Page 5 of Crash & Burn

She’s at a club tonight celebrating her boyfriend's birthday. I’m supposed to be with her, but when Mrs. Chen sent me a frenzied text at the last minute, asking if I could watch Sara tonight, I agreed. I need the extra money far more than I need a night out of getting hit on by sweaty, drunk dudes.

Thanks, bestie! Wish you were here.

I can hear my best friend’s sincerity when I read her message in my head. She’s always been so effervescent, and based off the selfie she sent me earlier, she definitely looks it too.

She’s wearing ripped up jean shorts, paired with a black mesh, see-through long sleeve shirt which exposes her black bra. She topped off her outfit with an oversized jean jacket and knee-high, black boots. Her fiery, red hair is pulled up into a high, tight ponytail and her green eyes gleam into the camera lens as she smiles with her bright white teeth and holds up a peace sign.

I look down at my own outfit, a borrowed t-shirt, and leggings with a pair of mismatched patterned socks. Even if I hadn’t just been thrown up on, my outfit would be a real embarrassment next to Dakota’s stylish, put-together ensemble.

Dakota and I met when I was out looking for jobs after leaving home. She had also just left home, but for other reasons, and was new to Colorado when we met. She was working behind the counter at the café when I went in for an interview and we’ve been inseparable ever since.

I’m happy to know I have someone like her in my life, she’s always been so supportive of me and cheers me on. Though sometimes, I feel a bit envious toward my best friend. She’s got a boyfriend, a career, and she can still go out and have fun on the side. It just reminds me that I really need to get my shit together.

Sara comes down after a few moments, her long black hair still sopping wet. She has on her pajamas, they’re covered in tiny JoJo Siwa heads. She looks cute, not like the little brat who decided that shoving fourteen sour candies in her mouth at once was a clever idea.

“I’m so sorry again, Sterling.” She’s upset with herself; her big brown puppy dog eyes are the telltale sign. “I should have listened to you about the candy. I’ll never eat another sour patch kid again, I swear it.” We both laugh as I bring her in for a hug. But our moment of sisterly bonding doesn’t last long before she makes her first snide remark of the night.

“Can I be honest with you?” she asks and I nod my head.

“I think you need more friends,” she deadpans; it’s almost funny how she knew exactly what I was thinking but then it’s not funny because she’s right.

“Why do you say that?” I ask her as I get up from my chair and go to pull an overpriced sparkling water out of the fridge.

“I don’t know. I just feel like you’re wasting your time here with me, when you could be out there exploring your heart’s desires.” I take her dramatic tone as a joke, but I can tell she’s trying to be serious. Honestly, her words sound somewhat inspiring, even coming from a twelve-year-old. But they also sound like a line from a movie that she’s now repeating back to me. I laugh internally, knowing that she’s trying her best to be motivational.

“Sara, if I wasn’t herewasting my time with you,” I say motioning quotation marks, “you would be home alone and there would’ve been no one here to hold your hair back while you puked your brains out.” I laugh at her, and she rolls her eyes at me.

“I could have called my boyfriend.” She sticks her nose up in the air, her brown eyes shining from the light of the crystal chandelier that hangs above.

“You’re twelve, you don’t have a boyfriend,” I remind her, hinting that she’s too young to have a boyfriend.

“You’re twenty-two, you don’t have a boyfriend,” she articulates while mimicking me, and welp, she’s not wrong. I can count on one hand the amount of guys I’ve dated…or more so just slept with. I don’t know what it is about me. Dakota says I have the looks but lack the confidence and she told me I couldn’t get offended because we’re best friends and she has an obligation to be honest to me. But I wasn’t offended more than I was confused…lack the confidence?

I’m not sure if I blame that on my inability to flirt very well, or rather it’s the lack of wanting to flirt because guys these days just miss the mark, or if I blame my parents’ relationship for not truly showing me what love and happiness should look like.

Theirs was a relationship of toxins and passive aggressive arguments.

When my dad left, my mom turned to alcohol to fill the void, and in turn, she stopped being a mom. I was about Sara’s age when he left, maybe a year or two older. But she went downhill almost immediately and after three years of seeing my mom turn into someone I didn’t even recognize, I needed to escape. She stopped paying bills; my brother had to drop out of college and work two jobs just to keep our lights on. She stopped caring. The whole dynamic of family changed for us. And not only did my dad leave me, technically, so did my mom.

I don’t blame my mom, not at first. But as time went on and she started to become detached, it became unbearable to handle for me.

Once my mom became a belligerent drunk, her words aimed to hurt and her actions of motherly love were nonexistent. I tried so hard to have a relationship with her, but the second I turned eighteen, I threatened to leave, and her response was what ultimately ran me out the door.

No one wants you here anyway.

My brother, Graham, hated me for leaving. Or so that’s what he made it feel like…hate. But Mom made it clear, I wasn’t wanted. He thought I gave up on her too soon and for that, he cut ties with me too and that hurt just as bad because I like to think we were somewhat close.

So maybe my lack of confidence comes from feeling like I was never good enough. And even four years later, the past affects me and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to figure this thing called life out. Though, I’m not sure I can blame anyone but myself at this point.

I look over at Sara and I’m reminded that I actually do have someone. I’ve grown to love this little brat. Sara is the closest thing to family I’ve got right now, and she looks at me like I’m her big sister. I love that for us. I pull her in for one last hug as I kiss her on the forehead, letting her know that I will get my life together once I’m done watching over hers and she just giggles. I tell her goodnight before sending her off to bed.

I make my way over to the Chen’s living room and sit on the couch, velvety blue with a gold-woven blanket draped over the arm. I take a look around, and notice nothing has changed about this room, about this entire house, since my first day here almost a year ago. I don’t know how they do it. If it were me, change would be needed weekly. I get bored often and living in the same house for your whole life, looking at the same never-changing walls would drive me insane. Maybe it’s because we moved around so much when I was a kid, but I really prefer a change of scenery from time to time.

I stare at my phone. It’s fifteen minutes till ten, so the Chen’s will be home any minute now. I should probably get up and start gathering my things, but this couch, the velvet.So comfy.

I turn on the TV and start scrolling for a show to watch. I land on a reality dating show. The idea of these shows are ridiculous to me. People go on a show to find love in strangers all while trying to win a cash prize? It’s like a bribe to find love.

Though I guess some people really do find their soulmates on these silly shows. I guess you can find love in the craziest of places. And it gets me thinking…what if my true soulmate is out there somewhere and what if I never meet them because they live a thousand miles away?What if my soulmate is on this TV show right now?