Page 107 of Rise & Fall
Birthday.
I didn’t forget, I just didn’t want to remember.
Because my birthday means that it’s also a remembrance of the day that I was proposed to by someone who ended up proving his disloyalty to me. A day that I used to love and enjoy celebrating is now tainted by the memory of having my first—and should have been my only—proposal stripped from me because my supposed lover couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.
Sterling walks into the bathroom to hand me my clothes, but I feel the nausea crawl up my stomach and into my throat within seconds and before I know it, I’m hurdled over the toilet as I vomit my brains out.
“Oh my God, girl.” Sterling immediately runs over to me and pushes back any loose strands of hair that might fall into my face. She rubs my back as I puke, metaphorically letting go of all the negative and weird feelings and thoughts I’d been experiencing over the past few days.
But even after I think I’m done; the dry heaving takes over and I can’t seem to catch my breath.
“Are you okay?” Sterling asks as I lean up from the toilet bowl.
“Yeah, never better,” I quip, and she blows out a frustrated breath.
“I’ll get you some water, I’ll have Callan cancel breakfast.” She gets up and leaves the bathroom, coming back faster than I even have time to get up off the floor myself.
“Drink.” She puts the cup to my mouth, and I take gulp after gulp.
“What’s going on?” I can see the concern on her face. And it would be easier to give her an answer if I knew myself what was wrong.
But it’s a feeling of unknown which I’m pretty sure is causing me copious amounts of stress. I hate feeling like I don’t have control over my thoughts and emotions.
The nausea still festers in small circles in my stomach, but for the most part, the sickness lets up.
“I think I’m just overly anxious.” I say before taking another gulp of the water.
“Anxious about what?” She leans against the counter, crossing her arms at her chest and watching me find my way through slow breathing methods, which is something I learned as a nurse, of course.
“I don’t know…life? I mean, this whole past year has been a major change for me. And I think being back here on my birthday, my engagement anniversary, picking out dresses for your wedding was just a little much for me. I don’t really know who I am or where I belong right now.” My eyes get heavy with the threat of tears, hearing myself admit that I don’t feel like myself is a big realization I didn’t know I needed. But saying the words out loud feels kind of relieving.
And if I were in therapy, I know I’d be forced to believe the idea that maybe I have some unresolved heartache or responsibility issues or something that I should answer for, or at least try and find closure for.
But why has it taken this long for all of it to manifest? You’d think I’d feel these things long ago, not out of nowhere like I am now.
Sterling sighs an understanding breath of air. “Damn, Dakota. I should have considered all of that. I just thought it would be a good weekend for us to hang out. Try on dresses and then celebrate your birthday. I’m sorry.” I look up at my best friend whose words are heartfelt, and expression is profound.
We both have suffered through so much together and I’m starting to feel annoyed with myself for allowing this to be about me when it should be about us.
“No, don’t be. I’m fine; it just hit me all at once. But I expelled that shit, and we should be good.” I shake it off with a sad excuse of a laugh as I help myself up off the ground.
“We literally don’t have to. We can just get coffee on the way to the airport,” she offers and honestly, as much as I was looking forward to hanging out with her this morning, I like that idea better.
“Can we actually just do that?” I ask, grabbing my toothbrush again.
She smiles. “Of course.”
Sterling helps pack the rest of my things while I compose myself, before heading down to the lobby to check out, hoping that whatever is happening to me stays behind in this negativity riddled mind-space of mine.
Callan stands in the line at the coffee shop, his suit is dark, crisp and freshly ironed and his tie is straight and silky. I look over at Sterling who is wearing a wrinkled, bright, summer dress. How did these two end up together? She’s like the sunshine to his grumpy. Heaven to his Hell.
I also know that she came from nothing, and he already had millions to his name before he was even an adult.
Is that proof that anyone can find their happily ever after or does it just mean that they were in the right place at the right time?
Ugh, what are these ridiculous thoughts of what-ifs and questionable intentions?
Callan waits for our drinks while Sterling and I sit down at a nearby table. I try to keep myself busy by checking my phone. That’s when I see a missed call from Nolan, and he left me a text message about twenty minutes ago.