Page 17 of Surviving Lies
“Becca, I don’t want to lose you over something as silly as my parents not knowing about us. Why can’t we just go with it for a while? I’ll know the right time to tell them. Trust me.”
My eyes grew wide at his words, but it was dark in the room, so I didn’t think he could see me. I walked away from the bed, needing the distance. It gave me strength.
“Trust you? Do you hear yourself? Ty, the time for trusting you and believing you would do the right thing has passed. We were together for seven months. Seven months!” My voice rose. We would probably have an audience soon, but I was beyond caring. He sat on the edge of the bed, my words sobering him up with each syllable. “I visited your house on multiple occasions, and they had no idea I was the girl you were fucking and saying ‘I love you’ to each night.”
“Bec.” The pain in his voice was almost enough to break me. I felt like I was about to go against my better judgment, which was not known to be the best with him, and give in. He stood and tentatively stepped toward me. I wasn’t sure if he was afraid I would yell or if he was trying to stay upright, but he eventually made it across the room to me. I stood my ground, standing tall with all of my five feet and five inches. My neck craned to look at him as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I put my hands on his chest, pushing him away as best I could. “I’m not giving up on us. Not yet, Bec. Are you?”
Well, fuckity fuck. Ty didn’t know he had competition. Not yet, anyway. And I couldn’t believe I allowed someone else into my head to be his competition.
“Ty, I kissed someone else.”
I blurted it out before I even thought it through. I didn’t know if it was to be completely transparent or to make him jealous. Could it have been both? His hands fell from me as he stumbled back in the room. But the look on his face made me think he already knew and this was only confirmation.
“I knew you went out with him, but you kissed him?” he whispered, the pained disbelief palpable in his voice. The light from the street-lamps hitting his face through the window gave me a clear view. Tears welled up in his eyes as he backpedaled to the bed. “Becca, what are you talking about? For fuck’s sake, it was that asshole from the party, wasn’t it? Fuck, Becca, what are you doing? Why? Why, baby?” His words weren’t tinged with anger. It was all sadness. He knew he had done this.
It was hitting him. It was finally hitting him what was happening to us.
His legs hit the edge of the bed, but he didn’t sit. Instead, his body seemed to bend in half, as if in pain, his hands on his knees to support his weight. The sudden urge to go to him, to comfort him, was strong. To fight it, I looked away, not wanting to see the pain I’d caused him.
But I needed to remember the pain he caused me most of last year. I needed those memories to bolster my strength to forge ahead through this. I didn’t want to hurt him, but we couldn’t remain the way we were, either.
“Ty, we aren’t together. I broke up with you almost three months ago.” I stared out the window as I spoke, knowing I couldn’t look his way. “You didn’t even try to change my mind over the summer. Yet we get here to school, and like always, it’s as if everything is perfect.” But I couldn’t keep my eyes away from him. And as soon as I looked his way, he peeked up, his eyes searching for a possibility, a chance for us. He fell onto the bed, his hands falling between his knees. “Ty, why didn’t you call me for months?”
And then I saw it happen right before my eyes. It was as if a mask covered his face. A different Ty was in front of me after I asked that question. The Ty who was always present with me while we were with his parents stood in front of me.
“You’re still not going to answer that question, are you? Don’t you see, Ty? Until you can be completely honest with me, until there are no more secrets between us, no more lies, I can’t do this!” Tears were threatening to spill from my eyes, and my voice cracked as I tried not to yell, but failed. I slid down the wall I was against and buried my face in my knees. If he wouldn’t tell any truths, I was done talking.
The squeak of the bed told me Ty stood up. The muffled drag of his feet across the carpet let me know he was coming toward me. But his slow, tentative steps also told me he was unsure and nervous. I didn’t look up. I couldn’t. I knew my resolve would crack if I saw a single tear on his face.
I felt his presence above me. Then he slid against the wall, taking a seat next to me. He didn’t talk, just sat there. I chanced a peek as I turned my head slightly, my eye glancing under the arm surrounding my head. The despair lining his face as he stared ahead, at nothing, was exactly what I didn’t want to see. He must have sensed my movement, because he turned and our eyes connected.
And he broke.
The sobs that came were quiet at first; I knew he was trying to keep it all inside. But once he looked at me, all bets were off. And it shattered me. My hand had a mind of its own, making its way to his head, pulling him to me. I cradled him in my lap, trying to console him. Why? I guess because I still loved him. A love like ours didn’t disappear simply because someone had made a mistake.
“Becca” – his voice cracked through the crying – “I’m so sorry. You’re right, one hundred percent right. I’ll fix this, I promise. I’ll figure out a way to fix this, us. I will not lose you.” He turned his face up, making sure I heard what he was saying. “I can’t lose you, Bec. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” And he broke, his face contorted. Inconsolable.
I moved his head off my lap, trying to motion for him to sit up. I needed to hold him, needed to get my arms around him to calm him down. We enveloped one another, arms and legs a puzzle. His head settled on my chest and we laid our bodies on the floor, our grip only tightening. His one hand was under my head, supporting me, while the other was across my belly. Soon enough, Ty’s breathing returned to normal, and I wondered if he had fallen asleep. But when his hand on my belly made its way under my shirt, I had my answer. His fingers were rubbing circles on my stomach, my skin betraying me as the bumps rose to meet his touch. My back’s small arch seemed to happen of its own accord as well. And these did not go unnoticed by Ty as he lifted his head, eyes now on mine.
“I miss you so much, baby. I miss touching this satin skin. I miss this perfect body.” He dipped his head down, his lips now dotting my stomach with tiny kisses. His warm breath in between each made me want to squeeze my thighs together, the heat already building between my legs. “Please tell me we can work on us as I figure out a way to fix this. I won’t let you down.” His hooded eyes found mine as he peered up from my navel, his tongue dipping in and licking between his words. “It’s been too long since we’ve touched each other. We need this, Becca, so bad.”
I was not a stick-thin girl. I had curves. My thighs touched when I walked, and my stomach had a bit of a roundness to it. I didn’t hate my body. I actually loved it. I just wasn’t that typical skinny girl at college. But what Ty always did well was make me feel sexy. He said he loved the little extra I offered because it gave him something to hold on to. And I missed him doing that. Making me feel sexy. And holding on to the sexy parts.
My intention this year was for us to get back together. I knew I wasn’t going to turn him down, even though the little voice in my head was telling me I should. Hooking up wouldn’t solve anything.
But it would make mefeelgood.
His fingers moved to my panty line, about to move lower.
It was clear we shouldn’t do what he wanted to do, but I was so close to giving in.
I missed him; I missed us.
I also knew he was waiting for me to give him the green light. He would never assume it was OK for us to move on without me saying so.
If I spent too much time thinking about my decision, I knew I would change my mind. So I let him know I was on board by wiggling out of my shirt and thong.
He pushed up onto his knees and stared down at me once I was naked.