Page 10 of Shadow

“Like you?”

“Not talking about me, sis.”

“We share the same look, you know. I see it in your eyes. You’re running too, Zeke. I won’t ask, but I will tell you this. Whatever you are running from, it won’t go away until you confront it and accept it. Want to tell me what brought you to our doorstep?”

“I left the Golden Skulls. Walked away. Couldn’t deal with the club shit anymore.”

Faith quietly listened as I continued.

“I’ve been having nightmares. Bad ones. Every time I close my eyes, I see their faces. All of them. Some more than others. The most vocal is the one innocent I accidentally killed. At the time, I thought he was attacking a woman, but he wasn’t. He was trying to help her. Instead of thinking, I acted and snapped his neck. He was a Diamondback brother, and I killed him. I was drunk at the time. I know that’s no excuse, but alcohol was the only way to quiet the voices in my head. When I learned of my mistake, I lost it. Fell into a deep depression. Balthazar and Reaper tried to get me help. Saw a doctor that specialized in PTSD, even a few shrinks, but nothing’s worked. Not even the medication they put me on. All that shit did was make me more irritable. Then finally one night, I was having a really bad nightmare. Balthazar tried to wake me up, and without knowing it, I lashed out at him. I cut him, Faith. I cut our brother. I left that night.”

Faith said nothing as she continued watering her plants.

“I rode around for a while. Saw some pretty places. I found sleeping out under the stars was easier than confining myself in a room. I don’t know what I’m doing, Faith. I don’t have a home, no place to rest my head. All I have is my bike. When I close my eyes at night, I see his face the most. Jinx. The brother I shouldn’t have killed. He keeps trying to tell me something, but I don’t understand.”

“What does he say?”

“She needs you. Save her. Tell Jinx I love her.”

“And you don’t know who this person is?”

“No fucking clue. Every time I close my eyes, he’s there, and that’s what he says. He’s driving me nuts.”

Faith grinned. “Maybe that’s what you need to find out.”

“How? I never met the man. I know nothing about him.”

“Yes, you do. You know what club he belonged to? That’s a start.”

Shaking my head, I groaned. There was no fucking way Kansas would let me near the clubhouse. “Kansas hates me. I killed his club brother. Fuck Faith, he was going to kill me himself until Reaper showed up and saved me. He won’t like me showing up out of the blue.”

“Don’t think you have much of a choice, Zeke. You said it yourself. It’s his voice you hear the most. I believe that sometimes the universe finds a way to right a wrong. When that happens, nothing will ease the weight you are feeling until you fix what you broke. Go talk with Kansas. Tell him what’s going on. Maybe he can help.”

“I don’t know,” I whispered. “Seems like all I’d be doing is opening up old wounds.”

“Maybe. But the wounds won’t heal on their own, Zeke. In your case, you took someone’s life that was probably loved and respected. That hole you left that club with won’t ever fill. But you can ease their burdens. Sometimes, doing the right thing is harder than doing nothing at all. What do you have to lose?”

“My life.”

Faith shook her head. “I don’t think so. If this is the same President that Hope and Charity met, I think the man will be more receptive than you think. I’m betting he will even help you figure out what his brother is trying to tell you. Or you can do nothing and live with your nightmares. The choice is yours, Zeke.”

Sitting on the back porch, I looked up at the thousands of stars in the night sky and wondered where I fit into the grand scheme of things. I was a murderer. That was what I knew. With no club supporting my back, I was adrift in the world for the first time in my life.

It felt strange.

Different.

For as long as I can remember, I always had someone with me, whether it be my dad, mom, brothers or sisters. I was never alone. I knew technically I wasn’t alone, per se, but in the metaphorical sense. There was no one who understood what I was going through. No one to help me with the nightmares that plagued my soul.

Maybe Faith was right.

I was on some kind of journey.

I never really believed in the spiritual world. I mean, I believe in God, heaven and hell, but all that other stuff? It was all the other stuff I wasn’t so sure about.

Did I believe that the heart, mind and soul were all connected?

Sure. Without a heartbeat, I was dead. My mind made all the decisions and my soul, well, that was all my emotions, right? Not that I was any good with the latter. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried.