Page 58 of Poisoned Pawn

“Hot?” I finish for her, feeling a blush colour my cheeks.

“That’s one word for it,” she says with a smile. “I’m not looking for explicit details, Star. But I get the feeling you aren’t entirely comfortable about something.”

I instantly pull away from her, putting some distance between us and taking a seat at the breakfast bar. I risk a sideways glance at her, hurt and concern flashes across her face, but she quickly masks it as she joins me, sitting on the stool at the end having clearly read and respecting my need for space.

“Has he—”

“No!” I snap harshly, the accusation lighting a spark of anger. “Nothing I didn’t want,” I say barely above a whisper. “I don’t know how to explain any of this to you. Not when I don’t really get it myself.”

“Is this about what happened to you when…” She trails off, unable to say the words.

I can feel her eyes on me, feel her pain. I’ve always known she blamed herself for what happened to me, but I’ve never felt that way. I’ve told her so too. This is different. I don’t want to put images to all the thoughts and possible scenarios she’s imagined about what happened to me.

“I… Sex is…different for me because of what happened, and I like things that aren’t normal,” I stutter then blurt the rest of the words out. I keep my head down, fiddling with the hem of the bloody t-shirt I’m still wearing.

“Okay,” she says carefully. “And this is why you went to Illicit?” I nod. “Star…”

She’s waiting for me to look at her, so she knows I’ve heard whatever it is she’s about to say. My stomach churns and my heart thumps inside my chest, but I finally look at her.

“Sex is personal. If what you do isn’t hurting you or anyone else, then normal doesn’t come into it.” She clears her throat, shifting a little on the stool. “Some think that my relationship with Maddox and Zak isn’t normal, doesn’t make them right. Our sex life isn’t conventional either, and I…we…enjoy things that wouldn’t be considered vanilla.”

As I’m watching her, I realise that the discomfort she’s trying so hard to hide isn’t because she’s ashamed. It’s because this isn’t the usual conversation you have with your sister, or any family member for that matter. If I was anyone else questioning the way she lives or what she enjoys when it comes to sex, she’d probably put them on their back.

“But it’s different for you,” I say, finding a little confidence to voice what’s really holding me back. “What happened to me made me feel like it was my fault. I did something to make them do those things. I felt so much shame.” My hands fist, screwing up the bottom of my t-shirt. “I know it wasn’t my fault now, but I did for a long time. The first time…”— she nods, letting me know I don’t need to say it—“I felt numb. Then after, I just felt sick.Dirty.” My faces scrunches at the memory. “But the real shame, the real disgust”—I let out a little laugh—“that came after I discovered what makes me feel, what turns me on.”

Roxy rises from her seat, but I hold my hand up.

“Please, don’t. I can’t say this otherwise.” She sits back down, and I take a breath before continuing. “That first night with Carter was the first and only time I’ve never felt shame or disgust or dirty afterwards. But the things we did…”

This time when she gets up to come to me, I couldn’t stop her even if I wanted to. She crashes into me, almost knocking me off the stool, and the flood gates open, tears pouring down my face in torrents.

She holds me while I cry into her shoulder, letting out all the feelings I’ve kept locked up for so long.

“It…feels…so…wrong,” I stutter out between sobs. “But I… I can’t stop. I can’t…stay away from him.”

As my sobs lessen and my emotions slowly calm, Roxy leans back, clamping my face between her hands like she did earlier.

“Listen to me, Star. There is nothing wrong or dirty or shameful about anything that you did. Lots of people enjoy rough sex, role play, bondage, the list is endless. And there is nothing wrong with any of those things between two consenting adults.”

“You sound like my therapist,” I say with a wan smile, feeling lighter than I have in ages.

“Then you should listen to her.”

We both laugh at that, then Roxy turns serious again, lowering her hands to my shoulders as I swipe at my wet face, dashing the tears away.

“Do I like Carter? Right now, the answer is no. Because I don’t know him. I don’t know his motivations or his involvement in all of this. My priority is you. Always you. As is Aidan’s. But I promise not to kill him without good reason. I can’t speak for Mad and Zak, and definitely not Aidan.”

I level my eyes on her. “Seriously! You’re not funny. You know he’s a hitman, right?”

“I know. And we need to talk about all that. You okay?” she asks just as the front door swings open revealing Maddox, Zak and Carter, whose grim expressions call a halt to any further discussion on it.

CHAPTERTWENTY-ONE

CARTER

Istorm from the house, slamming the door. The bang is the detonator to a cold fury I’ve been carefully keeping under control, but seeing Star’s face just now is the spark that finally lights it up.

Rage crackles and fizzes down the lit fuse, pounding in my ears as I march back over to the dead body and Maddox Lawler, whose own anger is visible in the set of his jaw and flared nostrils.