Page 69 of When Sinners Fear
“Peyton, I don’t have time for this. We–”
“Make time. I deserve your time. You wouldn’t tell me before when you had your chance, so you can go through this with me now. Starting with how many others like me?”
“What?”
“How many others have you tricked and played with–”
“What the fuck has that got to do with anything?”
“Because … Because I thought maybe there was a you and me. I thought there could be, even before. And during, there were times I know I would have taken that poison, but you still gave me hope. Somehow, you did. But clearly, that was just some messed up reaction I had because there was no you and me, not for you, was there? All this is a lie, including anything to do with me.” I frown and look around her, still spooked by the area we’re in. My hand reaches for her again to get her in the car, but she pushes me off and backs away. “No. No, it’s not right. You’re not. I’m nothing to you; you gave me enough hints, so I get it. I need to go.”
“Nothing? You think you’re nothing to me?”
“What else is there to think? You only kept me around out of guilt and told me to leave as soon as you could. I’m surprised you didn’t have a plan to sell me and make some money!”
“Peyton, stop.”
“Were you thinking about my sister, too?”
“She's a child. I wouldn’t–”
“Then what is all this? Why?” She stares at me, not one glance around the area or concern about the threats that might come get us any fucking second. “Why, Knox? Why does a man like you want anything to do with a girl like me if this isn’t just some kind of game to you? Why drag me towards you? Why am I still here? Why make me think–”
“I haven’t made you think anything. That’s on you.”
She grips her fists and points at me, frustration bringing tears to her eyes. “You held me. You looked after me. You protected me. And you kissed me. After everything was done and over,youkissed me, and we were inyourbed together. You made that happen.”
I grab at her arm and yank her to me, incensed by the questioning. She fights for all she’s worth, but in the middle of this I’m not letting go. “Stop, Peyton.” More fighting, her hand beating my chest now. She even manages to swipe my face with the palm of her hand. A fucking growl leaves me, fury bedding in. “Stop.”
She doesn’t, so I turn her and brace her on the car to make her look at me. Tears stream down her face, and I can’t help but gaze at those glassy blues I know too well. “I hate you!”
“Shut the hell up. Listen. I did it because I have never regretted a goddamned thing in my life, Peyton. I have never been fucked-up about anything I’ve done or who I’ve done it to, apart from you.” She shakes her head in my hands, refusing to listen. “Goddamn you, you will fucking hear this. Look at me.” Angry eyes pitch at mine, bloodshot and swollen. “I regret every second of what happened and what I did to you. You can hate me all you want, but I guarantee you I hate myself more. I fucking loathe me.”
She stops fighting and stutters a few breaths out.
Fuck, those eyes. They eat at me, boring in like some divine light cast down to serve justice on me. “And yet I can’t stop myself wanting you. All the fucking time you’re there in my head. Every minute. Every day. It’s all you. I wake up and think of you. I go to sleep and think of you. I damn well dream about you.” I blow out a breath of my own and try for some goddamn sense. “But this is wrong. I’m wrong, for you, you understand? And now you know why.”
I let go slowly and stand tall again, refusing to be ashamed by any of that or the reason why I’m so wrong. “You make me fucking insane,” mutters from me. I huff, pissed with everything. “I want you to live, Peyton. To love. To have the life you deserve. I’m not stealing that from you as well. What I did was enough.”
She just stares at me, sniffing back her tears. No recourse, no words of understanding or acknowledgement either. At least she knows now. She can deal with that however she wants to.
Looking up, I sigh and stare around for the first time in a while, attempting to get my head back to where it needs to be. The streets are still dark as hell, and the low-lying atmosphere of the Bronx reminds me of why we’re here and who Cortez will always be. “You feel this around you? This danger? That’s me. It won’t ever change. I don’t want it to.” I almost smile at it, comfortable in its grip of hatred and carnage, but she’s here. And I need to go kill someone.
“Do you really mean all you said? About regret?” she asks.
I look down at her. “You think I’d say anything if I didn’t mean it? I might be who I am, Peyton, but I’ll never stop feeling the way I do about you. You live inside me now, alongside all this cruelty and heartlessness. Doesn’t mean I get to keep you. I don't deserve that.” She nods and wrangles her hands together, seemingly confused about what to say. She doesn’t need to say anything. “Get in the car. Please. Let’s get this done. After that, I’ll take you wherever you want to go.”
She still doesn’t speak, but she does get in the car, so I slide in next to her and start the engine again. Avenues and blocks go by under dim streetlights and a mass of cars. I scour them all, checking for threats or problems. Abel was right after the call; I don’t know how much I can trust Logan. I’ve no reason not to, but prepared is always better than dead.
Eventually we’re close enough to the meet point that I pull over and call Dante.
“Where the hell have you been?” he grumbles.
“Not up for discussion.”
He tells me he’s already waiting in the shadows somewhere with Shaw, then lets me know Abel’s on a different corner and Mariana and Kai are opposite that. I end the call and crawl the car to a better location so I can see, then kill the engine and wait for the inevitable. It doesn’t take long before I see two cars pulling down towards the old buildings. Guys get out one by one. Four of them in the back vehicle, plus two up front with Reed. Everything stays silent and still but for the sound of their footsteps in the area. I’m solely focused on Reed, though, as he paces through wet ground and looks around.
I sneer at his arrogance and quietly check my gun.