Page 63 of Selling Innocence
“Burden is a pretty strong word. Do you think they’d use it?”
I thought back to all the times others had had to take care of me, when they’d had to step up and risk themselves or take their time all for me. From schools where my father shipped me off to, to bodyguards and drivers and tutors and housekeepers and butlers. So many people who had watched out for me.
Those weren’t even counting Nem, who had risked her life after nearly dying just to come back and rescue me, or Jarrod who helped to teach me to take care of myself and treated me like a daughter, or the Quad who had countless times shielded me from danger with their own bodies.
“Whether they’d say it or not, it’s true. No matter what I do, I’m just a silly little girl who others have to protect and look out for. The fact that they’re too nice to tell me doesn’t mean it isn’t a fact.”
Char said nothing back at first, his gaze locked on the picture. When he did speak, he didn’t look up. “I can tell they matter to you by the way you draw them. I’d bet they don’t see you the same way at all. No one would make you smile the way you do when you think about them if they didn’t care about you, too. That sort of connection is rare in the world.”
“You see me as a burden,” I pointed out.
“Well, sure, I do, but I’m an asshole.” Char smiled at me, the expression odd. It wasn’t the forced smile I so often saw, the one he gave to strangers when he played his part.
Was this a real smile? It held an edge, a sorrow, but that seemed just like him.
Why did it make my stomach flutter?
“You should smile like that more often,” I said.
Immediately, he wiped the expression from his face. It was like the door I’d peeked through slammed shut in my face, stealing the glimpse I’d gotten beneath his defenses.
“Don’t get this confused.” His voice no longer held that slight fondness, having turned icy. “I’m doing a job—nothing more. I’m here because I need you to get what I want. Don’t think for a moment you’re anything special to me.”
I thought I’d grown used to Char’s attitude, to his cutting words, but it seemed he could still surprise me. I hadn’t thought he’d fallen in love with me or anything, but the fact he could so clearly cut me down hurt. Maybe it was the hurt, but I found myself responding. “You don’t need to be so afraid.”
“Excuse me?” His question came out like a snarl, like a dog warning someone to stay back.
But I knew him, and I’d grown up around terrifying people. He couldn’t scare me, not with his little attitude. “Trusting people, letting them in, it isn’t nearly as scary as you think. You don’t have to snap just to keep others away. Living like you are, too scared to let your guard down, it’ll mean you’re always alone. That’s no way to live life.”
He blinked slowly, his gaze hard. I had clearly gone way too far, but I couldn’t help it. “You don’t know a damn thing about me.” His voice held no anger anymore, but the cold in each word was worse. It sounded like every bit of warmth or feeling inside him had leeched away. “I don’t let people close because it’s stupid to do so. People put on masks, they pretend to be whatever they think someone else wants, and they use that to get what they want. You act like I’m the only one, but I’m not. I’m just more aware of it than others, better at it.”
“I don’t pretend to be anyone but who I am.”
“That’s not true. I saw you with your little friends at school. You act differently. You act differently with your professors than you do with friends, and you act differently with me than you do Hayden or Vance or Tor. You are just like everyone else—giving people whatever version of yourself you think works in your favor.”
I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but he wasn’t entirely. Sure, I acted differently based on the environment, but that was normal, wasn’t it? “That’s no excuse for retreating into yourself. How do you expect to find special people in your life? Love?”
“Love?” He laughed, a sound filled with venom. “Love is a fantasy, Kenz, just something we pretend exists because it makes us feel a little better.”
“You just say that because you don’t know any better. Love is real.”
“You’ve fallen in love?”
“Well, not yet…” I thought about the few boys I’d liked and the way the Quad or my father had run them off.
“Then how dare you try to tell me off about it. You, who apparently hadn’t even had your first kiss, want to lecture me about what love is?”
The condescending way he spoke pushed me to fight back. “And what about you? You don’t know anything about it either!”
“I was married.”
And just like that, the ground seemed to disappear beneath me.
Char
Fuck. The moment the words left my mouth, I regretted them. I wished I could gather them and swallow them down so they never escaped.
Especially when Kenz’s eyes widened, and she went speechless.