Page 15 of Leave Me Broken
Me: What does thatnmean?
A: You’ll see.
A: enjoy your dinner and try and get some sleep tonight, babygirl.
Me: I’ll try.
A: I love you. Talk tomorrow.
Me: <3
I know my face is on fire and my friends notice, but they won’t ask with the guys around, and unfortunately, they are around. I want to talk about how Ash says I love you and how I haven’t said it back. I don’t know why I haven’t, I just . . . can’t. Maybe I’m scared as soon as I say it he will somehow disappear like so many others. Or maybe I’m scared because then it’s real between us. If I admit my feelings out loud, then . . . that’s it. You can’t take them back once you’ve said them. Sure, people try but you can’t. Once you say I love you, no matter what you do after, you can never take back the fact that, at one point you, did love them. That’s a scary thought, what if Ash does something worse than the stripper or son thing after I admit my feelings out loud? I don’t know what could be worse than that, though. Having a secret son is pretty bad. Not worse than a secret wife, though. My stomach twists at the thought.
Me: You’re not married right>
A: No.
A: Get out of your head Payson. Enjoy your night. We will talk tomorrow.
I shove my phone in my pocket because, he’s right. This is a night to enjoy my friends, even if they are enjoying company that is not mine. It’s nice to be able to sit back and relax without thinking too hard on anything.
A tall redhead walks into the dining area. He scans the room, more people have shown up, but it still doesn’t take long for him to find us. I guess this is their third. He looks familiar too, maybe more so. They don’t go to our school. I think I know everyone in my grade, at least know of them—it’s not a big school. They must attend Washington High, the other school in our town. The “normal” school, most people call it. That’s probably why they look familiar. It’s not often but every now and again our schools will go on a field trip or something together to help cut the cost since our school is so small compared to theirs. Wealthier, but smaller.
The guy walks up but doesn’t sit right away. He stands next to my bench and stares down at his friends like he’s angry. Of course they are too busy gawking at my friends to notice how annoyed their friend looks. I’m happy he’s annoyed because he can join the club. His friends are annoying. They are loud and obnoxious. Obviously trying to impress Janelle and Monica and somehow, it’s working. Janelle keeps grabbing Ryan’s arm anytime he makes her laugh, which is a lot.
“You can sit,” I tell the redhead who still hasn’t moved. Not that I want to move, but I already did and him standing there is weirding me out.
His brown eyes flick my way and he frowns. Okay, rude.
“Or not.” I shrug.
The seat under me bounces when he drops onto the bench. We are looking at each other but neither of us look happy about it. He also smells like cigarettes, and I hate the smell of cigarettes.
“I’m Payson.”
He lifts his chin in a “sup” way. “Hero.”
“Hero? Cool name.”
“My mom thought so.” I think he’s joking, but he doesn’t offer even a hint of a smile, so I can’t be sure.
Thankfully our food arrives and saves me from this awkward conversation. Our waitress sets my wings in front of me and the pizza we ordered in the middle. The guys ordered a supreme pizza, and we ordered a meat lovers, they made a joke about us loving meat which I promptly ignored.
I’m understanding why I like older men. It’s not just the fact Ash can grow beautiful facial hair, or the gray flecks around his ears and temples that make my mouth water when he pushes his hair back, or his mature body—it’s his maturity level overall.
I love to joke around and make stupid jokes but I’m also a lover of serious conversations. Talking about the things that have happened to me was tough with Ash, only because it’s difficult to talk about, he is a fantastic listener and made opening up as easy as it could be.
Discussing the future of marriage and kids and not see the blood drain from his face. Obviously we are nowhere near that point and won’t be for a long time, but I will not waste time with someone I know I hold no future with. I’m not sure why anyone would.
Then I remember that not everyone wants serious. They don’t crave the commitment like I do, or the security. I might fear commitment and what’s to come but I can’t be with someone who feels the same. One of us has to be sure and Ash is definitely sure. His comment on parents’ night flashes through my head. “It’s still my dick you’ll be riding on our wedding night.” I think he is delusional to be saying that stuff when we’re not even together and have only known each other officially for two months. Men aren’t scared off as easily as boys. Maybe because they think their time is limited; I don’t know, but I appreciate it either way.
Hero’s arm brushes mine when he steals a chicken wing from my basket. “Hey!”
He closes his lips around it and cocks a sharp red eyebrow in challenge.
“You shouldn’t steal her food. Payson is very particular on her food,” Janelle pipes up but Hero ignores her by chugging the rest of my water as well.
“You ass! You can order your own, you know? There’s pizza right in front of you.”