Page 81 of No Rules
“I agree,” Lowell said. “I killed one guy in the line of duty, and it was the worst day of my life. He was holding his ex-wife hostage and threatening to kill her, so I had no choice, but it took me a while to move on from that.”
“You’ll keep an eye on him, yeah?” Wander asked Ryan. “And if he needs counseling or to talk to someone, we can arrange that.”
Ryan nodded. “Won’t let him out of my sight for the next few days…and nights.”
He’d be spending the night with Ryan? That was a first. Ryan had always been of the “wham, bam, thank you” variety, parting ways as soon as he was done with Alex. Well then, there was an upside to this whole thing.
After dinner, they retreated to the living room, where they watched a movie. Alex couldn’t have told anyone what it was about had they asked him, but no one seemed to mind he wasn’t saying much. One by one, the others left, leaving Alex and Ryan by themselves.
The warm and cozy living room was bathed in soft lighting. Jesse had lit the fireplace, and the flickering flames danced against the walls, creating an intimate atmosphere. Alex sank into the plush cushions of the couch, closing his eyes and letting out a shaky breath.
“Are you okay?” Ryan asked.
“The whole affair keeps replaying through my mind. I killed someone.”
A part of him felt relief that everyone was now safe, but another part couldn’t shake the guilt gnawing at his insides. He’d taken a life, and it was a burden he didn’t know how to bear.
Ryan wrapped his arm around him and pulled him close. “I know. But you had no choice, baby boy. He would’ve killed someone if you hadn’t. You have to keep telling yourself that.”
“I just… I don’t know how to let go of this, how to get rid of the image of Jeffries’s lifeless body on the floor,” Alex said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I feel like I’ve crossed a line I can’t come back from.”
Alex stared at his trembling hands, seeking solace in the comforting warmth of Ryan’s embrace. He tried to focus on the gentle glow of the fire flickering in the hearth, the softness of the couch cushions beneath him, and Ryan’s warm breath against his skin, but his thoughts kept circling back to Jeffries.
“Hey.” Ryan brushed Alex’s cheek and turned his face toward him. “Look at me.”
After a moment’s hesitation, Alex met Ryan’s unwavering gaze. There was something so soothing about his eyes now, a sense of safety and reassurance Alex needed.
“Killing Jeffries doesn’t define you, baby boy,” Ryan told him. “You’re still the strong, compassionate, sunshiny person I know and care for. That hasn’t changed.”
Ryan cared for him? How sad that out of everything, those words meant the most to him. “Thank you.”
“I’ve taken lives too, and it never gets easier. But sometimes, it’s necessary to protect others. I’m proud of you, Alex.”
“Were you worried I’d miss?”
Ryan shook his head. “Not even a little bit. I knew you’d make the shot.”
Alex snuggled close to him, resting his head against Ryan’s chest. “Thank you for having faith in me.”
“Not something to thank me for. You earned it. Every day, you’ve shown me what you’re made of.”
“Careful there, Ryan, ‘cause you’re starting to be all nice and soft again. Wouldn’t want you to ruin your reputation.”
Ryan kissed the top of Alex’s head, a gesture so unexpected Alex froze for a moment. “You seem to bring that out in me, baby boy…and it’s okay. With you, I don’t mind.”
Alex’s heart filled with love, like a wave rolling over him, swallowing him whole. How could he keep something of this magnitude to himself? It didn’t matter if he told Ryan or not. It wouldn’t change how he felt. Even if he never spoke the words, he’d love him just the same, so why not be brave and tell Ryan the truth?
Taking a deep breath, Alex gathered his courage. He sat up straight again and turned toward Ryan. “I love you. I’m in love with you. Head over heels, all in, that kind of thing. And I don’t expect anything from you. Nothing needs to change. I just… I needed you to know.”
Ryan seemed unable to speak, his brown eyes widening. With a shaky exhale, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and looking away from Alex. “Alex…” His voice was thick with emotion. “I don’t know what to say. Do I even deserve that kind of love?”
At least he hadn’t insulted Alex by telling him he was imagining things, that he wasn’t truly in love. That would’ve crushed Alex more than anything. But man, his heart ached at the pain behind Ryan’s words. “Everyone deserves love. Especially you.”
A sad smile tugged at the corner of Ryan’s mouth as he shook his head. “You have no idea how much it means to me that you feel that way, but I’m terrified, baby boy. I’ve been hurt before, and I don’t know if I can handle that pain again.”
Ryan’s eyes held a vulnerability Alex had never seen. It was a powerful sight, this strong, grizzled man allowing his walls to come down, revealing the tender soul beneath. “I know, and I understand.”
“I don’t often let people in. I push them away because it’s easier that way. But you…you make me want to break down those walls. I haven’t felt this close to anyone in a long time. And it scares the hell out of me.”