Page 11 of LOT 62

I’d gotten so used to coming home and finding him half-asleep on the couch or already in bed that it threw me to come home to an empty trailer. It was nothing but emptiness and bad omens.

Was this how he felt all the time? Waiting on me and getting more and more worried as the time passed? Fuck, I hadn’t fully realized how much of a piece of shit I was until this very moment. I’d never, not even once, had to wait for him because he was reliable. He put me first. He waited for me.

I grabbed a popsicle from the new box Maddox bought me and tried texting him, but all I got was a random wrong-number text about a tractor pull. I waited, but he never showed up, so I walked over to his mom’s place hoping he’d still be there for dinner.

“Hey, Naomi. Is Madd still here?”

She swayed on her feet and smiled at me. “He didn’t come tonight, hun. Said he couldn’t make it. You wanna come in and eat?”

My hope died. “No, thanks though. Did he say where he was going?” There was a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, but that was probably guilt and shame.

Naomi shook her head. “I’m sure he’ll be back soon, hun.”

I hoped so. I went back home to wait, but by ten, I really started to worry. By eleven, I bathed in guilt. I’d left him waiting like this so many nights, he was probably doing it to me just to give me a taste of my own medicine. It didn’t taste good. By midnight, I was calling him every ten minutes, begging him to just let me know he was alright.

Had he finally had enough of my shit and left me? His stuff was still here, so I didn’t think that was the case, but the fact that it went through my mind was enough of an indicator that I was messing up the only good thing I ever had in life. Maddox was a pushy asshole, but he’d never gone somewhere without telling me. What was he doing and why was he ignoring me? Why did my calls go straight to voicemail?

Who was he with? Nate and Xavi hadn’t heard from him, so I knew he wasn’t with them. What if he finally gave in to temptation and went after someone else for a quick hookup because I’d abandoned him? I knew we hadn’t been having as much sex lately, but would he really do that?

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I paced the trailer, checking the window every twenty seconds to see if his truck came in, trying to keep my shit together while I waited. What if he didn’t come home at all tonight? What if he got drunk and stayed with someone else so he didn’t have to drive? Could I survive a whole night of not knowing where he was? I couldn’t handle this shit. I couldn’t stand not knowing where he was, and the worst part was that I knew it was my fault. I pushed him to do this. I pushed him away because I was the dumb fuck he always called me.

My heart beat out of rhythm, my stomach got upset, my mind reeled with a thousand different possibilities, all of which got progressively more dire, and my muscles hurt from being tense.

Finally, at 1:30 am, Maddox’s shitty truck drove in and parked outside. My stomach got even more upset, but relief filled me. He came home. I waited for him to come in, deciding on an emotion. Relief or anger? Through the window, I watched him close the truck door and walk up the steps. He didn’t look drunk or anything, and he drove, so he must be mostly sober. What the hell did I know? He could have been at a strip club or something. As soon as he walked through the door, anger won and I tore into him.

“Where the fuck have you been, Maddox?” I shouted.

Maddox jumped, not expecting me to be lancing him with questions in the middle of the night. “Shit, Devon. I went to the tractor pull.”

“With who? Why the fuck wouldn’t you tell me that? Or answer any of my texts?” Oh, I was livid without a right to be. He went to a tractor pull two towns over and didn’t think to let me know?

“I did,” he snapped at me. “My phone died, and I don’t have a spare charger, so I sent you a text from my boss’ phone saying where I was and telling you to come when you got home. Relax.”

I checked my phone, seeing that random text from the assumed wrong number. ‘Phone dead. Going to Shelton tractor pull. Meet me there.’

“How the fuck was I supposed to know that was you?” I yelled at him. “I thought it was a wrong number!”

“Don’t get all pissed at me, Devon. I don’t know anything about phones. I’ve never had one before!” Maddox shook with anger, pissed at me for accusing him of doing something he didn’t do.

“Who’d you go with?” I asked. The insecure, jealous part of me made an appearance, and I knew it was going to fuck everything up. I tried to staunch it, to stuff it down and ignore it, but the accusatory question burned through my tongue anyway.

“A bunch of people from work,” he answered calmly.

“Tom?” I hated myself for asking.

“Yeah.”

“Jeff?”

“Yeah,” he growled. “And his girlfriend. And Heidi, a few of her friends, and the spouses of people I work with. Stop assuming I fucked around on you, asshole. You know me better than that!”

“Well, did you?” I needed to shut up. I was being a dick, but Maddox was off living some separate life from me, and the way that made me feel was soul-shattering. The guilt was even worse because it was no one’s fault but my own.

“No, and I hate you for even asking me that.”

I trusted him. I really did. But guilt was a fucking cunt, and it reminded me how at fault I was for all of this, which made me reckless and hostile. I knew he loved me. I knew it, but I was being a prick, insinuating he cheated just to make him feel worse than I felt. What the hell was wrong with me?