Page 49 of The Royal Gauntlet
“You shouldn’t have to. I know I’m no fertility goddess, but this feels different. May I?” He gestures toward me, and I nod, grateful that he asked. In the mortal realm, people were always touching baby bumps without asking, like there was some invisible magnet between the belly and people’s hands. When I was human, I knew that I would hate that.
Kai’s hand is calloused and much larger than Essos’s. The whole of my bump fits almost entirely in his hand, and it’s so soothing and relaxing to feel that warmth and know that I’m safe—that we’re safe—that I close my eyes and let myself melt into the touch.
“I think it’s going to be a girl, and I think she’s going to have Essos wrapped around her tiny finger the moment she’s brought into the world. I think she already does, and he just doesn’t know it yet,” he prophesies.
I let myself imagine it. I imagine Essos holding our baby in a way I never let myself envision before, her tiny hand around his finger. I can see him using shadows to lift her in the air and soothe her while making dinner, keeping her close to him while she naps. My eyes slam open and I try to clear those images. I try to erase them, because I don’t want to see what may never come to pass.
My heart kicks into overdrive, and I need to run and hide and protect this future I’m dreaming of.
Kai must feel the change in me, because he’s holding my face, blocking the sky from my view. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Nothing has happened. You’re all right, Daphne. Nothing happened. You’re safe.”
Then I realize why he’s saying this to me. It’s because I’m crying, and not only crying, my whole body is shaking with sobs. I clutch his wrists, trying to get my breathing under control. Kai starts to take deep breaths until I catch the rhythm, and I blow out shaky ones. I’m still on the verge of falling back into that fear, of falling back into everything that scares me, but Kai’s focused breathing keeps me from tumbling from the precipice into an abyss I’m not sure I have the mental strength to pull myself from. These panic attacks are happening too frequently for my comfort.
Once I’m breathing normally and the tears have stopped, Kai pulls back.
I sit up fully and bury my head in my hands. “No one ask me if I’m okay.” My words are muffled by my hands. I feel the water slosh against my side as Kai gets up.
He’s quickly replaced by a slender arm draping around my shoulder and pulling me into her side. I don’t have to look up to know it’s Cat.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she whispers so only I can hear her.
“No. I don’t. I’m fine.” I wipe at my eyes, banishing the tears, before turning to Cat with a broad smile on my face.
“That is the fakest fucking smile I’ve ever seen from you, and I saw the smile you plastered on your face after catching Essos and Zara making out.”
“I am emotionally vulnerable, and you decide to bring up my husband making out with another woman? Rude.”
“I’m just pointing out that I know when you’re lying, and I thought you weren’t married. Isn’t that a big controversy?”
I lower my hands and splash her. “Now you’re just being mean. What did I do to you?”
Cat eyes me, but a smirk lifts her face. “You were crying during my training montage. I needed to bring the mood back up.” She twists so we can look at each other face-to-face. “Seriously, are you okay?”
I splash her again. “Was I not clear about not asking? I’m not okay—I’m one bad taco away from a total meltdown. I don’t know if things are ever going to be okay again. What I can control is people telling me that I’m not married, so stop telling me I’m not married!”
“Did I hear that we’re planning a royal wedding?” Finn suggests hopefully.
“That could be a good way for you to get your mind off Essos being gone,” Cat says casually.
I struggle up by first leaning forward so I’m on all fours before getting to my feet. I can only imagine this getting worse the more swollen I become.
“We’re about to resurrect Galen, make a truce with the literal she-devil, and endeavor to kill a Fate, all while trying to end the Zombie apocalypse and close the gates to the Underworld. But sure, let’s plan a wedding.”
“We should probably plan on getting the veil back in place before the mortals try to nuke us,” Finn points out. Xavier shoots him a glare.
My sarcasm must not be strong enough, because Cat actually claps in excitement before getting out of the pool. “You won’t regret this,” she assures me.
“I already do.”
* * *
The next day,I hate myself for it, but I hide from my friends. Their cheer and encouragement are nice on a small scale, but it’s getting overwhelming. I take a ton of older books from the library and go sit in the stables with Abbot and Costello. The horses graze while I read about raising the dead. It was always a risk, raising the dead while ruling the Underworld. There were schemes by the dead, once, shortly after Essos and I came to power, where they attempted to return to the mortal realm, but we were able to quash the rebellion. It led to some much-needed changes. We altered the criteria for each level of the Underworld, making it fairer.
My experiences with the mortals, as a mortal, may even encourage me to change things further. They’re faced with impossible decisions every day: free-range chicken or going vegan? Eat the healthy farm-fresh strawberries, even though the carbon footprint of getting them from California to New York is ghastly? How much activism is enough? How many good deeds are enough?
How many souls are in the wrong place because of shitty judgement or accounting? I want to fix this, but to do that, first I have to reopen the gates to the Underworld and get the souls back so they’re not aimlessly wandering Earth.
My feet are tucked under me as I read. Occasionally, Costello nudges my cheek, looking for a sugar cube. Dave races around the enclosure with the horses before returning to my side.