Page 113 of Stolen Faith

“Command gave me one pass to grab Joe, but I couldn’t see him because he’d disappeared into the building. Another time, I might have tried to land, but I couldn’t with one skid missing.”

Rowan closed his eyes, a frown marring his brow.

“I made my one pass, no Joe. Took more fire. Command ordered me to return. To leave him. I said I wouldn’t. The Ranger squad leader was pissed, talking to his own command even as his guys prepped to drop down and go right back into the thick of it to find Joe.

“Command said they’d send in another Mike to get Joe when he got to a secure location and called for extraction. They said when, but everyone knew it was an ‘if.’ They ordered me to return to base.” Rowan’s voice was thick with emotion.

“I’m so sorry,” Izabel whispered.

“You had to fly away,” Brennon said softly.

Rowan nodded. “I followed orders. Was only a hundred meters off that building when one of the Rangers spotted him. I turned enough to see Joe run out of the building, headed for the spot where the Rangers had sheltered. He was running after us, knew we were leaving. I could have gotten to him. I know I could have. He was waving his arms, yelling. I told my C.O. I was going back, but he told me to keep flying. We got into an argument, but I could have taken the bird back around, could have faced the court martial for disobeying orders. But…I didn’t.” Rowan’s voice broke.

There was a long silence before he spoke again.

“Joe was shot in the back. I don’t know how many bullets they sprayed into his body, but I saw when he lowered his arms, when he knew I wasn’t coming back, and I saw him go down, saw him die.”

“Rowan,” Brennon breathed, though that was all he said before Rowan continued.

“I failed him. What did you say, Brennon? No man left behind? I left my best friend behind. He died because I wasn’t strong enough to go back.”

Brennon shook his head. “No. You had just rescued seven people and were given a direct order.”

“Your commanding officer was right,” Izabel added. “If you’d circled around, there was a very good chance you would have been shot down and all died.”

Rowan nodded, but not like he agreed, just that he was acknowledging it.

“I failed Joe twice. First when I didn’t stop him from going down, second when I left him to die.”

Izabel’s heart broke for Rowan, for Joe. Two men’s lives destroyed because they’d been put in an untenable position.

“I failed both of you too. If I’d taken down the mercenary in your condo, Izabel. If I’d—”

“Stop,” Izabel demanded, her voice louder, angrier than she’d intended. “Don’t say that. Don’t even fucking think that.”

“I mean it,” he persisted.

Izabel fumed. Had he really been thinking that? The entire time? She wasn’t sure if she wanted to hug him or hit him. “Don’t. Say. Another. Word.”

Rowan was going to argue, but she held his gaze, lifted a brow, and gave him a look that said, “I dare you.”

“Izabel,” he started.

“Please, Rowan,” she said, softer. She was barely keeping it together. Her trauma had devastated her, but his…his had utterly destroyed her. “You and Brennon were my rocks. I wouldn’t have survived the last few days without you. You did nothing wrong.”

“You wouldn’t have had to if I’d protected you—”

He fell silent, his eyes locked on hers. She wasn’t sure she’d gotten through to him, and she mentally added “couples counseling” to their therapy list. Rowan took his perceived failures to the next level, and it would take a lot of time and talking to convince the stubborn man he wasn’t to blame for anything that had happened this week.

Rather than fight her, he turned his gaze to the window, looking outside though she doubted he was seeing anything.

And none of them spoke for several minutes, Izabel and Brennon absorbing the story he’d just told.

She could see Rowan fighting his way back to them mentally. His strength knew no bounds. Finally, he turned to face them again, and somehow, he’d managed to lock the past away again, his composure returning, the stoic man back in control.

She wasn’t the only one to notice as Brennon broke the silence. “Jesus, Rowan. How do you hold all that inside?”

“I’ve pushed all my shit down for so long, my insides are an overflowing landfill. I guess I’ve just gotten used to wallowing in the filth.”