Page 151 of Leave Me Broken
“Last night. You?”
He pulls something from behind his ear, a cigarette. “I come by daily, right now, anyway. While she’s getting her treatments.” He pops it between his lips, and I watch in amazement as he lights it.
“You know, I just told you my grandpa has lung cancer and now you are smoking in front of me.”
He sucks in a long drag, holds it, then blows it toward the sky. “What does that have to do with me?”
“Well, for one, you’re definitely not meant to be smoking here.” I point behind him to the sign that specifically says “Tobacco-free Campus.” He shrugs after seeing it. “And that’s what causes lung cancer.”
“Is it?”
“Are you trying to piss me off?”
His annoying smirk says yes. “It’s better being pissed off than sad, trust me.” I can’t imagine Hero sad. “The sky’s been crying enough without you adding to it. Weird weather, huh?”
I stare out at the parking lot full of cars as the rain continues to assault them and the ground. “Yeah, but I like the rain.”
He moves closer. “Sad people love the rain because they aren’t the only thing crying anymore.” I peer up at Hero. He shrugs. “Or maybe because we are meant to believe that rain is sad so when we are sad, it makes us feel less alone.”
“Are you sad?” My voice is soft because he’s right. Maybe I grew up loving the rain because it made me feel less alone.
He drops his eyes, and for a split second, his walls fall and it’s like I can see a younger, sadder version of Hero under this version. “Nah.” Liar. “Used to be, though.” He’s still sad. He can lie all day long to himself, but I don’t believe it. Watching your mom, who he obviously cares a good amount for, go through cancer three times, isn’t easy, I imagine.
“I was trying to come up with an excuse to go spend the night at my thirty-three-year-old boyfriend’s house when my grandpa had his second stroke of the year.”
Hero pauses at my confession. Why did I just tell him that out of nowhere? I don’t know but I think it’s suffocating me. The guilt. I love Ash and I want to be with him forever, but the lies are suffocating.
My nose burns at the smell of smoke, and blinking, I realize Hero has lit his cigarette again. “Did that drive you to smoke?”
He squints, sucks in a long breath, then blows it straight into the sky. Without missing a beat, he nods. “Yeah, what the fuck kind of confession is that?”
I shrug. I don’t even know the answer to that.
“You’re what, eighteen?”
“Seventeen.”
“My fuck. What the fuck are you doing being involved with a man twice your age?”
That’s a can of worms I don’t feel like entertaining. Thankfully someone bitching at Hero about his smoking saves me from having to. He puts it out against the wall, then tosses it behind his ear, again.
“If you ever need a breather, my mom will be in here for a while, come find me.”
“How do you know I need a breather?”
He cracks a sloppy smile, then brushes the top of my head like I’m some kid. “Takes one to know one—or something like that. See ya, Streaks.”
49
Ash
They say there are many stages you go through during grief. They also say when you find out someone you love is dying, it is possible to start the stages early.
Payson is going through her denial stage. I watch with the heaviest weight on my chest as she begs her granddad to go through treatment. And the weight increases when he shakes his head no.
He was released from the hospital this morning and neither Payson nor I have left his side since. Vicky seems curious about my presence, but Paul doesn’t. I would think maybe he knows but I think if he did, he wouldn’t be okay with me being here. He’s nonjudgmental but I can’t imagine he would enjoy me being in love with his granddaughter.
“There is a cancer treatment center right here in Bayshore. My friend says it’s good.” Which friend is that? I’m not sure about Ronni but I don’t think Janelle has had anyone with cancer. Not that I know her family’s medical history, so maybe, but then Payson would have said Janelle not friend. “If it’s about cost, I’ll get a job.”