Page 5 of Snuggle Bug

Perhaps I’m stalling to hold on to the self I am before Greyson opens up to me. Perhaps I want to nurse the visions of intimacy that my imagination has furnished me with that won’t exist any longer after Greyson and I make love.

I once read a novel where the main character couldn’t kiss his love because he was too busy trying to capture one final mental picture of his beloved yet unkissed. The beloved he'd dreamt about, written poems about, and fantasized about kissing.

This is what the cuddle room means to me. It’s the place where you bring your dreams and hopes and leave with a new reality.

My eyes turn to Greyson’s. "Give me one second, Daddy. I want to stare at you for a bit before we go in."

Greyson sets me down, then gently turns my chin up so I can look at him. We peer into one another’s eyes, staying like this for gods know how long, and I begin to grow even harder, for a reason that I can’t explain.

There’s something intimate and sacred about looking into the eyes of the man you love. You trace every spark in their irises, every pop of color, and learn things about them they could never tell you with words. Soul things. The deepest things.

Greyson tucks a strand of hair over my left ear. "Tell me when you’re ready."

"Almost there."

I thread my fingers through Greyson’s. If we're truly going to have the conversation I think we’ll have, then this is the last time I’ll hold his hand as the boy that I am. I’ll leave this room as a man. This conversation will be the starting point to me losing my special gift, the one that he’s so concerned about me saving.

What we share in the cuddle room will lead to a whole new me. No room for doubt.

I tighten my grip on his hand. "Let’s go in."

Greyson

"You’re too young, sweet boy. I adore being your Daddy, but taking your special gift when your frontal lobe hasn’t developed yet isn’t right. Yes, you’re a legal adult on paper, but paper only means so much. The last thing I’d ever want to do is take the next step with you and have you wake up one day when you turn twenty-six, look back at our time together, and feel as if I hurt you. I can’t explain how much that’d wound me. I wouldn’t be able to look in the mirror let alone live with myself."

Calloway snuggles up close to me on a pile of pillows, an expression of thoughtfulness on his face. He sucks his thumb, which is something he hasn’t done since we got together.

I pray this conversation doesn’t make him too uneasy. It’s tough hearing truths that your ears would rather block out. Reject. Turn them away from the door of your brain because they’re not what you want.

I peer into his eyes… and forget how to breathe. Blue doesn’t begin to encapsulate their incomparable sapphire iridescence. His eyes draw their color from the depths of the deepest oceans, swimming with schools of eager, smiling dolphins. I picture dolphins flicking their fins, diving into his glistening irises, then laughing as they splash to the surface, before springing out and flipping onto their tummies, loving the way the warm, sun-kissed ocean surface makes them feel.

That’s what Calloway’s eyes contain. A self-supporting ecosystem of majestic aquatic life.

"I know, Daddy." Calloway tries his best to remain strong. I can tell it’s tough for him. After all, I’m letting him down, even though he’ll appreciate my patience when he’s older. "This isn’t what I want to hear, though I understand where you’re coming from. Still, you must know that I won’t regret anything I do with you. You already change me when I wet. You’ve seen my body, my parts, and I get hard around you and you’ve seen my cock well over a hundred times. I swear I won’t change my mind when I’m older."

"You’re very inexperienced. You haven’t even had your first kiss, and the fact that I’d be the first man to kiss you, the first to do so many things, is a bit difficult for me to wrap my head around. I’m not sure if I can handle that, baby boy. Accepting all these gifts from you is a big responsibility. I’d prefer to keep things the way they are. Helping you when you’re finished with a long day of online classes. Making you peanut butter-and-banana sandwiches. Cutting them into triangles. Feeding them to you. Bathing you so you’re snug and clean before I tuck you into bed. This makes me so happy. I feel warm and fuzzy when I do these things. As far as I’m concerned, that’s what makes a good Daddy."

Calloway grips my hands tight.

He blinks hard.

Despite his best efforts, a tear slips out of his left eye. It trickles down his porcelain cheek, falling onto his onesie where it forms a tiny wet dot.

I reach up to wipe the tear, except just then, a sister tear falls out of his right eye. This one takes a different path to his onesie. It trickles by his nose, tracing the outline of that pointy little thing ripped straight off the faces of the prettiest statues in the Louvre.

I try to rub his nose dry, but then even more tears spring out of his eyes. Each one forms a miniature waterfall, the tears so numerous that I can’t tell them apart.

My heart breaks. "Oh no, baby boy. Don't cry. Daddy loves you so much and he’ll always be there for you. This hurts my heart to see. You must know that Daddy will always do his best to make you happy. That’s what I’m here for, Calloway. I’m only saying these things so you know why I want to wait. Never cry around your Daddy. He cares about you and loves you too much."

"You’re not seeing me for the man I am, Daddy. That’s why I’m sad. You think I’ll be upset with you in a few years, when that couldn’t be further from the truth."

"You will be."

Calloway takes my hand, then brings it to his bum. "Someone’s going to take my virginity. I’d much rather it be a man I can trust. A man who doesn’t cut my sandwiches into triangles or cuddle me when I’ve had a tough day would be the wrong one. There are many men out there who’d take advantage of a boy like me, one who’s inexperienced and who’s still getting his GED. On dating apps before we met, the messages that some men sent me scared me. They asked me to send them pictures I didn’t feel comfortable sending. You saved me and showed me that I’m worthy of so much more. You never pressure me into anything. I've beaten off while thinking about you since the first day we started talking. I’d never regret giving my special gift to you because you care about me. It’d be impossible for you to take advantage of me. I wish you’d quit worrying about it."

Oh Lord, this is hard for me. Calloway is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and letting him down plain sucks. "I’m sorry, sweet boy. Even the way you speak sometimes tells me that you’re not quite ready. I understand that you’re a man now, but I can’t bring myself to take this next step with you."

"I talk the way I talk because I’m a Little, Daddy." Calloway bursts into tears, hiding behind his elbow. Oh, the sight crushes my heart into pieces. "Not because I’m not ready. You’re not listening to me. I’m bearing my heart to you, telling you I want you, and you’re rejecting me. I could join the military tomorrow and die if I wanted to. Talking this way is my kink. It’s how I enjoy speaking. You should just be honest and tell me I’m not the type of boy you like. You want someone else. Someone older. Someone with abs, muscles, and a beard, one I can’t grow. I can’t take these lies."