Page 57 of Five Gold Rings
We both sit in that cold room absorbing the silence.
‘I am sorry, this is not how you should be spending Christmas. Just give me a moment?’ I ask him. He nods softly. ‘Did you find your olive oils out there?’
‘I may have glanced at the set in question. You didn’t tell me it had a holder and dipping bowls.’
‘I’m fancy like that.’
He laughs under his breath, and I rest my head on his shoulder. He doesn’t flinch, not like last night. It’s soothing to know that he’s here, to feel the reassuring warmth of his body next to mine.
‘I truly am sorry about yesterday, too. The drunken kissing, crossing that line. I appreciate you so much as a friend, the fact I put all of that in jeopardy is selfish and wrong of me. I hope you can forgive me.’
He pauses. ‘There was drunken kissing? Don’t remember it. You must have kissed someone else.’
I’m flooded with relief to know I didn’t ruin anything. He kisses the top of my head to reassure me further. I don’t know how this feels but it feels nice not to have lost him, to still have an ally.
‘I can’t imagine having someone do what Lukas did for Theo,’ I mumble, looking at the ground.
‘Hire out dancers and a brass band to take on Trafalgar Square? I’m pretty sure that’s some extra behaviour for a couple,’ he replies.
‘I mean, the grand gesture of it. You know? I always thought moments like that were cheesy, extreme – people should just know you love them without shouting it out into the world. Relationships should just be full of smaller, more private moments of magic. I think I’m just struggling to remember when I ever had that with Chris… Not even a small gift, anything from him that proved to me that he knew me or wanted me to feel special. Even the ring felt like a token.’
I hate to radiate such sadness on Christmas Day but it’s like all these conclusions are landing at once. All the love I’ve witnessed over the last few days has made me realise mine didn’t compare.
‘Nothing? Not even a well-written card?’ Joe asks.
‘We didn’t even have a song. I’m trying to think how he would have proposed. Probably in our kitchen. He’d never have opted for a grand gesture, and maybe that’s because he didn’t think I was special enough for that.’
My lip wobbles as I say that, and Joe puts an around me.
‘Grand gestures can go wrong, too. With my side hustle at the entertainment company, I’ve had to show up at people’s work before and deliver messages of love. Often with gifts…’
‘Really?’
‘I once had to deliver a puppy for someone’s birthday. The recipient was allergic, the pup peed everywhere. It was a big corporate building in Canary Wharf. I got thrown out.’
I try to summon up a laugh.
‘My mum used to tell me it’s the sum of all those moments – the big, the small. I’m sorry you felt Chris never offered you any of that. Was he not a gift giver then?’
‘No. He never really put much thought into his gifts. He was a big giver of random things. Candles. He gave me a lot of candles.’
‘Because you like ambience?’
‘Because he didn’t know what to get me. That and a box of Ferrero Rocher…’
‘For all those low-lit ambassador events where you want to spoil your guests.’
I cackle a little too hard at his joke, then I get up and head to the wardrobe to fetch a box, right at the back. ‘Do you have a sandwich toaster?’ I ask him. ‘It’s brand new. Never used. It also does waffles. I think Gabriel might like it…’ I get out the box, placing it by his feet.
‘A sandwich toaster AND an air fryer? He may very well explode with joy.’
I grin broadly, coming to sit back next to him again. ‘I gave this to Chris when we first moved into this house. I remember the note I wrote with it.I can’t think of anything I want to do more with you than make toasties and grow old.He never even got it out of the box. It’s been in the back of the wardrobe. I fucking love toasties. Do you know how much I love toasties?’
‘I’m going to guess quite a bit,’ Joe says.
‘Do you know what he said? He thought toasties were a bit basic. Basic. Who says that?’
‘Pretentious wankers, that’s who. Panini snobs.’