Page 94 of Five Gold Rings

‘I had Geography,’ I say, pulling a face and sighing.

‘Hate Geography,’ he replies.

Then we’re silent. It’s not normally like this. We normally chat shit about people at school and all the beef we’ve witnessed that day. We share headphones, listen to Frank Ocean, dance down the street and throw sweets at each other. But today is different. He can’t even hold my hand. We know what’s going to happen. We get to his house and he finds his keys and puts them in the door.

‘MUM! ARE YOU IN?’ he bellows through the house as we go in, double checking to see if she’s about. There’s an eerie silence. All I can hear is the low hum of his fridge, the creak of his blue front door.

‘Are we going to have sex?’ I blurt out in the hallway.

He looks absolutely petrified. ‘I don’t know. I knew we were going to have the house to ourselves, so I thought… We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. If you’re not ready…’

I’m sixteen. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. But then what happens? You can’t just stay a virgin for a lifetime because you’re scared, because you have questions, because you don’t know when’s the right time. I stand there for what feels like forever, watching him wait to hear what I’ll decide, grateful he’s giving me the option to back out.

‘Laura said you bought a pack of ribbed condoms…’

‘I did. Just because if it did happen then I wanted to be prepared. That’s all.’

‘What’s the difference between ribbed and normal?’ I ask him, my only frame of reference being tights and vests when it comes to ribbed.

‘I dunno. They were on offer.’

‘OK. Just when we’re done, make sure you don’t flush it down the toilet because they float back up. That happened to Olly Horne and his mum went ballistic.’

‘But I can’t put it in the bin. What if my mum sees?’

‘Your mum goes through the rubbish? I guess we can put it in the outside bin?’

‘Could you take it with you and dump it in the bin by the bus stop?’

I nod. I like that we have a plan. I hope he gives me something to put the condom in though because I don’t just want to put it in my pocket – that’s gross.

‘How many condoms do you think we’ll need?’ he asks me.

‘How many penises do you have?’ I try and joke.

I laugh. I’m not sure why. I hope it’s not more than one. But he smiles in reply, and I immediately see his panic melt away. That’s the Toby I know. I take him by the hand and lead him up to his room and the top of the stairs.

When we get in his room, he kicks away Reeboks and piles of clothes dotted around the room, and I stand there and look at his A3 poster of Lewis Hamilton. Lewis is going to watch me have sex for the first time. As soon as Toby finishes tidying, he stands in front of me. He starts to take off his tie. I start with my shoes and tights. He gets caught in his jumper and I help him remove it. I’ve never taken my clothes off more slowly. Do I fold my clothes? When I take off my bra, I think I hear him gulp. Boobs. I have my boobs out. Maybe I should have left my bra on for him to take off? Once he’s down to his pants, he pulls the duvet back from his bed and we both scurry over to it as quickly as possible, taking cover.

‘Are we doing this then?’ I ask him. I realise this is not particularly sexy talk. I reach over to kiss him until I feel his penis prodding my thigh. He arches his hips into the air and takes off his underwear. I feel I should see his penis before I let it in me, so I peek under the covers. Hello. Nice to meet you. You’re a real-life willy. Toby reaches into his school bag beside the bed and tears open the pack of condoms. He rips at the foil wrapper and then fumbles under the duvet, trying to put it on himself without looking. I think he should maybe have eyes on the situation, paranoid he may be doing it wrong, but I don’t tell him that. I watch as his face goes more and more pink trying to put it on. Then he just lies there. Oh. He’s ready.

I peel my knickers down and use my heel to kick them off the end of the bed. Let’s do this then.

‘I love you, Mia,’ he tells me before adjusting his body over mine, his penis brushing against my thigh. I should say it back, but I can’t. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

‘Could you just hold my peeny for a minute? Before we…’

I stop. His what now?

‘Oh yeah…’ I say, reaching down to hold it, almost like I need to firmly shake its hand before this agreement is made. I see Toby’s expression change, a sound like he’s straining, his eyes bulging, the sound of the condom rustling as I move my hand up and down.

‘My peeny loves that…’ he mumbles.

Oh god, he said the word again. I think that’s worse than pickle. I try and pull him close to me, biting my lip. Don’t laugh, Mia. This isn’t funny. This is sex. It’s serious.

‘Can I…?’ But before he has a chance to say peeny again, I lead him towards my vagina. Is that it? No. I think that’s my leg. Hold up.

Oh.