Page 10 of There I Find Hope

It was quite the supply chain her mom had to feed her addiction, and it almost made Sunday smile.

Except she couldn’t. She could never smile again. She would never be happy again. She would always be longing for heaven and to be reunited with her baby.

She couldn’t believe after seven years he was gone. It felt like a wasted seven years. What was the point in midnight feedings, early-morning diaper changes, sleepless nights while she paced the floor praying his fever would go down, his cough would subside, his little body would fight whatever infection he had. Trips to the doctor, playdates, hours on her knees in prayer that she hadn’t messed her son up for life when her husband had left her, and she had to raise him as a single mom.

Wondering if her poor choice of a husband was going to screw up her son for life. All of those things now seemed so pointless. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.

Except... Her mom was right. She wasn’t put on this earth to please herself. She wasn’t even put on this earth to raise her son. She was put on this earth to bring glory to God. To serve him. To do His will. To choose Him above everything, even above her child.

Is that why You took him, Lord? Did I love him more than I loved You?

That seemed so...wrong. But who was she to say what was right and wrong? She didn’t make the universe, she couldn’t create a world. She didn’t speak anything into existence. God did all of that. Was it not His right and prerogative to decide what was right and wrong?

She supposed it was also His prerogative to give and to take away as well.

It was just so hard to believe that He was a loving father when He allowed things like this to happen.

But she had to remind herself that He had created a perfect world to begin with. Things like this weren’t supposed to happen. It was man’s decision to sin. To believe the serpent, to eat the apple. Man was the one who caused the fall and allowed sin to enter into the perfect world. So then, bad things happened.

Except God, in His loving goodness, used those bad things to shape them and to grow them into people who were more like Jesus. Only if she allowed it.

She bit the insides of her cheeks and wrapped her arms around her waist. She didn’t want to listen to reason. She didn’t want to be reminded that God was good, and that everything would work out for her good and God’s glory. She didn’t want to think that there could be glory in her child’s death.

Even though she knew it to be true.

Maybe, God just wanted to know if she would lift up her fingers and give Him everything. She liked to think she was a Christian. She liked to think she loved God and did what He told her to do. But if God asked her for something and she wasn’t willing to give it to Him, didn’t that mean that she wasn’t really submitting to God’s will? That she wasn’t really giving up her own way and willing to live God’s way?

She hadn’t made her bed, hadn’t even got her clothes changed. It had been an effort just to get up. But now, she dropped to her knees beside the bed and put her head on the mattress that was still warm from her body.

Lord.

She didn’t know what to say. She had so much pain and grief and agony in her heart, she didn’t know how to phrase an apology. Confession. A request for forgiveness for her stubbornness and for her desire to have what she wanted and to refuse to allow God to have His way.

She thought of the verse in the Bible. The one about God wanting a pierced heart and not sacrifice. He said to obey was better than sacrifice, and that took a humble, pierced heart.

Her heart felt pierced all right. But God wanted it to be for Him. He wanted her to humble herself under His authority and acknowledge that He was God and she would do what He wanted.

Even if that meant He took her child. She had to be okay with it.

Lord, my heart still hurts. I know You see that. Probably I’m going to cry a lot more too. I can’t promise I won’t. I don’t think You expect me not to. But... But I know You have a plan. I know I haven’t had a whole lot of faith in Your plan. I’ve been...angry... Because things didn’t go the way I wanted them to. I’m still sad. I still long for my little boy. But I love You, and I know he’s with You. And I know that You want the best for me. Please help me to live that and not just think that.

She stayed on her knees for a bit more. She didn’t want her life to be just about her, where all her prayers were about her all the time, but maybe it was okay today if she didn’t pray for anyone else except herself.

Except she knew she’d feel better if she tried to get her mind off herself and onto someone else. If she looked around to see who she could help, instead of curling in on herself and thinking about her own pain and grief.

Lord, be with Mom. Help me to be kind to her and bless her for being so good to people.

She thought about the hotel that was going in just north of town. How her mom had never said, but she was concerned about how it would take business away from her bed-and-breakfast. She wanted Strawberry Sands to grow just like everyone else, had wanted her son to grow up in a town that was thriving, but she didn’t want to see her mom lose business either.

She prayed a bit more, trying to put a focus on others, and while she didn’t want to dismiss the pain in her heart—she was allowed to feel pain—she didn’t want to dwell on it either. Life was about more than just her.

Pushing to her feet, she realized she actually felt a little better. Maybe not...happy exactly, but better. She grabbed her covers, flipped them over her bed, and smiled when she noticed the cup of espresso beans. Her mom couldn’t understand why the rest of the world didn’t think these things were the most awesome things in the entire universe, the way she did. It made Sunday smile, as cute as her mom was.

She reached into the cup and pulled out an espresso bean, even though she didn’t really care for them. It would make her mom happy to know that she at least tried to eat. And knowing her mom, she’d counted the beans before she put them in the cup.

Sunday ate a couple; it would make her mom smile.

She munched on the beans as she finished smoothing out the blankets on the bed.