Page 66 of Tutored in Love
They finished their sand castle just in time for duck, duck, goose to revert to tag, and soon their masterpiece was demolished by a stampede. Noah noticed Rosa welling up at the destruction, so he hauled her over his shoulder and joined the herd. Better to chase those tears away before they got started.
Besides, it allowed him to escape Vanessa and her knowing looks. She was clearly reading more into his acquaintance with Grace than was warranted. He would keep his distance, as planned, and take better control of his wandering eyes.
Chapter 34
Peace
The rest of the timeat the beach flew by, the children’s energy never waning. By the time everyone got back to the compound and changed into dry clothes, Noah was famished and dinner was waiting—quesadillas served with deliciously fresh guacamole and salsa.
“I’m impressed with how good the food is,” Devin said, taking a seat by him.
Jane overheard from her spot down the table and joined the conversation. “They used to eat mostly rice and beans, but with the support of the foundation, they’ve been able to make some deals with local vendors to get more variety into their diets.”
“And I’m sure they’re best-foot-forward when they have visitors,” Alec said.
Whatever the history, Noah’s stomach was grateful, having worked up a hearty appetite playing in the water and sun. Everyone looked a little pink in the cheeks, except for Marcus and Grace, who looked more pink on their shoulders, thanks to the many hours they regularly spent outside for work.
Alec teased them mercilessly about getting paid to ski with a bunch of teenagers. The two took it in stride, though Grace’s smile faltered when she caught Noah watching her. Noah’s comments about her major in therapeutic recreation resurfaced in his head, making Alec’s teasing sound tame by comparison. Grace obviously remembered the exchange too.
Following dinner, the staff coaxed the children to their rooms, leaving all the volunteers alone together for the first time that day. Jane asked them all to circle up, then stood at the front of the cafeteria and waited for their chatter to die down.
“Nice job today, everyone. I think the kids are really feeling the love. I’m sure everyone is tired, so we’ll have a quick devotional, and after that you can hit the sack or whatever. I’ve asked Marcus and Grace to take the lead tonight.” Jane smiled and yielded the floor, taking a seat next to Chad.
Marcus stood and smoothed his long hair away from his face. “My youth wasn’t a happy one. Messed-up family, parents weren’t around much. I got myself into some trouble. What would I have done differently if I’d had a good support system?” He fidgeted with something in his pocket. “Kids can be bullheaded, and I’m sure I still would have tested things, but I’ll always wonder. At the same time, I don’t know how much I’d take back, because it’s made me who I am and brought me to a pretty good place. I’ve been working with young men in crisis for about eight years now...”
Noah’s mind drifted as he wondered how old the guy was. He looked younger than Noah’s twenty-six, but if Marcus had been working with kids for that long, he must be nearer thirty.
“One thing that really helps these boys,” Marcus was saying, “is finding peace in hard circumstances. Eckhart Tolle has a lot of writings about this, but the underlying idea is that if we can accept where we are right now, we can not only have peace in the moment but also better work toward where we want to be.
“So many of these boys feel powerless, like there’s nothing they can do to change anything. Or sometimes they fixate on changing what’s in the past. Once we accept where we are and the things wecan’tchange, that’s when we find peace. Only then can we start changing things about ourselves that will actually make a difference. I’ve asked Grace to share a little about her journey.”
Grace stood and ambled to the middle of the room, wringing her hands.
“As a kid I thought my family was perfect. I’m the oldest of five, and I prided myself on setting a good example, being obedient to our parents, and working hard at whatever I was involved in.”
Noah fought an impulse to scoff, resting his elbows on his knees and scrutinizing the floor. But why should he scoff? Grace might have had an easy upbringing, but she had shown she was willing to put in the work in the math lab.
“My younger brother Benson was very different from me,” Grace continued. “He struggled academically—and not just with math. He was a thrill seeker, he tested boundaries.
“Junior year he fell in with a rough crowd. His grades dropped, he lost interest in school, and he started drinking and staying out all night. One night—”
Noah’s head came up and his heart pounded as he watched Grace fight for composure in the silent room.“He fell in with a rough crowd,”she had said. Grace was speaking of this brother in the past tense. Noah recalled the line from her email, explaining her reaction to the girl who had influenced her brother for the worse. Ryan had told Noah about Grace’s sibling dying. Was that who Grace spoke of now?
She swallowed a couple of times, then sought out Marcus, who gave her aYou got thislook. Acknowledging his support, she continued, haltingly. “One night he didn’t come home. He was seventeen, driving home drunk, and ran his car into a wall. He died instantly. I was away at college. I blamed myself. I should have stayed closer to home, been a better sister, not put so much pressure on him.” She cleared her throat. “His death shook me. I changed my major from English to therapeutic recreation, hoping to help other boys who were struggling to overcome their problems. When that didn’t feel like enough, I spent a year in Peru doing humanitarian work. Maybe if I worked hard enough, I’d be able to prevent anything similar from happening to my other brothers or anyone else I cared for.
“I learned so much, but I never dealt with the grief of losing Benson. I came home and went back to school. I took extra psychology classes, thinking that knowledge would enable me to help anyone I met. But I never talked about Benson. I thought I was fine.”
Her gaze flicked up to Noah’s for an instant before she continued. A drop of sweat ran down his back, his dinner churning in his stomach.
“About the time I graduated, it became clear to me that I had never taken the time to work through my own stuff, had never made peace with what happened, and I began to see how that reduced my awareness of others.
“Then I started working with the young men at our school”—she and Marcus exchanged a look—“and, boy, did they call me out. I was hiding my pain, trying to erase it by ‘fixing’ them, and they could see that. They helped me realize I needed to find my own peace before I’d be able to help anyone else.”
She exhaled and wiped under her eyes, then smiled. “So I’m talking about Benson, sharing my story, and it’s helping. I’ve learned I can’t ‘fix’ other people; I can only love them. I’m learning to accept that Benson’s death wasn’t my fault. Maybe I could have done more to be involved in his life, but what’s done is done, and ultimately it washisactions that led to his death.
“Our decisions determine our lives. Many of these boys were raised in circumstances of abuse or neglect, but once they can come to peace with where they are and assume accountability for their own actions, they can heal from the traumas in their lives and move on. That’s what I’m doing with Benson. By talking about him, his life—the good and the bad—I’m letting go of my guilt and fear. All I can do is me. I can be kind. I can forgive. I can be loving. I can make the effort to see others and hear their stories, and that will bring me peace.”
Noah wished he could go back to the beach and bury his head in the sand. How could a devotional on peace throw him into such a tailspin? He barely managed to get out of the dining hall with his dignity intact, didn’t say a word to anyone as he slunk out the door. Taking the coward’s path, he went straight to bed and feigned sleep when the others filtered in some time later.