Page 19 of Until Now

Me:if you could do anything with the assurance that you couldn’t die, what would you do?

Me:serious answers only

Kai:I’d try and kill myself

Me:WHAT?!?!?

Kai:if I can’t die, I’d throw myself off a bridge or something. I’d want to know if I had a split second of hesitation, of regret. Then I’d know that if things get to that point, I wouldn’t go through with it

Kai:People who commit suicide don’t get that privilege

For a moment, I’m too stunned to reply. I watch two badgers make their way across the road and disappear into the brush.

Kai:What about you, Cucumber? If you could do anything with the assurance you couldn’t die, what would you do?

I sigh and look up at the sky. The possibilities are endless: skydive, eat as many cookies as I possibly can, drink laundry detergent to see if it tastes as good as it smells. But I’d still be terrified of the pain—because surely I’d sustain injuries if I jumped from a bridge. Surely, if I was in that much pain, I’d want to die.

But sometimes, it’s not always physical pain that kills you. I think about all the moments in my life where I’ve thought, for a fleeting second, that I want to die. Instead of something drastic like committing suicide, I would opt for a scenario where that assurance of not dying would give me hope that tomorrow is a new day; that life does not end with failure or embarrassment or heartbreak.

That it goes on.

Me:There are so many things I’d do, but right now, in this moment, beneath these stars, I want to meet you

I hold my breath. A hush falls over the world. I’m teetering on the precipice of keeping something comfortable and having something even better.

Three dots appear, and then they disappear.

I lock my phone and hold it against my chest. Until now, I didn’t realise how much I need Kai in my life, even if he is literally just a phone. But he’s not just a phone; he’s a person, and he’s my best friend.

Ping ping!

Kai:that’s the scariest thing you’ve ever said to me

Me:I’m not that bad

Kai:you’d be disappointed. You’d rethink the past six months of your life and wonder why the hell you wasted so much time entertaining me

I blink. I’ve never heard him speak so negatively of himself.

Me:yeah, I mean, hating cucumber makes you a pretty shitty person. Why am I even talking to you??

Kai:I can’t believe I’m associating with someone who likes cucumber. I have lowered my standards and I am disgusted

Me:I may have to elope and rebuild my life because there’s no way I can recover from this abominable tolerate-ship

Kai:Ahh, yes, our tolerate-ship, where we’re not actually friends, so we tolerate each other despite our differences. And there are many, Tessa. There are many differences

Me:try me;)

What am Idoing?

Kai:you don’t have facial hair

Me:don’t I?

Kai:if I find out I’ve been talking to a man this entire time, I’m suing you

Me:okay, so I don’t have facial hair. What else? (serious answers only)