Page 37 of Thank you, Next

The comic finished her set, and the emcee introduced Ace. The courtyard was packed. Ace’s career had just been starting out when they’d started dating. He was doing shows all over town five nights a week, so she’d seen it a lot. He was an incredibly funny guy, but those jokes had gotten really stale.

But he had new material now that he was married. His wife was still performing as a comic, too, although it seemed like she was pregnant every time she filmed a special on Netflix. It had become part of her gag, but having a baby for a bit seemed a little much to Alex.

But she wasn’t a professional entertainer.

Alex joined the crowd in clapping for Ace when he came up onstage. She looked over at Will, and he joined in.

Ace still looked good, though marriage had softened his edges and degraded his fashion sense. He was wearing pleated khakis, which she would have burned if she were his wife. Although comics were legendarily all cads, so maybe his wife kept him in ugly clothes so no one else wanted to fuck him.

Alex really couldn’t speak to the effectiveness of that strategy, but no women had thrown their panties on the stage when he came out, like they had when he was with Alex.

Ace started his act with the usual “How’s everybody doing tonight?” He scanned the crowd and Alex felt his gaze on her and Will’s table. She had a sinking feeling for a moment, in the pit of her stomach. But he didn’t say anything directly to or about them, so she breathed a sigh of relief.

Will did look over at her and mouth, “He saw you, right?”

Alex nodded and shrugged. She couldn’t think of anything more embarrassing than being called out by a comedian doing crowd work, but he really didn’t have anything to say about her that was bad enough to turn into a bit. Did he?

He then turned to some jokes she recognized from when they were in their nascent forms—things he’d said when they were hanging out and laughed at to himself. She hadn’t gotten them then, but he seemed to have worked them into something funny. She found herself laughing and almost forgetting that this was a man she’d dated who had ghosted her.

Until the spotlight hit her and Will. Alex froze. Will looked ready to make a run for it. Alex shot him a look that said she would eviscerate him painfully and slowly if he dared to move a muscle in the direction of the door—at least if he didn’t throw her over his shoulder before escaping.

“My ex-girlfriend is here.” The crowd wasn’t sure what to do with that, so they stayed quiet other than a few stray laughs from people who couldn’t sense that shit was about to go down. “How are you doing, Alex?”

Oh shit, he was naming names. She could feel more than hear the grumble coming from Will. It seemed to vibrate through the table, amping up her own sense of unease. Hoping that being a good sport would make this horror pass more quickly, she smiled brightly and gave a thumbs-up.

There was more nervous laughter after that. She should have known this was a terrible idea. Ace had always prided himself on how edgy his comedy was. Alex was pretty sure it was just mean.

“You know my wife hates your guts, right?” Alex shook her head, smile firmly in place. She put her hand on Will’s arm then. She couldn’t physically tie him to his chair, but Will hated bullies. Ace’s bit hadn’t strayed into bullying territory yet, but the tone was there.

“Yeah, she says you broke me.” Ace looked away from them and made a face at the crowd that was meant to put a button on that. Then he continued. “This sweet-as-pie-looking light-skinned girl used to insult me during our”—he paused for dramatic effect—“lovemaking.”

Alex wanted the floor to swallow her up. And she wanted to take Will somewhere after this and wipe out the memory of this whole debacle. Even though she was pissed that he hadn’t called her all week after the kiss, she didn’t want him to think that she had a kink that made her want to degrade her partners. Will just didn’t seem like he would be into that. The way he’d taken control of the kiss, and the way he liked to control everything in general, told her that he was definitely a toppy-toppy top.

And that was more than great for her. Thinking about Will topping her allowed her to dissociate from the whole debacle when Ace started talking about how she used to call him a pencil dick.

And he left out the part about him asking her to call him names during sex.

True to her policy, she’d refused to insult him in ways that were not true, and he did have a pencil dick. But it was fine. While they’d been dating, she’d done plenty of Kegels and brought toys into the equation.

All of this was fine, but it was beyond mortifying to have it all laid out for an audience. And then for them to think it was the funniest thing they’d ever heard. She wanted to die. She legitimately wanted to die. She also wanted to know what Will thought, but he could tell her when she was dead. She was sure that Lexi would hold a séance in lieu of a funeral, and he could tell her then.

Even in profile, she could tell that the look on Will’s face was just shy of murderous. But she knew, and she hoped that he knew, that walking out now would only bring more attention to the problem. Right now, the audience was paying attention to the fact that Ace was holding a pen perpendicular to the floor in front of the placket of his jeans and galloping around the stage. The spotlight was off her and Will, and the crowd was not paying them any attention. If they left, Alex didn’t doubt for a moment that the spotlight would return to them and Ace would improvise another bit.

She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Alex just hoped that Will didn’t want to tear out Ace’s entrails after the show. When Will was murderous, he looked sort of like a Viking. A half-Italian Viking, but still.

So, they sat through the rest of the show, but they didn’t laugh after the pencil-dick debacle.

Alex tried to rush Will out as soon as Ace left the stage. She didn’t want them running into each other, and she didn’t think she needed to talk to Ace about why they’d broken up. He was a mean drunk, and that was really enough of an answer for her at this point. She would probably be better served by talking to a licensed therapist about why she was drawn to a mean drunk.

But Will stopped her short of the exit. “You dated that guy?”

“It wasn’t my finest moment, but yeah.” She wasn’t going to defend the choice. It was a bad choice.

Will smirked at her, and she stopped worrying that he was too mad for public consumption. “Did he really have a pencil dick?” But he said it too loud, and several other people who’d been at the show turned to see if they could hear her answer.

“Never mind.” She gave the stragglers some pointed looks. “Can we get out of here?”

“Oh no, I want to meet this guy.” Will cracked his knuckles. “I have some things to say to him.”