Page 179 of Hate to Love You
“I killed him,” I mutter, my voice flat.
“I know.”
“He was going to shoot you in the back… I shot him… I killed him… Roman… I want…” I trail off, my voice quiet.
“I know, Abby. I know,” he murmurs, pulling me toward him.
My body feels heavy, and my knees buckle as the weight of what I did hits me in the chest.
I’ve killed before, but I’ve never seen it.
Roman catches me, trying to stop me from sinking to my knees, but they hit the cold concrete making my bones ache.
“What the fuck are you standing around for?! Get to work!”
“Yes Boss!” Oleg barks. “You heard him! Fan out, get scrubbing.”
“Where the fuck is my car?”
The sound of muttering and feet scuffling on the ground follows as the men start moving around me as Roman crouches down next to me, his eyes locked on mine.
Oleg steps round us, walking up to the body.
“It’s okay, Abby, you did what needed to be done,” Roman tries to reassure me, I feel my head nod in agreement. But I can’t look away as Oleg grips the guy’s shoulders, flipping him onto his back. Lifeless, empty eyes stare blankly toward the sky. His skin was already tinting gray, in contrast to the blood pouring onto the ground.
“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Roman continues, whispering into my hair. My eyes close, as his thumb rubs soothing circles on my back.
Roman’s reassurances fall on deaf ears.
Because the truth is I’m not upset that someone died by my hand tonight. I’m at war with my thoughts and feelings over how much my demons enjoyed it.
I can hear the body being dragged away, likely to be swept under the rug and forgotten.
Deep down I know that I should feel some remorse, regret… guilt. I should feel anything other than what I’m feeling right now, but I can’t find any reason to.
He was going to kill Roman, so I had to kill him.
But…I wanted to. And I would do it again.
Fuck. I want to do it again.
We stay in silence, Roman sweetly trying to comfort me, and protect me at the same time. His body is practically wrapped round mine like a shield. He whispers that everything is going to be okay, and that I did nothing wrong. All the while my demons riot and roll, fearing that I’m going to cage them once again.
I hear feet shuffling towards us and I twist, glancing up at Oleg over my shoulder.
“What?” Roman barks crudely, causing Oleg to jump and stand a little straighter.
“I—sorry, Boss,” he clears his throat, trembling as he does so. “We—I, we need the gun.”
“Fine,” Roman snaps, untangling himself from me, leaning forward to grab the gun.
“No.” I say, my voice clear.
The alley falls silent as everyone turns to me once again, Roman leans back, leaving the gun exactly where I dropped it.
“Miss Wayne,” Oleg says, quietly wringing his hands together as his eyes ping pong between me, Roman and the gun. “It’s a murder weapon, it has to be disposed of.”
“No,” I repeat, narrowing my eyes before turning to Roman. Somehow, I know that he will understand, even if he isn’t aware of what I need him to understand.