Page 69 of Mile High Baby

"No. It's really weird because deep down, I'm happy about it even though my life is a hot mess right now. Is that strange?"

"No. It's not strange at all." She spoke as if she understood what I meant from personal experience. It was a reminder that she’d lived a life I didn’t know anything about, and I hadn’t been there for her, for the good or bad of it.

"I know I want to keep the baby, but it complicates everything."

"Does the father know about the baby?" she asked.

"Not yet. And I'll be honest, I'm leaning toward not telling them at all. How bad is that? It's really bad, isn’t it?"

"I suppose it depends. Is he abusive?"

I had no doubt that Alex could kill somebody, probably with his pinky. But I didn’t think he was abusive. "No. But he'd been clear that he didn’t want to settle down and have a family. It was just supposed to be a little affair."

She was quiet for a while.

"It's actually more complicated than that."

"The man who was with you the other day? Your dad's friend?"

My first instinct was to tell her that Alex was my bodyguard, but then that would put into question why I would go to her house with a bodyguard and potentially put her and her family at risk.

"I suppose it doesn't really matter who it is. The question is where are things now? Is this affair still going on?" she asked, making me relieved I didn’t have to try and explain my situation with Alex.

"No. It ended about three days ago, and I haven't seen or heard from him since."

"And do you expect to?"

My heart pinched tight. "No. At least not in a situation that would lead to something."

She was quiet for a minute again. "Conventional wisdom is that you need to tell him because he has a responsibility, and maybe he would want to know. Babies can change things."

I nodded in agreement because it changed me.

"But at the same time, you have to think about what's best for your child. Do you want your child to grow up with a father who is only there out of duty and not love or is absent because there's no love?"

"That’s what I’ve been debating." I wanted to ask her if that had been her situation. But she would have shared it if it were relevant or she wanted me to know.

"In the end, Tori, it's all about what's best for the baby. Everything else about you and the father, goals and expectations, all that isn’t as important as what is best for your baby. As you know, plenty of kids grow up without one or the other parent and turn out just fine. There's plenty of kids who grow up with two parents who are messed up. So, if you just focus on what's important, loving and caring for your baby, the rest will work itself out."

Her opinion didn’t alleviate my guilt about not telling Alex, but it did make me feel like less of a bitch for considering it.

After I got off the phone with Samantha, I went and changed for bed. I’d read that I probably wouldn’t feel the symptoms of pregnancy until six weeks, but already, I was feeling fatigued. Then again, maybe it was the stress.

I settled into bed and closed my eyes to sleep. Like all the other nights since Alex left me here, he drifted into my dreams. The two previous nights were more of a nightmare with him and my father yelling, my father at Alex, and Alex at me for getting knocked up.

But tonight, Alex entered my dreams wearing shorts, a T-shirt, a ball cap, and hiking boots. He squatted down next to a small body of water that he’d hiked to. Between his legs stood a boy, maybe two or three years old, also wearing a ball cap and looking up at me with pale blue eyes.

"Look, Mommy, there's a frog."

Only then did I realize I was there as well, also in shorts and a T-shirt and a ball cap.

"What does a frog say, son?" Alex asked him.

"Ribbit-ribbit."

Alex laughed and turned to look at me, his expression full of joy and happiness.

I stared at him in confusion even as happiness bubbled up. "I thought you didn't want this."