Page 66 of Breaking Bristol

“In my arms.”

* * *

It wasn’t the first time I woke up with him, but something was different about this morning, and not because we only got about four hours of sleep. I guess hearing Matthew tell me he loves me and him showing it, me feeling it, put things into perspective.

He woke up as I was getting dressed and hauled me back to bed, where he convinced me to call in sick to work. Afterward, he pampered me in and out of the shower, and at lunchtime, he asked if I’d go somewhere with him.

On the way to this secret destination, he ran into a sandwich shop and grabbed some food, then drove us to a park. He held my hand and wordlessly led me through a path, then veered off between two trees to an area that led to a river. We followed it down and he had to help me over a fallen tree trunk until he finally stopped.

There were a few large slabs of rock that he motioned to, and we sat down. “It’s pretty,” I said, looking around at the bright green trees and crystal clear water. Walking trails and bike paths were behind the dense forestry, but it felt like nothing was around for what seemed like miles.

It was much like the cabin, but with the added bonus of a rippling river, making calming and beautiful music, chirping birds, and the whistling wind.

He handed me my sandwich and a bottle of water, then opened his and started eating. Watching him, I could tell his mood was off. He wasn’t angry, but he wasn’t happy, either. It was something different, something I didn’t like.

I ate as much as I could, then he took my garbage and joined it with his. He took off his shoes and socks, pulled the hem of his jeans up, put his feet in the water, then leaned back, holding himself up with his hands. “The anniversary of my brother’s death was yesterday.”

And there it was. “Oh no, Matthew. I’m so sorry.”

“I miss him every day, but that day always hits me harder.”

And my God, he lost a patient yesterday, too. “What can I do?”

“You’re doing it.” He stared out at the rushing river. “This was Mikey’s favorite place aside from the cabin. He came out here all the time but never brought me, then one day, I followed him. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting him to be doing, but sitting on this rock with his feet in the water wasn’t it.”

“It’s truly a beautiful place. I understand why he’d come here a lot.”

His smile was boyish. “It was also the only place he could smoke pot and not get caught.”

“Seriously?”

“Yup. He got mad at me for following him at first, but then he gave up and said he’d tell me everything if I put my feet in the water, too. I trusted him. I’d have done anything he asked me.” He blew out a slow breath. “Then he lit a joint and lay back and told me his darkest secrets. I’d love to share them with you, but I promised him I’d never tell a soul.”

I put my hand on his leg. “I wouldn’t want you to tell me, that’s between you guys.”

“The first time I followed him here, he was sixteen. It became our place after that. We told each other absolutely everything. Even when he was fucked up after the accident, he’d cry to me here, tell me he wanted to get better, how badly he wanted to stop the pain. But no matter what he did, it never went away. I didn’t realize until years later that he wasn’t talking about physical pain.” He sat up and gripped the back of his neck. “I found him here, he knew I would, but I was just too late to save him.”

I moved behind him and wrapped my arms around his stomach, resting my face on his back. As much as I wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault, I knew he didn’t want to hear it. He was sharing this with me, and all I needed to do was be here.

“My parents would kill me if they ever found out, but I took his ashes out of his urn and threw them right here, in the river. It was so still, so calm, and when I dumped what was left of him, I watched them sink to the bottom so he could rest at the place he loved the most.”

“I’m sure he would have liked that,” I said softly.

“Yeah, he would because he joked about it one day. Another sign I missed.” He moved his upper body and twisted his neck until his eyes locked on mine. “If something ever happens to me, Bristol, don’t tell another soul, but this is where I want to be, too.”

I choked back tears. “Nothing’s going to happen to you.”

“Promise me.”

“Okay, honey. I promise.” A muscle in his cheek jumped, and then he lay back down, his head on my thigh as the other was wrapped around his waist. Long minutes went by, and I ran my fingers through his hair, but eventually called his name. When he squinted an eye open, I asked, “So… You stole his ashes?”

“Yup. I replaced them with sand and sealed the lid with super glue. My parents will never find out.” He started laughing, and I joined in.

My stomach rumbled as the sun was setting, but I didn’t want to move. I’d never felt more at peace than I did right then. “Let’s sleep here.”

“That’s cool, as long as you don’t mind the snakes—”

“Okay, okay. We’re going.”