulling me out of the pensive moment.
“I don’t know what’s complicated about being in love!” she scoffed, emphasizing the last part with a cartoonish tone. “Everyone can see it, Holly. The castle hasn’t felt so lively in, um, maybe ever? At least since I’ve been here.”
Her words struck me like a foul ball to the head. Love? Was Krampus describing his feelings this way? I knew word traveled fast around the castle, but there were so few times we were apart that I wasn’t sure when he would have said such a thing. Unless one of the toys came to call while I was showering?
“Did he say we were in love?” I asked, seeing if Star would take the bait. I was beginning to grow tired of the constant fishing for information, but it seemed like every time I turned around, there were more secrets to unearth.
“Oh, my apples, absolutely not,” the horse said, the smile immediately vanishing from her face. “At least not that I’ve heard. Krampus isn’t the best at articulating his feelings. I just said it because it seemed obvious, and I’m not the only one that thinks that!”
Whew, I thought. At least I wasn’t going to have to force myself to have an awkward conversation I wasn’t quite ready to have. The entire concept of truly loving someone again still felt so foreign, so impossible in my heart, that I did not want to have to face the possibility of letting him down slowly.
Not to say I’d never get there. Anything was possible, and I had to admit the ease of being near Krampus was enough to suggest that it could happen. Someday. If we both survived the holiday season, which, in itself, felt like a long shot.
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Star,” I said with a smirk. “But Krampus and I are not in love. I don’t know what we are exactly, but I’m absolutely certain we are not in love.” I was sure to lean into the same cartoony mocking tone she used.
“Whatever you say, sister,” the horse scoffed before she began to rock herself beside me. “In any case, whatcha doin’?”
I was more than relieved she had dropped the subject before I was forced to sort through the conflicting emotions raging inside me.
“I am doing some research,” I responded, returning my gaze to scanning the shelves. “Krampus told me quite a bit about his backstory. How he ended up here. His brother. All that… But I can’t help but feel like there’s something he’s not telling me.”
“If he told you all that,” Starlight mused, “then I can’t imagine why he would leave anything out?”
“To protect me.” I sighed. Admitting why he would lie by omission stung quite a bit. “He’s told me over and over again that he’s not going to kill me like he did all the others. He’s told me I’m safe with him, but if it’s truly that simple, then why didn’t he stop a long time ago?”
“Well, the collar has kept him in line for quite—” the horse started to respond and then immediately clammed up.
“Wait, what was that?” I asked, turning entirely to face the little wooden horse.
“Didn’t he tell you about it?” she asked, looking at me through squinted eyes. “Surely, he must have. It’s sort of been the catalyst for him evolving into what he… well, is.”
“Tell me about what?” I pressed, feeling a sensation of dread sink into my soul.
Whatever it was, I could tell by the anxious expression on Starlight’s painted face that I wasn’t going to like it. If it was devastating enough for Krampus to keep from me, it was going to change the situation completely.
Starlight’s expression softened, her ears flattened against her neck, and her head sank in sadness.
“Telling you might upset him, but I don’t want to upset you, either,” she murmured. “You understand I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, don’t you?”
I nodded sympathetically. My own circumstances were difficult, but I couldn’t deny how frustrated and disappointed Starlight must have been feeling.
“I’m trying to understand what is going on here, Star,” I continued, trying to convince her, at the very least, that I wasn’t in the business of making things worse for anyone. “While I’m not prepared to say I’m in love with Krampus, I do care about him. I don’t want him harmed, I obviously don’t want to be harmed, and I don’t want life in this castle to be disrupted any more than it already has been.”
I took a deep breath and looked around the room. My eyes rested for a moment on the small windows on the walls, and I focused on the feeling of warmth and light that I felt, even in the dark library. It was light years different from the bleak dreariness I had experienced when Starlight and Tuff first showed me around.
“I don’t even know if anything I do will change anything,” I admitted. “But I’ve come to feel like, in some sick cosmic sense, I was brought here for a reason.” I blinked hard, feeling the weight of what I was saying and all the things I was leaving unsaid. “What if that reason is to disrupt this pattern? I can’t do that if I don’t have the full story.”
Starlight rocked back and forth on her rockers for a moment as she let out a nervous groan.
“You’re probably right,” she concluded after appearing to argue with herself in her mind. “It just makes me feel like a gossip! And I don’t want to feel like a gossip!”
“But I think it’s the right thing to do,” I said, trying to encourage her that there really was a sort of greater good at stake. “And I promise I’ll handle Krampus if he wants to get mad about anything. Promise.”
“All right,” Starlight said, finally sounding confident. “I will say you’re lucky I decided to come to find you because you absolutely would not find a bit of the information you’re looking for in any of these books. You really think people are publishing books about the North and South Pole magic? The rest of the world doesn’t even know we’re here, remember?”