Page 26 of Desirable
“Oh? That’s fantastic. What about needing the money for your loans?”
“Some benefactor paid off a ton of debt. We got an official letter saying we’re both free and clear. So, I have some extra money to come visit you!”
I start crying immediately. There is nothing my sister can do but try to talk me through this torrential wave of emotions, desperate to suss out why I’m crying so much.
“I know! I was so happy too, but there is no reason for you to cry! This is a good thing!”
“I have to tell you something and you have to promise not to be mad.” There is a knock at my door, and I frown. “Hang on.”
When I get to my door, I yelp and drop my phone when I find Tamsin on the other side. Rodney is standing behind her with a cheeky grin. A fresh wave of tears pushes all my thoughts away and I embrace them both. Once inside, they tell me all about their insane plan to surprise me because they know how sad I’ve been.
“So, what did you have to tell me about that I’m going to be mad about?” she asks once we’re settled on my couch. My sister and brother-in-law are all over each other like they’re teenagers, but I can’t begrudge how adorable they look with her curled on his lap with a beer in her hand.
“I’ve been less than truthful about my relationship with Parker.”
Tamsin leans forward and listens with rapt attention as I tell her the truth about Parker and me. How he offered to pay off her loans in exchange for me dating him. “There was no sex, so it’s not like I was a prostitute or something.”
“There was no sex until you had sex with him in Paris, and then it was all bets are off. So, I’m confused. What happened? It seems like everything was good, and I’m sorry, but no man is just going to pay off our loans out of the goodness of his heart.”
I plop back in my chair. “That’s the thing. I don’t know. When he left the hotel in Paris, it was all sweet kisses and a promise to see each other in London. Then nothing, literal crickets, and then he went to the party with another woman and even his sister stopped responding to me. I went and confronted him and he basically just called me a hooker and said girls will fuck for money. I guess that the chase was over for him after I gave it up?”
“Do you want an impartial male opinion?” Rodney asks, peeking out from behind Tamsin’s shoulder.
“No,” we chorus at him.
“Okay, well, too bad. He’s thirty-two, not seventeen. He’s not tired of you because the thrill of the chase is lost. He’s a chicken-shit. Having sex with you broke down a barrier that he was fine with in the moment, but as soon as you were physically gone, he was able to get in his own head. Who knows what toxic shit he was telling himself? Because the man is objectively very hot. And he paid off our loans when he was under no obligation to, which tells me he’s not the worst dude. You said yourself he hired you to be his date because he hasn’t dated seriously in a long time, but you two were dating, fake or not, for three months. You fooled around, you texted at all hours of the night, he sent you gifts, strings or no strings to post them. He put thought into them, like the earrings your sister spent four hours reverse image searching just to find out that they cost half a mill.”
“I didn’t know you started your psych rotation,” I tease, trying to hide from all the insights he’s dropping
“That’s not a man going through the motions. That is a man who has no idea how to express his emotions outside of giving women what he thinks they want, money and sex. So, even though you’re not asking for my opinion, I think you need to talk to him. Not in his office when you’re spitting mad and throwing all the things he gave you in his face. Talk to him, and make him explain himself.”
I look from Rodney to Tamsin, uncomfortable with how raw his insights make me feel.
“You know way too much for being the person I didn’t tell this to,” I point out, finding that easier to face than my feelings.
“Sis, I am married, which means that everything I know, he knows.”
I’ve known this since they got serious during their first year at med school.
“So, am I booking us tickets to Boston?” Rodney asks, phone in hand.
I finish my glass of wine, contemplating this turn of events.
“Yes,” Tamsin answers for me. “We’re going to Boston and we’re going to set him straight.”
“I just don’t know.” My voice is small, and I look away from them, needing a moment tothink.I close my eyes and try to remember how it was when I went to Parker’s office and all the things he said to me. Rodney is right. He is thirty-two, which means that hiding from your feelings like that isn’t acceptable, but isn’t that what I’m doing right now? Hiding from how he makes me feel?
I’m hiding from the fact that I knew how much he could hurt me, how much power I was giving him over me and he did just that, he hurt me. I’m hiding like a coward. It took two to implode this relationship. If I am as committed as I say am I, then I should fight for him.
Parker has had people using him his whole life, showing him that he’s not worth fighting for.
I feel Tamsin slide onto my lap, wrapping her arms around me as tightly as she can. “If you love him, if he’s your Rodney and means something to you, you need to fight for him. Don’t let things end the way they did. At the very least, you owe it to yourself, and he owes it to you, to have one last conversation, and I don’t mean flying off the handle because you’re pissed at him. I mean the genuine thing.” My sister whispers this truth that I need to hear and I squeeze her around the middle.
“I guess we’re going to Boston.”
* * *
Once in Boston,I tell Rodney and Tamsin to explore the city while I wait in a Starbucks and stake out the hotel I know Parker and Liv are staying in. I’m getting jittery waiting and watching, chugging coffee like it’s water.