Page 16 of I Think He Knows

“Hmm?” I blink, my thoughts on the trip Lana Mae, Allegra and I took to the zoo yesterday. When Lana read the conservation plaque about deforestation, she pressed her face right up to the glass of the orangutan exhibit, gazed into a primate’s eyes, and tearfully swore to never eat palm oil again. At the cafe an hour later, Allegra read all of the labels on her mother’s lunch and confiscated her KitKat, much to Lana’s chagrin.

Instead, I bought her a double scoop of M&M ice cream (palm oil free, according to Google), and her smile was brighter than the sun. I love that slightly crooked eye tooth of hers, the one she can’t stand, but that makes her smile so unique.

“I said, have you seen what I can do with a cherry stem?” Freya flashes her perfectly straight and perfectly unremarkable teeth at me as she dips her long fingers into my drink and plucks out the cocktail cherry.

I try not to wince, butholy,that is freaking gross. Sexiest woman on the planet or not, there is nothing attractive about neglecting basic hygiene.

I push my glass away with the back of my hand. “Oh, no, that’s okay…” I begin, but she’s already placed the cherry stem in her mouth and is making weirdly intense eye contact that feels more like Snape putting a countercurse on Harry at a Quidditch game than a seduction technique.

Needing to look somewhere—anywhere—other than at what is currently being done to that cherry stem, I pick up my phone. Normally, I would refrain from checking my phone too much out of politeness, but honestly, at this point, screw it. The last thing I want is for Freya to think tonight’s going to end with me screwingher.

I scroll through notifications on my phone until I find the only one that matters: Lana’s texted back. Multiple times.

Lana Mae:It went… averagely, maybe?

Lana Mae:There may have been a small choking incident on a particularly hard pea.

Lana Mae:Luckily my date was able to slap me on the back hard enough that it came flying out.

Lana Mae:Which was nice of him. What maybe wasn’t as nice is that he has a room in his home dedicated to Kermit the Frog memorabilia.

Lana Mae:He even did the voice a few times. I feel like maybe he is to Kermit as you are to fictional female archers.

Lana Mae:*gif of Gordon Ramsay saying “Hey, panini head, are you even listening to me?”*

I can’t help but crack up as I read the messages, each one more ridiculous than the last. I obviously have about ten million questions I’m going to need to call her about the second I get out of here.

Carter:*gif of Gordon Ramsay holding two slices of bread to a woman’s ears as she says “I’m an idiot sandwich”*

Carter:First of all, sorry. Didn’t mean to ignore you.

Carter:But secondly and way more importantly, if you wanted to escape the date so badly, you could’ve pulled the old ‘oh no, my great aunt has mysteriously fallen ill and I need to drive her to the hospital’ trick. You didn’t have to almost kill yourself.

Lana Mae: Oh no, I didn’t want to get out of there at all. In fact, I’m seeing him again next week.

I love that Lana speaks fluent sarcasm… it’s my preferred humor language too, even if people do say it’s the lowest form of wit.

Carter:Well then, I take it back. You’re the idiot sandwich, not me.

Lana Mae: Like I said, this date was actually average on the scale of dates I’ve been on lately. So a life of green body paint and amphibian research, it is.

I frown at my phone as I read the last message. Lana has a tendency to foil her own emotions with self-deprecating humor, and it can be difficult sometimes to tell what’s a joke and what’s actually bothering her.

“Ahem!” I look up to see Freya’s mouth stop mid-cherry-stem-wiggle. “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend, Carter.”

I blink in confusion. “What?”

She spits the cherry stem into a napkin and wipes her mouth. “Geez, I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have been hitting on you if I’d known that.”

I start to shake my head at her, wanting to correct her misunderstanding, but then, I notice the waitress standing at my shoulder. The girl smiles at me. “Calamari for the table.”

I nod. “Thanks.”

She smiles again and lingers for a moment, her gaze fixed on me, before walking away slowly. She glances over her shoulder twice as she goes.

Freya gives a wry smirk. “Waitress has the hots for you.” Her expression turns sheepish and she ducks her head a little. “Like I did, I guess, before I saw who you were texting. I know this is a PR dinner, but I was pretty excited to meet you. Thought we might hit it off, seeing as you appear to have quite the roster of hotties.” She places her hands on her hips, shaking her long ponytail. “You should’ve told me you were unavailable. I’m all for girl code; I’d never muscle in on someone else’s man.”

I suddenly feel warmer towards my not-a-date than I have all evening. I give her a reassuring smile. “No, you’re fine. I…”