Page 55 of Replacement
I can see it’s hard for him to say that. To let himself be vulnerable enough to express his own feelings and needs.
So I treat his words very carefully even though my instinct is to push away in self-protection. I straighten up slowly, turning my head enough to press a light kiss against his palm. “I understand what you mean. I feel that way sometimes too. We can act like the… the mess we left behind isn’t there, but it is.”
“So is it all right if we move past this limbo?”
He’s right. I know he’s right. And it’s what I want down deep too. But I know what it means. The huge, ugly truth is waiting for me to reveal, and it will tear everything we’ve started building down.
I can’t get a word out of my throat as it tightens. My hands start to shake.
He must see my panic rising. “We don’t have to do it all it once,” he says quickly. “We can still take our time. I just don’t want to be trapped in this artificial stasis. I want this to be… real.”
His voice breaks slightly on the last word, and it goes right to my heart.
“I want that too.” I reach up to cover his jaw with one of my hands. “I really do.”
“Okay. I’m not pushing. I promise I’m not. But I’d like to be done with pause.”
I nod, a lump in my throat strangling me. “Okay. We’re done with pause.”
He makes a guttural sound and pulls me into a tight hug. I return it, burying my face in his shirt.
He feels so human right now. So strong and breakable both. He’s not only a blessing. He’s also a deep responsibility.
I have to do right by him.
I must.
When I’ve pulled myself together, I force through the swell of rising panic. “I did want to… I needed to…”
The words get trapped in my throat, so I clear it. He loosens his arms and pulls back, lifting my face with an understated urgency. “You needed to what, sweetheart.”
“To… say… to tell you—” This time I don’t trail off. I break off abruptly when my eyes shift past his face.
And I see someone.
I see him. Mild demeanor. Slightly receding hairline. Wire-framed glasses. Expensive, casual clothes.
Montaigne.
I freeze as an icy wave slices through me. I move my eyes automatically back to William, but my vision has blurred and darkened. I can’t see William’s face. I can’t see anything.
“What the fuck?” William mutters, his posture stiffening abruptly. “What happened? What’s wrong? Tell me right now.”
I can feel Montaigne across the park, leaning against a retaining wall. An arrogant smirk on his face.
He knows. He knows it’s me and not Amber.
He knows he’s found me at last.
I’m shaking now—so much my teeth chatter. “Take me… Please take me home.” It takes every ounce of control I possess to get the words out.
William gets up immediately, reaching down to pull me to my feet. He glances around at our surroundings, and I can tell he’s about to make a more thorough search for whatever triggered my reaction.
He can’t look. From a distance, maybe Montaigne won’t have seen my visceral reaction to him. I only glanced at him for a few seconds. But if William stares around defensively, then Montaigne will know for sure I recognize him.
Amber isn’t supposed to know him.
With a whimper of fear, I say, “No. Don’t. Just please take me home.”