Page 161 of Leave Me Broken
I don’t even know how he found the bottle. I thought I buried it deep enough in the garbage, but apparently not. Grandpa asked him to take it out last night when he left, then I got a text when he got home telling me to be up and ready for an out-of-season practice today. He was fine the entire way to the gym, a little tense but that’s normal for Ash right now, but when he walked into the gym he freaking jumped me, barking for me to go run. Then he ran me most of the day.
I know when he comes because he pushes so deep inside me, my cervix cries out and he mutters something about how a baby would keep other boys away. He’s so unbelievably wrong, a baby wouldn’t keep other boys away, I would. I do. He doesn’t want to hear what actually happened with Clay. He doesn’t understand the power he has over me that makes it impossible to want any other guy but him, I guess I don’t understand the power I have over him either because he’s as lost as I am.
His hair has gotten longer, his beard is untamed. He’s not working out regularly and when my aunt offered him extra dessert yesterday—he agreed.
The Ash I know and love is slipping. I don’t care how he looks, he’s still easily the hottest man ever but he’s not caring for himself, and I know that’s because I keep him awake every night talking because my dreams. He’s not sleeping, he’s barely eating, and when he does, it’s shit.
When he pulls out of me, I drop to the floor, and he leaves me there, storming from his office and slamming the door behind him. His cum drips out of my pussy onto the floor, but I leave it. Standing, I cringe at the pain in my knee but pull my spandex back up.
We don’t talk the entire way to my grandpa’s, and when he stops the car, he doesn’t follow me inside like he always does. I don’t stop and ask either. I don’t even watch him drive away.
Ash is broken and it’s all my fault.
I knew I would play the next season with almost a completely new team, but I hardly know these girls. Sure, some are familiar because they’ve been on the team since they started high school, but I never paid attention to the JV team enough to know names. The season hasn’t started, but Ash and Coach Maddox are hosting an open gym once a month until spring, then it’ll be once a week to give us plenty of time to prepare for next fall. We had a good season this year and he wants to continue that. That was a part of his speech at the beginning of practice. The part I listened to when my body was screaming at me to lie down. Ash hasn’t answered my calls the last two nights and I haven’t been able to sleep. I’m running on fumes, but he hasn’t looked at me once to realize how much I need him.
Another thing I didn’t expect about a new team was the immense jealousy I would feel having Ash’s attention on girls I wasn’t friends with. Alyssa was bad—but these girls are almost worse. They are wild cards. I don’t know if any of them would try anything or not. I don’t think he would entertain the idea, but my head likes to remind me who I am and that I’m no different than them.
But I am. I’m way more fucked.
Take the little brunette he is working closely with right now. She’s cute, her name is Sadie or something cute. She’s seventeen like me, old for a sophomore. Her spandex fit her perfectly, showing off her small but perky ass and her shirt is tight. Not in an obnoxious way, an athletic way proving her narrow waist and probably B-size tits. It’s short sleeved because she doesn’t have anything to hide. She’s been smiling and happy since we got here. Laughing with her friends like she has no issues in the world. I’d bet she even has a dog.
I’ve always wanted a dog.
She’s a Setter like Ash, and when she makes a perfect set, Ash’s smile is the biggest I’ve seen in so long. Both Coach Maddox and Ash congratulate her and the Hitter I didn’t see. But Ash lingers on Sadie longer, no doubt complimenting her on form or giving some tips I wouldn’t understand as a Libero. Something fucking stupid.
“Pay.” I look to my right to see Mika watching me with worried eyes. I glance back to Ash only to have him staring back at me for the first time since I got here. His smile slips right away and my insides crumble. Everything hurts and I want nothing more than to drag a fucking blade across every part of my burning skin, knowing I have no one to blame but myself for the state we are in.
Instead, I force my gaze on Mika, knowing she wants to pepper. Heavy feet carry me over to my spot on the floor. She takes hers across from me, weary to start, but I nod and the game begins.
And the last piece of my soul dies.
53
Payson
Another sleepless night. I think I’m getting used to not sleeping. I stop tossing and turning but it’s not the sun that greets me this morning, it’s more rain. It stopped raining for a short period and maybe that’s why there is an unease in my stomach as I look out the small window at the gloomy gray and knowing skies.
There’s a song my aunt sings periodically in church—my favorite song—and I know she only sings it because I love it. As I look across Grandpa’s lawn, I can hear that song in my head as clear as if it was coming from inside the trailer.
I angle my ear toward my door. It is coming from inside the trailer. I pinch my eyes close and move toward my window, propping it open slightly, just to hear the soft pattering of the rain against the birdhouse outside. Rain used to comfort me, but I have a sinking feeling it’s an omen for the worst day of my life.
I don’t know how long I stand at the window, or when my brother drags me into the living room, because apparently, it’s my turn.
My turn to say goodbye to my favorite person, but how do you say goodbye to someone you aren’t ready to say goodbye to?
Easy. You don’t.
You stand there like a statue, staring into the same blue eyes you grew up looking into as you watch your grandpa take his last breath.
And then your world ends.
Ten Thousand Angels Cried, indeed.
Heavy, but quick footsteps sink into the soggy ground behind me. I don’t need to look to know who it is because the overwhelming feeling in my chest expands in a way only he can cause.
He drops to the ground in front of me and swollen red eyes meet mine before dropping, no doubt seeing the blood. So much blood.
When I called, I didn’t think he would answer, let alone drive over and meet me at the park after how things have been between us as of lately. I didn’t tell him where I was so he must have looked at my location. That means I still have a hold on him. I don’t know how big or how steady we are but when he’s hugging me—I don’t care.