Page 48 of Crash & Burn
“And what’s that?”
“It’s usually better with two players.”
The elevator doors close at the perfect time, not giving Callan a chance to respond. I cross my arms, feeling proud of myself, while still trying to rid the ache between my thighs. When I reach the lobby, I peek at a clock on the wall and realize that I’ve already missed the bus. And of course, it’s snowing.
I really don’t want to give Callan the satisfaction of taking a ride from his driver, but I hear poor Gerald shouting my name from the parking lot. He’s waiting with the car door open for me in his perfectly tailored suit and signature flat cap. On top of everything, I’m pissed at Callan for making this sweet old man come out past midnight in shitty weather. My guilt takes over as I slide into the back seat and give Gerald a nod of appreciation.
As we drive down the empty city streets, tears silently slide down my cheeks. I don’t even think I’m sad, just humiliated, and angry. I can’t believe I really thought I had a chance with my boss.
eighteen
Callan
God,I’msuchafucking idiot. Why did I think that any of this was a good idea. I should have just taken Jax to the goddamn gala, or even Cora for that matter. This whole night could have been prevented.
But classic Callan, I have to go a do the one thing I said I would never do and that’s fuck around with one of my employees. But she’s got me in a trance that I can’t seem to break.
I saw the look in her eyes when I denied her. It was the feeling of being unwanted and that fucking stung. Still, even sleeping it off and waking up, the sun shining in all its beautiful Sunday glory, I still feel the frustration of my actions. Leading her on and turning her down, but the fucking teaser of a show I gave her before she left my presence was the real frosting on the cake.
I can’t control the fact that I want to fuck that girl from behind so fucking hard, it’ll make me hurt. I can’t help that I want to kiss her sweet lips, touch her soft breasts, claim her body and soul as mine. But I also know that I can’t actually do that because it’s not what I really want. I don’t want long term. Ican’tdo long term. I wouldn’t even know how to manage that. How to fit that in. And after everything I’ve learned about my own family, it’s not fair. It’s not fair for me to assume that any woman would betray me the way my own mother has my father. Nor should any woman feel untrusted in their relationship. But also, I’ve never been in an actual relationship, so there’s that. And let’s not forget the fact that I told her I’d practically ruin her for no real reason other than to protect her from me.
It's just not fair to Sterling. To fuck her once and throw her away like some kind of broken toy, or a wilted rose.
My Little Rose.
How I would love to wrap my hand around her throat and hear her gargled words begging me to take her or whisper into her ear how beautiful she is as she takes me into her mouth.
It’s almost too much. The confusion going back and forth in my head. It’s like I’m losing control of what’s real and what’s a fantasy and it’s driving me fucking insane. Sterling is driving me insane.
But as I sit on this couch and look around at everything I have, I realize it’s nothing more than a bunch of junk if I have no one to share any of it with.
God, that sounds fucking crazy coming from me. But it’s a thought that feels right taking up space in my head. It feels like my truth. I need someone to share this life with.
Could that someone be Sterling? I really don’t have a clue. But I know that sitting here and denying myself all while being a complete ass to her isn’t going to help. So I have to do the one thing my dad actually taught me to do…man up.
nineteen
Sterling
“What’s wrong?” Dakota asks behind sleepy eyes, walking into our living room noticing that I’m already awake, which is not normal for me on a Sunday morning. “I heard you come in super late last night, is everything okay?” Her sarcastic tone is almost annoying to me even though I know she means well.
“You were right,” I pause the show that I’m watching, “Callan is an ass and I am such a loser.” I realize how stupid that sounds, because I’m not in a relationship with anybody and I certainly didn’t get any clear signals from Callan. He was supposed to just be my boss. It wasn’t supposed to play out like this. And even though I knew it would never work, I didn’t think it would end like this…me being rejected of something that wasn’t even there.
Dakota looks up at me, confused. “Callan?” She questions and I run my fingers under my eyes to dry the tears.
“Yeah, impressive in bed. Big dick, even bigger player…my boss.” I snap, mimicking some of her words from what she’s told me about him.
“What happened?” She sits down next to me on the leather couch.
“What happened is that my life isn’t as perfect as yours is, Dakota. I’ll never have the perfect job, a beautiful engagement, a boyfriend who loves me, and a family who cares. My life sucks, that’s what happened. And I played into this idea, this fantasy, of something more with my stupid asshole of a boss.” I let out harshly in as few breaths as possible.
I don’t mean to take my anger out on my best friend. But I do. Because maybe I’m jealous that she’s got it all and I’ll have to keep combating bad luck after bad luck.
“Whoa, don’t get sharp with me, Sterls,” Dakota demands as she stands up from her position. “You came in here like all hell broke loose at one in the morning, nearly waking me up. I should be the one who’s angry, but I’m trying to be here for you right now.” Dakota looks offended, but I’m so angry that I don’t really think to check myself before I speak.
“Sorry if I woke you last night, but you can’t possibly know what I’m going through, Dakota. Because your life is so perfect. You have tons of friends, a supportive family, and a boyfriend, oh wait,a fiancé,who loves you. Must be so hard to have it all.” My words come out like lava before I can even process what I’m saying.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She crosses her arms as she looks down at me, an unreadable expression on her face.