Page 43 of Fight or Flight
“We’ll be back in a second.”
“We’ll keep an eye on them. Take your time,” Amelia says and puts a hand on Henry’s head.
Jenny walks out of the motel room and descends from the stairs, not waiting for me.
When I reach her, she pins me with a serious stare.
“Claire, I know your heart is in the right place since you’ve risked so much to rescue that poor girl. But, babe, you’re not in a position to help anyone right now. Look at you,” she waves her hand up and down, and I wince as if I received a physical blow. “You need help. You need to stop taking that shit, and you need to find yourself. I’m happy that you came to my door, Claire. More than that. I’m fucking ecstatic. But right now, you’re just a shadow of the person that I know is inside there,” this time, she jabs a finger right above my breastbone.
“I’m... I-I don’t know how to do that...” I say brokenly. “Even right now, the bigger part of my brain is screaming for me to find a dealer. I want to get high so bad. You know there’s never a bad day or a bad feeling. The anger that always sneaks up on me from nowhere. The devastation. The fucking... mania. It’s just gone. And I fucking love it, Jenny.”
She grabs my hands and dips her head to catch my eyes. “I know, Claire. I’ve been where you are. It felt so good. But I fucking hated myself more and more with each day. This is all just a ruse; the feeling of euphoria is not real, you know it. You’re not getting rid of the sadness, and you’re just burying it deeper and letting it fester.”
“So, how do I stop?”
“If you’re unable to do that for yourself, start by concentrating on the people you love. The people who depend on you.”
“I’ve been alone for so long,” I cry, my legs almost giving up on me under the invisible force of that statement. The heavy feeling of loneliness squashed me under its weight.
Jenny pulls me into her embrace and rocks us both from side to side with a shushing sound.
“I love you. I’m not going to leave you alone with this. Whatever comes our way, we will deal with this together.”
“What if we’re ripped apart again? I can’t go through that again, Jenny. The last time destroyed me. I can’t do this again; I won’t survive another loss.” I’m basically babbling hysterically at this point, but Jenny just continues to swing us slowly and then begins to rub my back.
“We’re not powerless kids anymore, Claire. Things have changed for the better. Do I still have nightmares and am tortured by the past? Yes. But I also know that I’m stronger than I used to be. And if you aren’t feeling strong right now, then let me lift some of that weight for you for a while. I promise you, you’re not alone.”
“Thank you,” I mutter and tilt my head back before I leave slobber on Jenny’s shoulder. Grabbing the edge of my sweatshirt, I wipe my runny nose and laugh at her disgusted face.
“You’re so gross, dude,” she laughs, but then it transforms into one of her soft smiles. “Come on, let’s go back up to deal with the urgent stuff. When we get back home, we’ll talk about the detox you’ll have to undergo.”
“Yeah, okay,” I say lightly, but at the same time can’t stop the shudder that runs through my body at the thought.
I haven’t had a day without pumping my blood with anything for years.
And I know giving it up is going to suck so, so bad.
Oh, God, please help me get through it without killing myself.