Page 37 of I Think He Knows

And then, my eyes land on the last line of the article:

“We have it on good authority from a close source that Lana Mae is very much in love with Carter and always has been. Their friendship was bound to eventually blossom into romance. We wish the happy couple all the best as they plan their upcoming nuptials.”

My first thought is “Oh, they got my name right that time.”

My second thought is “Aggggghhhhhhhhh!”

Which pours out of me with both the power and speed of a freight train.

“MOM! Why are you shrieking?” Legs demands, covering her ears.

A car pulls up alongside me.

A cop car, to be specific.

The cop rolls his window down. “Ma’am is everything okay here—Oh, it’syou.”

“Good afternoon, Officer McCreary,” I reply tiredly.

Because of course it is.

“I was just about to pull into an ordering bay.”

“Okay,” Lance McCreary says, skeptical as can be. “Um, you haven’t been drinking again, have you?”

“I wasn’t drinking last time!”

“But you have been today?”

UGH.

“No, I…”

And then, because the universe clearly hates me and my entire life appears to be one big cosmic joke at the moment, a white Lexus pulls into a nearby parking spot and Mona the Ultimate Buttinsky hops out. “Cooee, Lana Mae! Texting and driving again, are we?”

“I’m parked,” I reply through gritted teeth.

“In the middle of the parking lot,” Mona singsongs. She walks towards the cop car and bends to give her husband a peck. “Hi, muffin. Saw your car so I had to pull in and say hi.”

Muffin?!

Gross.

She turns back to me and smiles wide. “Lana, I’ve been wanting to chat with you. I was looking for you after church this morning. ”

I know she was. I saw her. I got Allegra into the car and whizzed off before she could come over.

“Oh, sorry. Mustn’t have seen you, was in a rush to get Legs to dance class…”

Mona puts her hands in my open car window and I resist the childish urge to roll it up. “Sure, we’ll go with that,” she says sweetly. “I was going to call, but I left my cellphone at home this morning, so I’m glad I ran into you. It’s vitally important that I speak to you regarding the daddy daughter campout. Istilldon’t have a permission slip from Allegra, and then it was brought to my attention that, this morning in Sunday School, she was telling people that Carter Callahan was going to be attending with her.” She barely covers a snort. “You know, the famous actor?”

I do know, yes.

And apparently, due to her cellphone-less state, Mona has not seen today’s entertainment news. Woman is going to be beyond pissed that she missed the scoop of the century.

“Poor child appears to be suffering under the delusion that he’s going to be her new daddy.” Mona drops her voice to a stage-whisper that Allegra can still most definitely hear.

“He is!” she pipes up from the backseat. “He slept in my mommy’s bed the other night and then made me pancakes.”