Page 77 of Spark
“Do not fight me,” Darren ordered after a moment. He picked my dead weight off the bed, keeping himself inside me while he pulled me to his chest. “Wrap your legs around me and hold on.”
Reluctantly, I did what he asked, and he proceeded to carry me out of the room and up the stairs to his bedroom where we continued to fuck well into the night until I finally passed out from exhaustion.
When I woke up, it was a little after two a.m., and Darren was nowhere to be found. Thank fuck. I needed a break from his dick and constant alpha male antics. Attempting to go back to sleep, I twisted and turned in the sheets, but my mind was too busy racing over the last few hours. My body might have been exhausted, but my mind was wide awake with worry and anxiety.
Surrendering, I rolled out of bed, not giving a fuck that I was still naked, and walked over to the windows. I didn’t bother trying to leave the room. Wherever Darren put me for the night was where I was likely meant to stay. I didn’t know what the fuck he could possibly be doing at this hour, but what did I care?
White iridescent light from the full moon flooded into the room, beckoning me to reveal myself in it. I sat down on the carpeted floor just outside the window, completely encompassed by the moon’s glow and stared off into the world I was barred from.
The view was beyond beautiful. With the ocean off in the distance, the light of the moon reflected off the water while the stars twinkled above, and it was nearly a perfect night. I found myself wanting to go down to the beach and walk the night waves, but I knew that wasn’t happening.
I tried to ignore it, but my mind kept going back to the sharp words I’d shared with Darren. I’d never thought I knew the monster so well until he revealed how he’d planned to exploit my trauma into something he thought would benefit him. That I would succumb to my distress and break, allowing him to claim the loyalty he wanted so badly from me.
Even the idea of pretending to love him to get him to trust me was enough to make me vomit. I couldn’t keep that charade up even if my life depended on it… and it sort of did. I could not look at him with adoration or feel anything but absolute hatred and disgust. I had no idea how long I would have to fake that shit, and I didn’t think I had it in me to keep it going. He’d figure it out eventually, and I didn’t want to think of what he would do if he thought I was lying about something as important as that.
Getting him to love me would be easier, but that didn’t mean he would automatically trust me. I just wanted his sympathy, but who knew if that was even guaranteed? He might be even more resentful because I didn’t reciprocate his feelings.
God, I just wanted to give up. I didn’t want to do this anymore. There was an obstacle at every turn, and I had no idea how many turns were in this fucked-up maze that was my life. I had nothing going for me—no purpose—other than to be fucked on a daily basis whenever and however Darren wanted me. That was no life. I needed more. If I was going to be here for as long as I was, then I needed something to hold on to, something that moved with me, not left me behind. But I didn’t know what to ask for. And I didn’t know if I would even get it.
It didn’t take long for my tears to unconsciously roll down my cheeks, falling to my knees as I held on to myself. I tried counting the days of how long I’d been here, and I came to realize since that almost the end of July, it had been about five months. God, it felt like it was forever. It was December now; the weather changes were rolling in, and though it was only in the sixties in California, it was getting down to the thirties in Michigan. That also meant Christmas was around the corner somewhere. Fuck, I missed the snow this time of year. My family and I would usually go up north around this time and spend a whole weekend at Boyne Mountain, snowboarding until the sun went down. I’d race my brothers down the hills and occasionally let them win. Occasionally. I could never beat Jason, though. He’d been snowboarding since he was a kid.
I hated that my mind had brought him up, but with Christmas clearly around the corner, I couldn’t help but think of him and our Christmas mornings. It was my favorite holiday. It meant I got to be surrounded by my family, basking in all the lights and colors, the food, music, and unexplainable magic in the air I felt whenever that time finally came back around again.
I couldn’t imagine sharing my love of that magic with Darren. I didn’t even know if he celebrated Christmas since he seemed to forget all about Thanksgiving. Maybe I should ask. Maybe I should forget about it. I was stuck between asking him to make my life less miserable to keeping it miserable so I would remember to hate him.
I would not fall in love with him. I majored in psychology, for fuck’s sake. I would be able to decipher reality from fantasy. I was too strong to lose track of my ultimate goals. Even though most of the time I loved the way Darren fucked me when he wasn’t punishing me, I still wasn’t gone enough to know it was wrong. He was wrong — evil and callous. Whether I became his wife or the mother of his children, I was still a captive. Darren and Sid could try to twist the philosophy of it however they wanted, but if I wasn’t allowed the choice to leave, I was a captive. End of. But I could choose what kind of captive to be; whether that was a cooperative captive or a rebellious captive, it was my choice.
But where would cooperation lead me? Right into the devil’s arms.
To Darren, this would always be a game of wills. And if I wasn’t careful, if I unconsciously gave in to my trauma and surrendered my internal fight from years of exhaustion, I’d never forgive myself. From the moment I’d first come into his ownership, it’d been nothing but manipulation. So far, I’d been able to withstand and counter, but I had a feeling his efforts were about to increase tenfold. I had to stay sharp, stay aware, and keep my heart guarded against the evils that sought to destroy me. I might have to bend to Darren’s will, but I would not yield to my own.
28
Snow
* * *
My knuckles ached. After my night with Jaden, I still had too much energy to dispel, though I had no idea how. Fighting with her always put me on edge, and while I had to be somewhat gentle with her, it wasn’t required for the scumbags who owed me money.
Every now and then, when I was in the mood, I’d handle the debtors myself and take whatever pent-up rage and violence I’d been harboring out on them. Some survived, some didn’t. Some were never the same again. If they happened to have the money, I might just break a bone here or there for making me wait. Interest didn’t have to be in the form of money. It could also be in blood. And it was always at my discretion.
Scott would sometimes have too much fun with them, to the point I would applaud his creativity. The more blood he spilled, the more satisfied he seemed. He was a sick son of a bitch, and I loved him for it. But tonight wasn’t about blood loss; it was more of a blunt force trauma kind of night.
I’d cracked three skulls in the last hour, each one worth about ten grand in comparison to their gambling debts from the underground poker parties—money I didn’t give a shit about. I’d made that in an hour alone. I didn’t hide from my urges to create pain; I didn’t deny myself the enjoyment of instilling fear in others and then reminding them of why they had good cause to be afraid. It was exhilarating. Choosing whether to grant life or death and then act out that choice was an experience to behold.
My father had always taught me about the importance of life—that it was important to give and important to take. When their purpose was gone, they no longer held value and instantly became a liability. We didn’t deal with liabilities—we eliminated them without hesitation. You didn’t leave the family simply because of this principle. You might be granted leave to retire past a certain age, but if you were called upon—no matter the reason—your loyalty remained unquestionable. No one ever wanted to become a liability, yet I had granted one exception. The only liability worth all the trouble.
By the time we got back to the house, and I was satisfied, I couldn’t help but look forward to finding Jaden naked and asleep in my bed. I wanted to feel her soft skin against mine, her solid tiny frame in my arms while her glossy hair draped over my shoulder. She had the ability to calm and enrage me at the same time; it was a dangerous combination, but feeling her against me was one of the best feelings in the world.
So when I passed the guards standing post at my bedroom door and opened it to find her not in my bed, irritation and a small amount of panic set in because she wasn’t where I expected her to be. My eyes quickly scanned the room until I found her sitting on the floor in the moonlight by the window. Her pale naked skin practically glowed in the light, making her look like something straight from Heaven. With her red hair draped down her bare back, the light of the moon changed the hue of the colors, making them darker, almost blood-like. Beautiful.
She didn’t turn around as I entered, but I had a strong feeling she knew I was there since I noticed her go hands move to wipe her face as she sniffled. She’d been crying again. Regarding her carefully, I kicked off my shoes by the couch and removed my blood-stained t-shirt, not wanting to taint her perfect skin.
“You should be in bed,” I said as I approached her.
“Couldn’t sleep.” Her voice was quiet, reserved, submissive. She wouldn’t be fighting me much anymore tonight. I’d successfully extinguished those flames again.
I moved to stand over her, my hands in the pockets of my jeans as I smirked down at her. “I fucked you for nearly three hours. How can you not sleep?”