Page 97 of Five Gold Rings
‘Sort of?’ He shrugs, not seeming sure of himself.
‘Did you reverse psychology them like I told you?’ I ask him.
‘They see right through that. I’m not a good liar. My right eye twitches and I can’t get the words out. I look like I’m having a stroke when I’m trying to be authoritative.’
I don’t disagree with him. For his faults, he’s a gentle soul and you can’t force people like that into personalities that they’re not. I take another crisp. He eyeballs me to tell me I’ve had enough of his snacks. I turn to Beth, sitting opposite us, who’s on her phone looking like she’s scrolling through Instagram.
‘Beth, what do you do with the rowdy ones? I’ve seen you, you’re like a snake charmer with the kids.’
We like Beth. Like me, she’s one of a gaggle of sisters, so we hard relate to each other in many ways. She’s been teaching in my department for a lifetime but she’s one of the cool teachers who rejects promotion beyond the department because she doesn’t want the added responsibility. Outside of work, she has kids, she goes to music festivals, she gets that nice level of drunk at the Christmas party where she’s a laugh. I also admire how sometimes her lunch is a sharing pack of Doritos and a whole tub of guacamole.
She looks up. ‘Talk to them like they’re humans, set the tone. Is it all of them, or just one or two rocking the boat?’
‘Charlie Coxhead,’ Ed tells her.
Beth pulls a face. ‘Attention-seeker, I taught his sister. They weren’t hugged enough as kids. Basically, find the ones who follow him like disciples. Praise them, overmark their work and lure them away so they like you more. Then he has no audience for his bullshit.’
We both stare at Beth in complete awe.
‘Sometimes those kids can’t be saved, though. They’re too far gone, just get them over the line. Now, can you tell me if I look a complete state? I slept face down on Lego last night as my youngest is teething, and I’m about to walk into a meeting.’
‘You look fine,’ Ed tells her, his eye twitching to let us know he thinks differently.
‘You are shit at lying, Ed,’ she says, laughing. ‘If you’re making sandwiches for everyone, I like ham,’ she says, laughing and grabbing her belongings. ‘Stay cool, kids – wish me luck.’
You can see Ed’s brain working overtime; he’ll have to buy more pesto. As Beth leaves the staffroom, she holds the door open for the P.E. lads. My nostrils flare instantly, and Ed recognises this look so offers me another of his sacred crisps. The P.E. department have their own staffroom, which admittedly is a shoe cupboard that smells like crotch, but they like to come here of a lunchtime and just linger, and when I say linger, they perch on desks, manspread and ask the foreign languages department what they did at the weekend. Tommy is the main culprit for this. I’ve never known a man to adjust his balls as many times as Tommy does when he’s talking to the very blonde, very petite and very married Sylvie who teaches French. If I sound judgemental, it’s also my bitterness shining through, as I possibly fell for all his P.E. teacher charms last parents’ evening, and we had a quickie in the shoe cupboard office that smells like crotch.
Tommy waves at me from across the room when he clocks me and even though I love this sandwich that I’m holding, it takes all my will not to throw it at him. He never called me after we slept together. He did the teenage boy thing of ghosting me by text and then avoiding me in the corridors. The worst thing is that he’s very good looking, very charming. He hangs around with the similarly handsome Steve and they charm all the older female teachers who feed them biscuits and puff their hair out when they’re in the room.
‘If looks could kill…’ says Ed, grinning.
‘My eyes would laser off his penis.’
‘Ouch. That would be a sight. Would it fall to the floor, or would it evaporate into thin air? The latter would be less messy, I guess, and it would cauterise the veins, so essentially help with any corrective surgery.’
‘Spoken like a true biology teacher.’ I cackle and it captures Tommy and Steve’s attention for one second. Yes, I’m talking about you and the ways I would remove your penises. I move closer to Ed and try to look interested in him to see if I can evoke some sort of reaction from Tommy. The only reaction it invokes is from Ed. He raises an eyebrow and shuffles away from me along the sofa.
‘That’ll work. Don’t drag me into your drama and use me like a pawn. I have feelings,’ he says, sarcastically.
‘But you love me. You made me a sandwich.’
‘Because I worry about your health, Mia Johnson. You’re mostly made out of biscuits and carbonated drinks. You are better than him in many, many ways.’
I nudge him cheekily with my elbow. ‘Ta, Eddie. I still can’t believe how relentlessly he pursues Sylvie. She literally got married last summer. Have you seen her husband? He looks like Henry Cavill. I like how Tommy thinks he’s even comparable. Do you know who Henry Cavill is?’ I ask him, knowing he doesn’t always get my pop culture references.
Ed looks offended. ‘He’sSupermanandThe Witcher. I’m a geek, Mia. I know some things. Word is that they have bets about how many they can bed within these walls,’ Ed says, nonchalantly tearing at a piece of flapjack.
‘Hold up there, sparky. You’re telling me I was part of a bet?’
Again, Ed’s eye starts to twitch. ‘Possibly. I don’t know. I’m not party to their games. He’s a knobhead. He calls me Steady Eddie,’ he says, looking hurt.
‘Because of your steady hand?’
‘Because I had to car share with him once at a conference and he mocked my driving.’
‘Because you respect the law of the road.’
‘I can’t tell if you’re taking the mick out of me now. You’ve been in my car many times; I don’t feel the need to use my driving skills as an indicator of my machismo.’