Page 15 of The Leaving Kind
Their sister’s death five years ago had changed him further. After they’d lost their parents, Rebecca had practically raised Nick while Cam had run off to find a war. Her passing had devastated Nick. When Cam had arrived home again, nearly two years ago, he’d found a ghost living in a house full of them.
Cam had seen himself in all of those faces too. Seen his shitty history as a brother. As the boy and then the man who always ran away.
A dull pain spread out from the center of his chest, and he resisted the urge to press his fist there. He’d had a conversation with Nick last year about this very pain. Cam had called it grief and had told his little bro that everyone felt it.
Truth. But Cam’s pain wasn’t only a sense of loss. Or maybe it was—just deeper and more profound than the absence of family. Of having only Nick and Rebecca’s daughter, Emma, who Nick had raised in turn after Rebecca passed away.
Cam had been quiet for so long, the signs for 611, the route along the river, were already counting down. He glanced over at his brother again, then back through the window.
“There was someone. Once. A few years ago,” he said to the trees along the highway.
The truck slowed, then sped up again. “Who?”
“A woman up in Connecticut. She ...” He didn’t want to talk about this. Cam forced a smile. “Tell me your plan for asking Oliver.”
“I’m at the part where I ask other people why they decided to get married.”
A surprised laugh shot out of Cam’s lungs. “That’s a part of your plan?”
“I’m in the research phase.”
“Oh my God, Nick. You slay me.”
Lips pursed, Nick guided the truck onto the exit. “I don’t understand why you find my planning so funny.”
“I don’t. It’s just this plan. Marriage is ...” Cam let out another breath, this one a lesser held sigh. “I guess it does require some forethought. I mean, it’s not something you’re supposed to take lightly. But what you and Ollie have works on a number of levels. You’re friends and you’re lovers. You have the sort of adult relationship I envy. You admire and support each other’s talents and respect the differences. You’ve made a home together and a place where both of you can work. You get along with each other’s families. Heck, the most important part? You genuinely like each other and that’s a lot. Love—love can be overwhelming. It can blind you to reality. Like is so much better.”
“I love Oliver.”
“I know you do, but it’s the kind of love that comes from intense like and admiration. Respect.”
Nick’s brow crunched. He glanced at Cam. “You don’t think I’m capable of a passionate love?”
“I didn’t say that. I meant to infer you weren’t the type to lose your head to it.”
“But I did. When I thought Oliver might move to Texas, I very much lost my head.”
Nick had also destroyed several of the new trees Cam had planted in their backyard. “Sorry, little bro. I didn’t mean to sound like ... Fuck. I wasn’t trying to ... I’m not the one to ask, okay? About love and marriage. But what I was trying to say is that you’ve got whatever it takes. You and Oliver have it. That spark. The deep kind of love that’s a shared deal.” Cam smacked the dash in front of him. “It’s not mindless infatuation. That’s what I was trying to say.”
Nick nodded. “I understand.” He glanced over, his expression sad. “You haven’t had a deep love? Not even with the woman you wanted to marry?”
“I didn’t say I wanted to marry her.”
“Your face did.”
“Damn your observant ass.” Cam waved toward the windshield. “Pay attention to the road.”
Nick snorted.
“She wasn’t into it,” Cam continued, relating only the relevant part of the story.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’d make a shitty husband. I lost the best part of myself in Afghanistan, Nick. There’s not enough left to partner up with someone now.”
A sharp inhale. “I don’t believe that.”
“You can believe what you like. I know who I am.”