Page 6 of A Christmas Road Trip
“I don’t know. And of course I’m happy with him. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You do a lot of waiting around for him to touch base. You’re telling me that makes you happy?”
“Well, no, of course not. I’m not good at waiting. But that’s a normal part of dating.”
“After eight months?”
“Yes.” I’m frowning now, feeling tense and defensive. “Relationships move at different paces. Not everyone is joined at the hip in less than a year.”
“Right.”
“Damn it, Chase, you make me crazy when you do this.”
His eyes widen as he turns to look at me. “Do what?”
“Pretend to be all innocent and clueless when you’ve actually got something to say. Just say it.”
“You don’t seem happy,” he says in a drawl as laid-back as anything he ever says. “Not with him. He makes you insecure. You’re always waiting for him. He’s keeping you in limbo. And you’re not the kind of person who’s good with things not being settled.”
I’m so defensive now that I want to lash out, but I bite back the words. Getting angry with Chase accomplishes nothing. He won’t argue, and he never gets angry back.
After a minute, he goes on, “Now you say it.”
“I’ve got nothing to say.”
“Yes, you do. You want to bite my head off.”
“I do.”
“So go ahead.”
I make a frustrated sound. “I’m sure it looks like that to you, but that’s not how it is between me and Brian. I’m crazy about him.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I am.”
“I said uh-huh.”
“But it was your skeptical uh-huh. You don’t think I’m crazy about him.”
“I believe you believe you’re crazy about him. But if you were in a relationship with a guy who was actually crazy about you, who made you his priority for real, you’d feel the difference. You’d never be so on edge and insecure about his feelings. You’d be happy for real.”
There’s a lump in my throat as I process his words. Wonder if he’s right.
The truth is my relationship with Brian has always kept me holding my breath, adrenaline coursing, unsure of the ground beneath my feet. Sure, it’s kind of exciting that way, but it’s also not secure.
I’ve never been at peace. Not with him.
I’ve kept telling myself it’s still early. Once we truly commit, then I’ll have sure footing again. But it’s been eight months now, and it hasn’t happened yet.
“He’s coming with me on my road trip,” I say.
“That’s what you told me.”
“That’s ten days on the road visiting all these romantic holiday sites. I think that will make the difference in our relationship.”
“Uh-huh.”