Page 47 of Until He Confesses

She kept eating but I could tell now that our conversation had been moved into the category of something ongoing and so I too resumed my meal.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I mean I talk when I need to say something. When I’m around people I’m close to I don’t know if I talk more than is needed.”

“Mn,” I said. “So maybe when we eventually become close, I’ll be able to tell?”

She seemed startled but I didn’t miss her smile.

“I don’t know, I mean, what is a lot? In comparison to what? For instance, in comparison to you, I would say that I do talk a lot.”

I smiled.

“I seem quiet?”

“I think I can count the number of words you’ve spoken in total on one hand since we’ve met.”

I laughed softly.

“That’s an exaggeration.”

“Maybe, but you get my point.”

I continued eating.

“What do you mean?”

“Are you just reserved around strangers, or do you really not talk much?”

“I really don’t talk that much,” I replied. “But it could change. Maybe I’ve just not met the person that could make me want to talk a lot.”

I could feel her smile from one side to the next.

“You’re interesting,” she said, and I turned to ask.

“How so?”

We met each other's gazes but didn’t speak any further and that was how that first lunch had come to an end.

Over time we soon learned that with each other, the conversation was virtually endless.

It was sometimes over the most mundane of things or the most exciting but listening to her had become one of my favorite things to do. She was quite animated when she spoke, I realized when she wasn’t too self-conscious it was like watching a play. But then from time to time she would catch herself and hesitate but then seeing the amusement in my gaze she would carry on ahead without any remorse whatsoever. It was always a wonderful thing to watch.

As I lay in the bedroom and reminisced about those days full of innocence and excitement between us, I couldn’t help but long for them once again. Over the years and at the way she had ended our relationship, I’d refused to indulge myself in them, adamant that she didn’t deserve even a bit of my thought but now that she was so close in distance to me, I couldn’t chase them away.

“How do I get through to you?” I asked out loud.

The reasonable choice was to insist on a conversation and to clear out the misunderstanding that I had cheated on her which was impossible, but then my ego wouldn’t let me. Because the same way she had made a judgment all on her own was the same way I wanted to ignore her misjudgment. But the only thing that solved anything was keeping us away from each other and it satisfied my pride. However, my heart was far from happy and so I had to ask myself another question aloud.

“Can you just forget about her? Or can you find a way to begin a casual relationship with her and let things play out from there?”

I was coming to accept what was not a feasible solution. At least not until I had my fill of her. Perhaps if I had been able to look away after that first night. Maybe by now, she would have been a memory of the past. But as always, she was never one I could completely get out of my mind. I recalled lying in bed just like now in the hotel room that night, unable to sleep. Despite my exhaustion, I had eventually dragged myself off to a shower and after I had left there with a hard-on that my own hand job had been unable to soothe, I had no other choice but to reach out to her or risk losing my mind.

And now here we were.

I couldn’t force her, but at the same time I didn’t want to be subservient either but then if I decided to look at this as the transaction that I proposed it be, perhaps I wouldn’t hold back in trying to get her. Perhaps it would be a game for me and I would be able to set my pride aside.

However, thiswasCallie, and despite all our history, my brain couldn’t just wrap its mind around the fact that I would be playing any games whatsoever with her. Still, I had to try, and given I had already come this far I didn't want to back down easily, at least not yet.

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