Page 53 of Waves
“No,” I said while shaking my head. I kept my arms crossed and watched my foot impatiently tap on the kitchen floor. “You need to pick right now what you need more: me or the ocean.”
“Ezra... please,” Kai said, his voice so quiet and pitiful. “You know I can’t.”
“Sounds to me like you’ve already made your choice then.”
My hands trembled while I stomped down the hall to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. Who knew what caused the tremor, being upset, angry, or both—and mostly with myself in all instances. I knew what I said was unfair, and even that I had been the asshole in the argument just now, but I couldn’t keep that part of myself tucked away all the time. Anxiety was a bitch. One who wouldn’t be ignored and often manifested as irritability. Which meant every now and then, I pulled my neurosis off a dusty shelf and thumbed through all my insecurities until I drove the ones I loved away from me.
I paced around my bedroom a few times, trying to find the nerve to walk back out and apologize. When I dared to crack my door open and crept down the hall again, the bathroom was empty. I kept walking all the way to the kitchen, where Ishmael sat in the kitchen and whined, his stuffed lobster on the floor beside him while he stared at the door to the garage. For some reason, my brain decided to recheck the bathroom, then circled back to the kitchen and dining area before crossing into the living room. Finally, I ended up standing alone in the backyard. I couldn’t accept what I already knew: I chased away the man I love.
I wandered back to my room in a haze. Ishmael slowly followed behind me this time, almost as if we were in a funeral march. He hopped onto the bed with a sigh, resting his chin on Kai’s pillow. My throat burned with the urge to scream, and my eyes stung with a desire to cry, but I didn’t do either. I climbed in bed with my dog and curled up under the blankets while the minutes ticked past. My head throbbed from stress and exhaustion, and I almost fell back asleep when my phone vibrating on the mattress disturbed me. I slid the answer button across the screen to accept Mary’s call, but I didn’t say anything while holding it to my ear.
“Why did a sniveling Viking call me to pick him up at sunrise?”
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
“What the hell happened?”
“I think we had a fight.”
“You think?”
“I don’t even know. I went psycho on him, and he left.”
“Oh, Ezra,” Mary said with a deep sigh.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
“No, it’s fine.” I could hear her annoyance break apart and drift away when she took another breath. “You wanna talk about it?”
“Not really.” I rolled over and cradled the phone more carefully to my ear. “Where... where did you wind up bringing him?”
“He asked me not to tell you.”
I sighed into the phone. Of course, he did.
“And it definitely wasn’t the marina,” she not so subtly hinted.
I grumbled to myself, knowing full well he went for his coat. Not that he could get on the boat because my keys were still right... “Fuck,” I hissed into the phone when my thoughts cut off. Locks would never stop Kai from getting below deck.
“What?” Mary quickly asked.
“Nothing,” I grumbled. “Just forget it.”
“You want me to come over?”
“No, thanks anyway.” I tapped the screen to end the call without saying goodbye and tossed the phone back onto the mattress.
Mary immediately called back, probably thinking the call dropped. I didn’t answer her calls or reply to her texts. I didn’t even get up to answer the door when she stopped by later to check on me.
* * *
KAI
Tripping the locks on Ezra’s boat was surprisingly uncomplicated. What was hard was the conversation I had with myself while sitting at the stern and staring at the murky water. I already left my clothes below and returned above deck with my coat in hand. Gazing out at the sun hovering over the lapping waves, I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. As upset as I was right now, I suspected Ezra felt even worse. Sleep deprivation and distress didn’t bring out the best in any of us. After some cool-down time, he would come to his senses and we would be just fine.
I didn’t want to be mad at Ezra, or resent him for forcing impossible choices on me. On the contrary, I wished to come back to him as soon as I could. Ezra never admitted it, but I knew he always got hurt by the thought that I seemingly forgot him for days to weeks at a time. How could my memory ever erase those eyes of his, shimmering blue-green like the ocean under the summer sun?
I slid into the water and watched the horizon while I bobbed in the waves. Before I ducked below the surface, I pictured Ezra’s gaze and tried to burn a single human thought into my brain: When the sun sets, it’s time to go home. If I could do this one thing, Ezra wouldn’t worry so much, and everything would be fine, right?