Page 82 of When Sinners Fear
“About what?”
“This. I’m having a baby, your baby. I would like to know how you feel about it and what that means for the future.”
“It means that whatever I do from this moment on will be aimed at protecting both of you. Nothing will be more important to me.”
“Not even your job, your family? How does that work, Knox?”
“How do you want it to work? I’m calculating that you don’t want to leave your PhD until you have to, which means you need to stay here. Which is probably better for the time being, anyway. Coming to live with me isn’t on your radar nor mine until I can settle life down enough for a child. I’m also aware that you don’t trust anything about me yet other than my ability to protect you, despite feeling horrendously drawn to me for reasons you can’t understand. Me getting something here for you and giving you access to money and time is the simplest answer at the moment.”
Her mouth hovers open, like she doesn’t have answers for that. “You can’t just sweep in here and change everything, Knox.”
“That's exactly what I can do. Don’t you want me to take that worry from you?”
Her arms wave around, frustration bedding in, and she turns to walk away. It’s only a minute of her circling before she’s back in front of me. That lasts a few seconds longer and then she’s walking off to a bench on the sidewalk.
I follow and sit next to her, still waiting for an answer.
She looks across the road and sighs, tapping her thumb nail. “It’s not that simple…And I don’t understand. Why would you do that?”
I grab her hand and cover her thumb, holding her still. “Because I love you, Peyton. That’s why I’m here.”
She whips her head around to look at me, surprise lifting her frown. “What?”
“It makes little sense to me either, but I am in love with you. Every fucking minute. Every day. Every single night.” Her mouth hovers again. I wait, intent on listening to anything she might have to say about that. Nothing comes. She just stares, soft eyes blinking and lips wavering. “Do you need some hopelessly romantic poetic verse to seal it in?”
“Me? You love me?”
“I do.”
“No. You watched me go. This is you thinking about this baby.”
My fingers twine into hers, and I lean my arm over the back of the bench to face her. “I let you go. Because that's what you wanted. And I was here before I knew about the baby. I was here a while ago, too.”
“You were?”
“Yes. I came where my feet took me, Peyton. And this time, rather than stay away and just watch you, I dismissed all the reasons I was trying to leave you alone. You haven’t got one fucking clue how hard that’s been for me. Don’t tell me how I feel. I know it all too well myself.”
Looking up to the sky rather than her, I gaze at the blackening clouds. That’s the constant storm of my life crawling over us, and for whatever reason, she’s become part of that. “These hands are so stained with blood and pain, Peyton. Yours, others. They won’t change, either.” I look back at her. “If you think you’d be better off without me, that’s fine. I’ll honour that in some respects, but these hands won’t leave you alone entirely anymore. They can’t now. Every part of me will protect both of you whether you like that or not. But you’re right. You do have a choice. We’re either all in, or you’re as free as I’ll allow you to be. Make it so I know where we are.”
She looks at our hands still twined, probably thinking about that cage and the way we held onto each other. “I don’t know what to say. I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect to have this conversation so soon.”
“That isn’t useful to forward momentum.”
“I just … I’m in shock. After the way I left, I didn’t anticipate this. Any of this.”
“Hmm. Desperate romanticism from me didn’t cross your mind, no?” She smirks and runs her fingers over mine. “I suppose we could just go fuck that out of me.” Her head rears up.
“Why would we do that? I quite liked it.”
“You did?”
“I did. Romance isn’t something I’m familiar with outside of the pages of books. You don’t get to say things like that and not say them again.”
“Enough for you to believe it?” She doesn’t answer, but she does smile and nod quietly. “Use your words. I know you’ve got plenty of them.”
“Yes. I believe you, Knox, but–”
“But nothing. Don’t question it. Just believe it. I don’t need anything else from you until you’re ready. We’ll keep it as private as it needs to be for as long as we need it that way. The only thing I ask is that you accept me, all of me. I am who I am. That isn’t changing, but if you give me time, I might be able to alter a path.”